Topic: No one wants to talk about John

I am just so sad and depressed. No one will talk with me about my John. It's like,"Out of sight Out of mind."
Everytime I bring him up they all change the subject. I don't understand it!

I miss him!!! I still love him!!! I want to talk about him!!!

To me he is here, I feel him around me, I want to be able to cry if I want and have someone hold me and help me feel better, tell me I'm going to be ok, ANYTHING! I'ts like he disappeared or never existed.

Why won't they talk about John? I sit in my room most of the day because I can't sit and chit chat about trivial things. My entire life has changed, the dreams I had with John are gone.
The world is totally different now. I watch tv and they all talk about being skinny or this designer or how to get rid of wrinkles! I can't stand it anymore. The world is more than that, it's love and kindness and caring, how can they not see that?

OMG I just want my love back! I want to see him and feel him and tell him how much I love him.  I don't want to be alone anymore.
Charlene

Re: No one wants to talk about John

Dear Charlene,

I know exactly how you are feeling. You can be in a room full of people & still you are alone. I am not sure why people won't talk about our husbands. I think they feel it is too painful for us & it is better to not bring it up. Also, talking about him may make them uncomfortable. I know it is not right or fair, but that is just how some people handle these situations. I am fortunate that I do have a few people that will talk about Jim & are willing to listen to me and try to understand. I am hoping that you will find a few special people in your life that you can tell how you are feeling & they will be there for you to talk about John with you & to just listen when you need to talk. It is so strange how differently people react to these situations.  Like you said everything else now seems so meaningless, when all you want is that one person who was the most important thing in your life. Who was a part of you and that is the only thing that we can no longer have. I think that the loneliness & isolation we feel is normal for what we are dealing with. We are all feeling that to one degree or another. 

I was told that it is OK to cry & to be angry. It is all part of the grieving process & it actually is helpful and healthy to do so.

I too find myself wanting to just stay home alone. I sometimes find myself just sitting & staring into space thinking about everything that has happened & wondering why. I found that I need to force myself to get out even if just to go for a walk, to the store, library or wherever as the longer I am alone the hard it gets. I also try to keep busy, which isn't easy, but it does help a little. Jim is still always on my mind. I think about him all the time, but keeping myself busy does seem to help a little.  The hardest thing for me lately is that no matter what I do or where I go, I always have to go home alone. The long, dark, cold nights are the worst for me & I haven't quite figured out how to deal with that yet.

All I can tell you is to just take one day at a time. I am not going to say it gets better or easier as I don't know that yet myself,  I am hoping that with time it will.  Just remember that we are all here for you & that many of us are dealing with the same things that you are. We are all here to help & support each other, so keep coming back as often as you need to.  We may all be alone, but at least we have each other and this great site where we can come to talk & share our feelings. Only those of us who have had to live through this truely know how it feels.

Know that I am thinking of you and of all the rest of us who have recently lost our beloved husbands and know that I care. I am hoping that we all can find some comfort, peace & hope in the coming year.

Take care Charlene & please stay in touch with all of us here.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: No one wants to talk about John

Charlene,
  Some people feel uncomfortable talking about our loved ones, as Darla said. Also, they might think it is for our own good - that we need to move on a bit, that they can somehow help us to get to a better place in our minds. Like darla, I do have people who will discuss Butch, for short periods of time, and I mention him every once in a while, just so we know that he is still on our minds. I also stopped at the cemetary yesterday to say hello to him. He is almost always on my mind, and I don't think the winter darkness and doldrums helps any of us one bit. I notice I feel a bit better when the sun shines - not good, just better. I kiss his picture morning and night, when I get up and go to bed, and I talk things over with him. I know that our husbands would want us to continue on in this life, and to take pleasure from it again some day, and I am working toward that goal. I read somewhere that moving on is a tribute to our loved ones, it reflects our love for them.  I try very hard to think of my progresssion in those terms. I do know that Butch told me before he left me to live life - that live is a gift from God, and to treasure each day. I can't quite do that yet, but - I am going to keep trying. I pray that you will be able to find some solace also, from knowing that John is in a better place, where there is no more pain or suffering. We will be here for you, and you can say whatever you need to say,Charlene.  May God bless you and comfort you.

