Topic: Not sleeping

John died on Nov. 23 and I'm still unable to sleep the night through. When I sleep I have nightmares all night. They all involve me needing John and calling for him and he's not there. I have meds to take but they don't help.

I miss him so much. I've tried to go back to work but I've quit two jobs already.
I'm so lonely and tired I just don't want to do anything.

How do you go back to a normal life when the man you lived for is gone? I have no energy or desire to even get out of bed. I don't want to be around anyone right now, even family, but my savings are going and I really don't know how to get  myself started again.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance,
Charlene

2 (edited by Darla Sat, 07 Feb 2009 06:50:12)

Re: Not sleeping

Dear Charlene,

I am so sorry for all the pain & suffering that you are experiencing. I really don't have any answers, but I do know how much you are hurting and I will try to tell you how I feel & what I am doing.

My husband Jim passed away on Sept. 2nd after having been sick for only 7 weeks. I was in total shock and disbelieve for many weeks after and have gradually been trying to go back to doing normal every day things.

I have to admit that I still do not sleep through the night. I don't have nightmares, but I don't really dream much about Jim although I want to and when I wake up I can't really recall my dreams.  I don't know how long John was sick or what you all went though, but I do know that this is not easy, no matter what the situation. I do think of him all the time, but I seem to be able to function on the surface even though I am hurting inside.

I really don't think we can ever go back to a normal life. That life is over for us now. All we can do is try to go on as best we can.

Jim & I ran a business together, so I continue to do so. Some days it is familiar & comforting and others it is almost impossible to carry on without him and I would just like to walk away from it all. Doing it alone is just not fun any more. We really enjoyed doing everything together and now I take no really happiness from anything I do.  It is also very hard for me to concentrate most of the time, so I know why it is hard for you to go to work.

I too am very lonely & tired all the time. Most days I would rather just stay in bed & do nothing, just thinking about Jim, staring at pictures of him & thinking about all we had & now have lost. I do know that Jim would not want that as I am sure John would not want this for you either. That helps me to push myself to go on.

I feel like I would much rather just be alone and not be around others at all, but I try to do things & talk to people when I can. There are only a few people that I can talk with honestly & feel comfortable with. Most everyone else does not understand what I am going through. I think being able to talk about Jim & express how I am feeling does help me.

I am not sure about the meds as I did not take any other than tylenol now and then & an occassional glass of wine before bed. Is it possible that the meds you are taking are not right for you?

I have not felt a need to seek counseling or a grief therapy group so far, but that might also be a consideration if you have no one else you feel comfortable talking to and sharing your feelings with.   As I said, I do have a few good people that I can talk things through with along with several women on this site who are going through the same things that we are. That all seems to help me a lot. Especially the ones here, as they are all going through exactly what we are. Their husbands have all passed away within the past 6 months from this horrible disease & they are all dealing with the same issues that we are.

Charlene, I don't know if any of this will be of any help to you, but just know that you are not alone. Many of us share your feelings of grief. We are all going through this together. I will be thinking of you and hoping that you can some how find the answers you need to start to turn all of this around. If you want, please feel free to email me by clicking on email on the left side of the page.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Not sleeping

Charlene,

   It is only a little over 2 months for you - it is to be expected that you are still mourning. It has been almost 4 months for me, and it has gotten a bit better - only a bit, but that is something. I do work - I have to - need the money - but - my concentration is out of whack, and I have the attention span of a gnat.  I take medication - an anti-anxiety/ anti-depression pill - I probably couldn't have managed without it.  Fortunately, I have  been at my employer for 31 years, so they are putting up with me.  I joined a bereavement support gruop through the Hospice, and I believe that it is helping me. It is over in 3 weeks, and I may go to a professional bereavement counselor. People who have been through this tell me it helps. You should look into this, too, Charlene. Perhaps a professional can help you through your grieving. I know only too well how terrible you feel, grief does that to us. I believe that we have to keep moving - one foot in front of the other, BUT, that is easier said than done.  Our lives have changed, there is no doubt, and we don't much like the new "normal", but everyone assures me that it will get easier as time goes by. I will be thinking of you, and wish so much I could help you. We are all here to listen whenever you want to talk.

Joyce C.

Re: Not sleeping

Dear Charlene,
                      It is very early days for you still and, of course, you are struggling to cope. It's so terribly hard and such a shock to find yourself alone. Darla and Joyce have already said a lot of what I would say and I hope it might help you to keep in touch with us. Have you read the posts that we have been writing over the past months? We would love you to join in so that we can support each other.
                    I am sorry about your sleeping problems. Why not try going back to the doctor about this? If you are tired all the time and having such bad nights this will make you feel so much worse. Have you thought about counselling or therapy? I found it did help me to talk through my most serious issues with someone.
                    I think that trying to function is an important step in this awful process even though you feel very bad inside and it seems that you are really struggling with this. I would suggest that, as a first step, you seek help from your doctor. Tell him or her exactly how you are and hopefully s/he will offer some practical help.
                   If you can be helped to start functioning a bit- even if it's only that you start to make lists of a few things to do each day and tick them off as you do it - you can progress from there. I know how hard it is to motivate your self when life doesn't seem to have any purpose but, believe me, it helps to start to do a few things. I read that the difference between clinical depression and grief is the ability to function and you may need anti depressamts to help you.
               Have you written to Dr Giles on this site? If you tell him how you are, I'm sure he will give you his opinion. He is an expert whose advice could prove very helpful to you.
               Finally, Charlene, please know that we are always here for you and are thinking of you. We undestand what you are going through and know how hard it is. Please stay in touch!
               Love
                  Pauline

Re: Not sleeping

Thank you all so much for your caring and compassion. I have got a new job in my vet clinic. Now I just deal with the animals which I love, it's very calming.
You know it is so very hard to be focused and attentive to people when you can think of nothing else but missing your husband. At least at the clinic I don't have to chat intelligently with the animals.

I have joined a grief group, I go tonight at 6pm. 

My daughter came to live with me with her 3 children, 13, 3 and 1. She was Johns step daughter and she wasn't affected at all when he died, so she has no compassion when it comes to me grieving.

Her husband is gone until August and I thought it would be a good thing to have them live with me until he returns, but it is a nightmare. The 13 year old girl is going thru the horrid teen time and it just makes things around here very tense.

Well at least I'll be out of the house for 40 hours every week and won't have to deal with the drama.

Thank you ladies again and I will keep in touch,
Charlene

Re: Not sleeping

Dear Charlene,

I am glad you seem to have found a job that is comforting to you. It does sound like you need to get out of the house, especially now. In theory it sounded as if it would be good to have your daughter & the children there with you, but it doesn't sound like it is really working for you.  I am sorry that she does not seem to be able to understand and support you in your grieving.  Also, dealing with all the "drama" my be a bit too much for you right now. 6 months is a long time. I know it may seem better than being alone, but if it gets to be more than you can handle, you may want to rethink the whole situation. You do need to take care of yourself right now. That is the most important thing.

I am hoping that the support group you have joined is helpful to you.  Let us know how that is going.

Take care Charlene. I will be thinking of you & hoping things are going OK. Remember, we are all here for you when you need us. Even if it is just to vent your feelings.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.