Topic: Today is a week

Today, one week ago at 1:15 I lost my beloved John. It seems like an eternity since that day with nothing in it but a horrible emptiness in my entire body. It's as though I don't exist now.

I miss him so much. I sit and stare at the walls with nothing in my mind but pain and sadness. I can't handle loud noises at all. Every one keeps telling me to be strong and hang in there...Why? I was strong for over 3 years trying to keep him alive. I'm tired of being strong

It seems as though I'm in this limbo space.  My step son came to be with me but it isn't helping at all. All I do is cry and hurt.

My daughter flew me to Arizona to be with my kids and grand children but it's exactly the same. I am empty. There is a hole where my feelings used to be and I'm just lost and confused.
On the plane flight I was thinking it would be so alright if the plane went down but i remembered there were children on the plane and just had a huge rush of guilt, knowing how selfish I was being.

Everyday is endless, a sea of wanting my husband back.  I am weak with
anxiety and depression. I am totally amazed at the amount of suffering you can take before you just give up and lose your mind. I so want to lose my mind and go to that place where no one can hurt you any more

Charlene

Re: Today is a week

Dear fairydrop......I urge you to reach out for professional help as many of us have when things became too overwhelming to handle.  Please, contact Dr. Giles on this site  and also call the local Mental Health help-line.  I don't know where you are in Arizona however, every community has a special phone number specifically for these purposes.  Remember, you are not alone in this.   Please, make this call.  I will be checking back with you per personal e-mail.
Hugs
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: Today is a week

Dear Charlene,
   I am so sorry that you have lost your John, and wish so much that I could help make the pain go away for you. I lost mu husband Butch on October 9, right around the same time that Sue, Pauline, and Darla lost their husbands. We have been communicating with each other almost every day since. It has helped to share this terrible experience with others who really know what we are going through. We each find there are times that are far worse than others, and I do believe that it gets better with time. It is so difficult to know what to say to help you now - just know that we are all here for you, and will listen no matter what you say - sometimes we write in and just blurb along - getting it off our chests, so to speak.  We have found that we have similar thoughts, feelings and experiences, and it has been very helpful. God's grace to you Charlene.

Love - Joyce

Re: Today is a week

Charlene,  I am so very sorry that you have lost you beloved husband John.   He is no longer suffering and is at peace. He was so blessed to have you by his side.   I have tears blurring my vision just trying to find the words to ease your pain and emptiness.  I cannot even imagine how you are feeling but I want you to know that I am here for you if you need me.  You have been so kind to me when I needed a friend.  Remember there is no shame in reaching out for help.  I wish peace and healing for you.           ((((Big Hugs)))  God Bless, Deb

Re: Today is a week

Charlene,

I am so sorry that you are in such pain. My husband Jim passed away on Sept. 2.  I had & still do have a lot of the same feelings that you do. Some days it is worse than others.  Jim passed away after only 7 weeks, so I was strong for him & trying to deal everything and now there is nothing.  As Joyce said, sharing your pain & expressing it does help. We all come here often to share our thoughts & feelings with each other.  It really does help to know that there are others who are going through the same thing as you & that they truely understand & are here to help & support you when you need it. Please know that we are all here for you to help ease your pain. You are in my thoughts & prayers.

Love,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Today is a week

Dear Charlene,
                        As you can see there are a lot of us out here thinking of you and wishing we could help you in some way. It is so hard when you lose someone you loved so much and with whom you shared your life. Those first few weeks are so incredibly difficult because you are in  state of terrible shock at what has happened. As John's carer you have been through so much too and are probably exhausted as well as emotionally drained.
                       If you feel you could share with us some of your experiences and memories, you know we are here to listen and respond.
                       As a friend said to me in those early days, it is so hard to lose someone you loved so much but remember that some people never experience love like that in their life time. You know what that love was like and you will never forget.
                       Please keep in touch with us and let us know how you are.
                               Love
                                  Pauline

Re: Today is a week

Charlene,
I dont know what to say, I am not sure there is anything I can say. I will continue to pray for you and think nothing but the best thoughts for you. Please speak to a professional if you can. They are there for just this type of thing and they will not be judgemental.

And please stop being hard on yourself. You dont have to be strong. Goodness sake you were strong for 3 years and were the backbone of support for John. You are human and you need to greave and mourn and heal in your own way. You dont have to support others now, others need to support you so let them, make them. Please think of yourself now. At times like this, there is no point in "trying to be strong". There is no such thing. Please stop judging yourself. We all think you are wonderful and you handled things with grace, dignity, and love. Some people might not understand that things didnt "end" with your husbands death. That you need to heal and greave now and mourn the life you wanted and had with John. So tell them what you need. The people around you love you and will listen if they know that is what you need. And though it feels like you are alone, you are not. You are loved and needed by both your family and by us here.

Hugs.
Kris

Cancer is a word, not a sentence.

36 year old patient with buckets of hope

Re: Today is a week

Dear Charlene,
Just to let you know we are all here for you.
People often try to involve us too soon, and dont understand that we need time to come to terms with our loss, but accept it for what it it, friends and family trying to do their best for you even if it is too soon it is well intentioned and where would we be without family and friends.
It must be so hard for you loosing your soulmate just before Christmas, I know nothing anyone says will make it easier for you, but you will not be alone this Christmas, everyone here in a similar situation will be together.
Love Sue x

Re: Today is a week

It is so hard not having him here. I'll think of something and say" I need to call John and tell him" and then realise he's gone.
I miss him so much. i miss his touch, the way we used to finish each others sentences, the way we would be thinking the same thing at the same time and laugh and say" Great minds think alike"

I'm so exhausted all the time missing him. I get so mad that he left me alone even though it wasn't his fault. As soon as he passed away things started going wrong with our house.
John always did the repairs, I have no clue how to fix things. He should still be here happy and healthy with me.

