I am so sorry for all the pain & suffering that you are experiencing. I really don't have any answers, but I do know how much you are hurting and I will try to tell you how I feel & what I am doing.
My husband Jim passed away on Sept. 2nd after having been sick for only 7 weeks. I was in total shock and disbelieve for many weeks after and have gradually been trying to go back to doing normal every day things.
I have to admit that I still do not sleep through the night. I don't have nightmares, but I don't really dream much about Jim although I want to and when I wake up I can't really recall my dreams. I don't know how long John was sick or what you all went though, but I do know that this is not easy, no matter what the situation. I do think of him all the time, but I seem to be able to function on the surface even though I am hurting inside.
I really don't think we can ever go back to a normal life. That life is over for us now. All we can do is try to go on as best we can.
Jim & I ran a business together, so I continue to do so. Some days it is familiar & comforting and others it is almost impossible to carry on without him and I would just like to walk away from it all. Doing it alone is just not fun any more. We really enjoyed doing everything together and now I take no really happiness from anything I do. It is also very hard for me to concentrate most of the time, so I know why it is hard for you to go to work.
I too am very lonely & tired all the time. Most days I would rather just stay in bed & do nothing, just thinking about Jim, staring at pictures of him & thinking about all we had & now have lost. I do know that Jim would not want that as I am sure John would not want this for you either. That helps me to push myself to go on.
I feel like I would much rather just be alone and not be around others at all, but I try to do things & talk to people when I can. There are only a few people that I can talk with honestly & feel comfortable with. Most everyone else does not understand what I am going through. I think being able to talk about Jim & express how I am feeling does help me.
I am not sure about the meds as I did not take any other than tylenol now and then & an occassional glass of wine before bed. Is it possible that the meds you are taking are not right for you?
I have not felt a need to seek counseling or a grief therapy group so far, but that might also be a consideration if you have no one else you feel comfortable talking to and sharing your feelings with. As I said, I do have a few good people that I can talk things through with along with several women on this site who are going through the same things that we are. That all seems to help me a lot. Especially the ones here, as they are all going through exactly what we are. Their husbands have all passed away within the past 6 months from this horrible disease & they are all dealing with the same issues that we are.
Charlene, I don't know if any of this will be of any help to you, but just know that you are not alone. Many of us share your feelings of grief. We are all going through this together. I will be thinking of you and hoping that you can some how find the answers you need to start to turn all of this around. If you want, please feel free to email me by clicking on email on the left side of the page.
Love & Hugs,
"One Day At A Time"