Topic: I don't know what to do

My John died 2 days ago. I can't think, I can barely talk to anyone and I am in such pain I can't believe it.

I can barely get up the energy to write this. How do you live when your husband dies? I know he's in a better place and I know he's not in pain anymore, but I'm not.

Oh my God, I had no idea it would be this bad. The sadness and pain are overwhelming, It's actually hard to breath at times.

Some one help me please

Charlene

Re: I don't know what to do

A friend of mine who lost his partner suggests reading Conversations With God by Neil Donald Walsch and The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. I know that is little consolation, but I hope it is a start. Now it is time to take care of yourself. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Re: I don't know what to do

Charlene,

I so know how you are feeling and am sorry that you need to be feeling this way. I lost my husband Jim 3 months ago and am still not really believing it. The pain & sadness does at times seem totally unbearable. A good friend of my sister's told me that the more love you shared the more it hurts & the longer it takes to grieve. That does make sense, but it is just so hard. I too keep telling myself that he is no longer in pain & is in a better place, but we sure aren't! I also keep telling myself he will be in my heart forever, but when all around you everything is the same and life is going on normally, except that you are now alone and life will never be the same, it feels so isolating and lonely. I have just been trying to get through the days one day at a time & sometimes I need to do it 1 second at a time! Atleast we have this site & all of the wonderful people on it to get us through the bad times. I am sorry I don't have any answers for you, I just think that this is what we have to go through, but as a few have said, it really SUCKS!!!!! One thing I do know is that you need to talk about John to who ever is willing to listen. I do feel better when I can talk it out, but unfortunately a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. They seem to feel like it will upset you more to talk about him.  I have a few relatives & friends that are willing to listen & share my feelings & grief. We also talk about the past and remember all of the good things and good times we had. Unfortunately I don't think there is any easy way to deal with the death of a spouse. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. Try to take care of yourself & come here whenever you need to. There are many of us here going through what you are & we need to help each other as much as we can. You are in my thoughts & prayers.

Love,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: I don't know what to do

Oh my dear charlene

Once again I sit here sharing my tears with you.
I share your pain and the love you have for John.
No matter who we are, we are never prepared for what happens.
We truly do not understand until it has happened nor should we know.

You may just lie there and let your tears flow, shout or howl whatever you need to do. Let your tears bathe your face. Talk to whoever you can about John, constantly. I promise you, you will get through this.

As you all know I lost my son Alan within 8 weeks.
My fit healthy, happy and contented son. It still hurts so bad, some days I cannot do anything. I just let it be,,
We are all here anytime for you as part of this special family,  love and light teresa Alans mom

U.K.Member

Re: I don't know what to do

Thank you all for being here for me.  Teresa, as hard it was to lose John it must make my pain as nothing to losing a child. I'm so sorry.
I am so incredibly overwhelmed with the pain and I don't know how to manage it.
I lay in bed and think about what I should be doing and just can't get up to do it. I try and read or watch tv and find myself reliving Johns final breath over and over again. I don't want this to be happening. I want the pain to stop but I know it will take time but I also know that every minute is an eternity right now.
I'm so lonely, even when everyone comes over, I am alone with my grief for no one really can understand what is happening to you unless they have been there. I just cry and try to stop hurting.
Charlene

6 (edited by Darla Tue, 25 Nov 2008 22:51:58)

Re: I don't know what to do

Dear Charlene,

You are so right. No one can possibly understand what we are going through unless they have been through it themselves.  Everyone wants to know what they can do or say to help make things better or easier, but there is nothing anyone can do. The only thing you want is your loved one back & that is the one thing that can not be changed. We are all alone with our grief and have to learn how to work through it in our own time & way. I am crying with you and share your pain & loneliness. Hang in there. We will all get through this somehow, together, one day at a time.

Love & Hugs,

Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: I don't know what to do

Dear Charlene,
I am so sorry to hear  that John lost his fight, I lost Ray 6 weeks ago, and I still cant believe it. The only thing I can say is that it is best just to take one day at a time. You ask how to live without a husband, there are many of us here in the same boat, and the answer is we dont really know, we just do our best to keep the ship afloat. In the days after Ray died I found writing here really helped me, no matter what time of day or night, you can just log on and pour out your feelings knowing you will get a sympathetic reply.
I imagine you are in the midst of arragements and legalities now, and this will keep you going for a while, but when you pause for breath we will all be here for you.
Try to be brave, it will help.
All my love,
Sue

Re: I don't know what to do

Dear Charlene,
                     I am so sorry for your loss of John and I can feel your pain and grief. I lost my Anthony four months ago and still sit here wondering how this terrible thing has happened to us and still not able to really believe that he's not here any more and isn't going to come back.
                    A few things have helped me to survive so far. One is coming on this site and sharing feelings with Darla, Sue, Joyce, Teresa and others who have lost love ones. Another is talking to those loved ones who understand how I feel. Another is crying and crying and talking to Anthony and asking him for help. Another is remembering the love we shared and understanding that it's because of the strength of this love that we feel so desperate now. Not everyone has a love like that in their life time. Another is looking at old photos and crying at the memories. Another is walking on my own in places we used to go to and asking Anthony for advice and crying some more.
                I am crying now for you and for all of us who are going through this nightmare. Hold John close in your heart and don't ever let him go.
                 keep coming here and tell us how you are.
                       We are thinking of you,
                               With love
                                     Pauline

Re: I don't know what to do

Dear Charlene,
I am so so sorry for your loss and your grief. I know nothing can console you right now, but go ahead and vent all your feelings here - where there are people who have gone through this, and understand. I so wish I could ease your pain. You're in our thoughts and prayers
Joyce M