We need to grow old together. I'm in such pain all the time. I talk to John before I go to sleep and then cry. I can't really explain correctly. I just am so full of pain and so empty at the same time. Where my heart was is an empty hole now.

I appreciate each one of you who are trying to help me. I get more compassion from everyone here than from my family. They think I should be getting over his death by now. It's like the world has gone crazy and I'm the only sane one left.

Thank you all,
Charlene

Re: Today is a week

Dear Charlene,

I know how you are feel about those around you not really understanding the full extent of your grief. Everyone has to deal with grief in their own way and in their own time. There are no rules or time frames. Unless they have been through it they have no idea of how painful it is. Everyone here does know what you are going through as many of us are going through it too. I can relate to almost everything that you have said. Jim & I were also that close and I miss all of those things that we shared. I also experience the fatigue and emptyness inside. Our lives have been left with a great void that we just aren't ready or able to fill.  We spent so much time taking care of our loved ones & now they are gone & we are left alone to grieve and try to pick up the pieces of our lives. I too get angry at Jim & ask him why he left me here alone to deal with all of this, but I know that given a choice he would not have chosen to leave me here alone. It was out of his hands & mine.  I also know that he would not want me to feel like I do, but it sure is hard not to. Many of us have experienced problems with things in & around our homes, including problems with vehicles, etc. Both Joyce & I are also dealing with a lot of snow & cold weather which we never had to do before as our husbands took care of it all. I know that the holidays are going to be hard for all of us. All we can do is try to get through it all as best we can.  Atleast we know that we can come here for support or even just to vent our feelings when we need to. Take care of yourself Charlene and keep in touch. We are all here for you.

Lots Of Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

11 (edited by pauline Sun, 21 Dec 2008 05:20:06)

Re: Today is a week

Dear Charlene,
                 I am glad you have made contact again. I understand exactly how you feel. Missing some one you loved so much and not understanding why they're not here with us is unbearable. I am still desperate and cry a lot of the time for my Anthony. Other people can be very strange. How on earth do they think we can get over this so quickly? It makes me very angry and I feel that we live in two different worlds
                I try to hold on to our love because I can't let it go and never will. I too feel empty inside even though I can function well on the outside. I am so sad that we have been robbed of our retirement years and all those wonderful plans we had.
              You are not alone, Charlene. We undestand how you feel and are just a little further down the road in our grief. There are a few people I can talk to who understand how I feel and it does help me to talk to them. The rest I have learn't don't really want to know how awful this is. I tried counselling and was a real cynic but it has been helpful and is perhaps something you could think about. My counsellor had tears in her eyes when I finished telling her the story of Anthony's last few weeks - it took me 3 sessions. At the end she said it was a beautiful love story and that helped me. Instead of seeing only pain and trauma I looked at it in a different light.
            I find some of my better moments are the beautifully sad ones that can be triggered by memories from photos etc. On Christmas Eve I am going to have a glass of wine on my own at home and talk to Anthony. I know it will be terribly sad but I hope it will help me to feel close to him as well.
            Please keep in touch and tell us how you are, Charlene.
                Love
                  Pauline

Re: Today is a week

Charlene,
   Pauline and Darla said it well. We know exactly how you feel - we are just further along down the road. On the outside, it seems I am getting better, on the inside, I am still sick with grief, and have that "empty" feeling.  I decorated a little 3 foot tree (the one I used to put up outside) with Butch's ornaments - the golf ball that says "Grandpa", the 18 th hole green that says "Butch" my Father made him in ceramics, the football Santa,  the ho-ho hole-in-one ball with the Santa cap, etc. I have a mailtruck and a mailman sitting under it  (He was a mail carrier before he retired). When I look at the tree, I am celebrating our years together. It is sad and sweet at the same time. I try not to think too far ahead - it makes me crazy to think of the retirement we didn't have together, the travelling we won't do, etc. Instead, I try to concentrate on the good things - Butch did get to retire 6 years ago, Thank God, so he DID have a retirement, we did travel - took a wonderful western trip, and etc. Most important - our beloved husbands are in a place where there is no more pain and suffering.   We weep for ourselves, don't we - stuck down here alone! So, anyway - we are all here for you - everyone on this board, and we are all praying for you, that you may be comforted.

Love - Joyce

Re: Today is a week

All I can say is "Thank you all from the bottom of my heart". I am starting grief counseling tomorrow. The wonderful hospice who cared for John provides free counseling and anything else you might need for 3 months.

My regret is I left to go to Arizona a few days after John passed, I thought being with my family would help..it didn't. My wonderful sister in-law called me and said she understood why I went BUT I couldn't run from my grief.
She is so smart, that's exactly what I was trying to do.

I'm home now and waiting for John's ashes to come home from the Science  hospital where he donated his body. As soon as they come I will have him back and I will feel better I think.

Thank you again and I pray for your healing as well as mine.
My love to you all,
Charlene

Re: Today is a week

Charlene,

What a selfless thing for John to do, perhaps his last act of good will help researchers better understand this horrible cancer. I hope having his ashes makes you feel better.

I agree that being in familiar surroundings helps, this year was my cousin's year to host Christmas Eve but they asked us what we wanted to do so we decided on my sister's more familiar house.

Patty