Topic: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

I called Hospice today for my father.  I thought I could handle it, I thought I would be relieved because it has been 20 months of heartbreak: 11 visits to the emergency room, countness catscans, pettests, ultrasounds, stent repl acements.....much more bad news, then good news, waiting on pins and need les for test results, being so nervous and scared I vomited.  When the Oncologist told my sister inlaw and I the other day that the last round of chemo did not work and my fathers tumor markers were up and the lung mets had increased in size and number and new nodules found in his abdomen, I thought I would be prepared for the news.  I had rehearsed it in my head many times because we knew from the beginning with his type of metastasis the chemo would probably not work.  I wasn't prepared for the stab in my heart, the blow to my sole, I wanted to be anywhere but in that doctors office at that moment.  They were very nice from Hospice and incredibly sypathetic, but I still wish I never had to know how amazing they can be.
I am sitting on my dads bed with him now with my laptop, he is sleeping.  The pain is just too much for him now.  We tried yesterday to cut out some of his vicadin and just stick to the fentanal patch so he would be more lucid, and that worked and we were able to carry on conversations with him.  That was really, really nice, but he was in a lot of pain, and so the unselfish side of me that loves my dad more than anything in the world doesnt want him in pain, so I know we have to keep him medicated.  It is just so hard to let go, even when he is here we are having to let go a little everyday.  I miss his strong voice with his perfect Engish spoken with an Italian accent, his stories of the old days, his infectous laugh, he and my  mom sharing red wine everynight, his amazing risotto funghi dish, I will miss beyond believe looking out my kitchen window and seeing him working in the garden he planted for me.....  Watching this man, who just two years ago was breaking cement with his own two hands, not a machine(his employees call him fuerte jefe-strong boss) wither away, and slowly leave us, is sometimes too much to handle.  He really fought this cancer with everything he had, but the fight is over.  I know I need to get to that spiritual place, and I know I will eventually because I have a child and a family and life is a good thing, but It is going to take a long, long time.  My 10 year old son asked me the otherday when we were in the car(I was driving, and trying to hide my tears) "mommy, are you always going to be sad?" It broke my heart, and b/c of him, I know I have to try.  Npw I am watching my dad sleep and kissing his forhead and telling him how much I love him and I always will.  thanks for letting me talk, It gives me great comfort to know you all understand, and trust me, I wish None of you had to be on this site.  Excuse my errors, difficult to type through tears.
Barbara

The  Lord is my shephard

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Barbara,

Thanks for sharing your feelings. It has brought tears to me eyes also. I know what you are going through and I feel your sadness & pain. Come back here whenever you need to. You and your family are in my thoughts & prayers.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Barbara,

We are exactly in the same place.  I posted recently under general discussion and you can read my post.  I'm sitting here waiting for the social worker and nurse to come and introduce themselves. 

Mom is having a confused day and is sure Dad and I are "keeping secrets" from her.  It breaks my heart to deal with her fears when the confusion doesn't let me get through to her.  I would just like to scream and get in the car, pick a direction, drive til the gas is gone and then pick the next direction! 

I know in my heart this is the right decision for Mom, Dad, My sister and myself but it really is the hardest thing to do.

I'll write more as soon as possible.  My favorite hymn that is running through my head is the old song..."I'll fly away..............

Be strong and consider yourself hugged.

Pam

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Pam,

It sounds like you too are in a very tough place right now. Hang in there. I will be thinking of you and will keep you & your family in my thoughts & prayers too.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Hi Kid, I already emailed you this morning...you know how I feel and down the road when you need to get away you come see me and Robin! Love you!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Barbara....Love is coming your away.
Hugs and more hugs,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Barbara,

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. I know you love your Dad so much and this must be so hard for you and your family right now. I wish there was something that I could do or say that would take away the pain right now.

If you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to yell at then you know that I am here for you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Massive hugs for you B.

Gavin

Any advice or comments I give are based on personal experiences and knowledge and are my opinions only, they are not to be substituted for professional medical advice. Please seek professional advice from a qualified doctor or medical professional.