Love - Joyce C

Re: No one wants to talk about John

Dear Charlene... Most people don't talk because they don't know what to say or they will say the wrong thing.I would be willing to talk about John with you all day, except I don't know him, other than the courageous battle he fought.  We have that much in common.  Charlene start a journal and find a special place and just write to John every day.  It has done many so much good.  Grieving over someone who you loved so much is tough.  Charlene, I haven't even left for heaven yet, and my wife already attends a support group meeting for cargivers of cancer patients.  It has done her a world of good already.  She has learned life will go on with or without you.  She has actually met and been invited to join another wive's group through the support group.  Charlene, your pain and grief is normal and the best way to combat it in my opinion, is take that first step. A lot of churches provide the support meeting s with open arms (no you don't have to be a member).  They have so many resources available and program to help you. There is a telephone  number for each state that can provide you with infor of different support meetings that are free and open to all and run by a professional who has been there.  Charlene, I feel so bad for you but at the same time I have to say again take the first step, just like you have on this site.  Now extend it in to your local community. You will be surprized at how many open hands there are , more than willing to help.  I say keep communicating with John by writing something to him daily.  He'll communicate back in his on little way . I really do believe that.
God Bless You!
Jeff

Take it to the Limit,One More Time! (Eagles)

Re: No one wants to talk about John

Thank you all for listening. I am joining a support group tomorrow at a church, thanks Jeff.

Jeff, you are the strongest man I know. I wish you and John could have talked.  To do what you do daily is amazing. There is a special place for people like you in heaven.

Joyce and Darla, I so want to thank you and also tell you how very sorry I am for the loss of your husbands. It's so very strange to say the word "widow". I was thinking about it the other day, I am 53 and a widow.
I'm so confused in my head as to what to do on a daily basis. I'm trying to get a job, I know I have to work but I just don't want to. I'm afraid of having to deal with people again in my state of mind. I only have two more weeks of disability, I'm so afraid!

Well I could go on all day so I won't. God bless you all and thank you again.
Charlene

Re: No one wants to talk about John

Charlene,

I agree with Jeff that keeping a journal does help. I couldn't bring myself to start right away, but after 2 months I did start a journal & have been writing in it every day since. I talk to Jim & tell him how I am feeling, both good & bad, angry or sad. There is nothing that you can't express in the journal & it does help.  It seem to comfort me to do this & I do feel at times that he is communicating with me in his own little ways as he is able. It is not always in the way I want or expect or in obvious ways, but in smaller less obvious ways that are comforting me.  I also truely believe. Some day I will go back & read these journals & hopefully I will see that even though I do not feel I am progressing forward on this journey through grief, that I am, one tiny step at a time. As Jeff said, all you need to do is be strong enough to take that first step.

Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: No one wants to talk about John

Charlene,

You must have been posting at the same time I was, so I just want to add that I am glad you are going to try a support group & hope it brings you some peace & comfort. I am a "widow" at 60 & hate that word & can't wrap my mind around it. I don't know how to live as a widow, only as a wife.

I have been confused & unable to make decisions since this all started, so know that you are normal there too.

I think getting a job will help. I too have a hard time acting "normal" around people when inside all you are thinking about is your husband & what you have lost, but it does help some to have people to talk to & something to do. We have an antique store below where we live, so I re-opened it about 2 weeks after Jim passed on, as I was afraid if I didn't jump in & do it the longer I waited the more I just wouldn't be able to do it and I would just give up. It was hard at first & still is. It is very lonely as this was something we enjoyed doing together, but it also gives me something to do. We are all afraid, just like you, but you have to start somewhere.

I too could go on & on, but will stop for now.  I will be thinking of you & hoping for the best for you. Take care & let us know how things are going.

God Bless You & All Of Us,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: No one wants to talk about John

Dear Charlene,
                      People are simply unbelievable, aren't they? I have been so shocked, angry and disappointed by some people's behaviour. How do they think we get over the loss of our husbands in a few weeks? They clearly have no sensitivity. Why don't they understand that we want and need to talk to them and, if they are a relative or friend,  then why don't they also want to talk about him?
                 I have realised in the end that you just have to speak about your husband to the few people who are prepared to listen and they're not necessarily the ones you would have expected to be so supportive. I think we live in a very flawed society where some people live very superficial lives. I reckon some people fear their own mortality, others simply don't know what to say, some bury their feelings so deeply that they can't express them, while others really think we should just get over it! All in all they're not much use to us!
               I hope you are finding the widows' group helpful. I am 53 like you and never thought I would be left alone at this age. I will be thinking of you at new year and hope that you have a few close friends/ family members who are prepared to listen to you talk as much as you want to about your husband.
            Take care
               Pauline