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Barbara and Pam,
   I am so sorry that you both have to be in this place you are in right now - I know the sadness is almost unbearable at times. I know in my husband's case, he wanted to stay at home, and not go back to the hospital, so I had the satisfaction, at least, of knowing I was following his wishes. It is very difficult as they slip more and more into the next world, but, we do have the comfort of knowing they aren't in any more pain. Thoughts and prayers for both of you.

Joyce C.

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Barbara,

I am so sorry to hear this news. I watched my mom weaken by the day and felt so helpless. Nothing can prepare you for the road ahead, it is the most difficult thing you will ever do. I will pray for your strength.

Patty

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Barbara I know that feeling in the doctors office.It is like the original bad news magnified and makes you feel very sick   
                         kind regards    Janet

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Barbara,
that was one of the most beautiful posts I have read. I am sure your dad knows how much he means to you. You are a blessing in his life.

Kris

Cancer is a word, not a sentence.

36 year old patient with buckets of hope

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Barbara...  I can relate so much.  The tears of love are unique and one of a kind.  Many have flowed in this home as well.  I'm sure there will be more as the journey continues.  The portrait you have painted of your Dad is so dignified and vivid. It does him great honor.  Bless your loving heart!
Jeff G.

Take it to the Limit,One More Time! (Eagles)

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words.  I cant tell you how much this site has  helped me.  I dont post often, but I read all posts, and I feel like I know you all personally.  I cry when I read a bad report, I rejoice when I read a good one, sometimes I laugh with the incredible people on this site that in the face of this disease find humor, sometimes I am deeply saddend by what I have read.  I wish we all didn't have to meet this way, but I grateful to have found you all.  I have my prayer group tonight and as usual you will all be included.
Peace and Love
Barbara

Lainy, I am not sure when, but I will find my way to Az eventually, and hopefully I will be bringing my mom.

The  Lord is my shephard

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Thinking of you daily and when ever you and your mom are ready Phoenix is waiting.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Barbara - as I read your post, it is as if you are telling my story.  There is a special bond between a father and his daughter.  I am not saying that other bonds are less important, please everyone, don't interpret that way - there is just something special about being a Daddy's girl.  I think that was the hardest for my Daddy.  He, like your Dad Barbara, was always a strong man, (at his funeral the preacher said Daddy was his John Wayne) he was always taking care of me - never failing.  Then when this horrible disease took that from him and diminished his frame of 230 pounds to 175 pounds and unable to feed himself, it was hard for my Daddy to have his little girl take care of him.  He would always tell me he didn't know what he would do without me - all the while I am thinking, what am I going to do without you!  When I called Hospice for Daddy, I felt like I was giving up on him.  But the burden had become to much for me to bear alone.....they were such a huge, positive support.  I also felt like you Barbara, and didn't want Daddy to stay medicated so that he could talk to us while at Hospice in those last hours.....but bless his heart, the pain was unbearable, so they kept him medicated until he passed.  Daddy passed away peacefully January 14 of this year with my brother, my husband and myself by his side.  When Daddy took his last breath, there was a smile on his face and I know at that moment he saw Jesus and his mother, who he had missed so much since she had passed away......that is the comfort I have Barbara, no more pain for Daddy, no more dreaded chemo treatments, no more dreaded news from the oncologist........just peace. 
I hope my words have not made you sadder than you are - I just want you to know I am sending love and peace to you and your family during this precious time and it is so comforting to know that other people have felt the same pain as I have as this horrible cancer took away my one and only Daddy.  Like someone said before, it is awful that this cancer brought us together, I wish I never had to post on this site.....but I am so thankful for each of you - your friendship has kept me going these last 6 weeks since losing my Daddy.....every kind word and prayer.....

Smiling through tears,
Patsy

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Patsy,
Thank you for your beautiful moving words.  It does mean a lot to me to have this group of people on this site that understand.  The last few days have been particularly difficult with my dad, and your words were very comforting. 
Peace and Prayer
Barbara

The  Lord is my shephard

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Goog Morning Barbara.... Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.  It was one of those nights where I just had to think and pray for all and their hardships and tough love situations.  God knows we all are having our share of the tough choices but certainaly ones that have to be made.  You have the best day possible, under the circumstances.
Bless You.
Jefff G.

Take it to the Limit,One More Time! (Eagles)

Re: most difficult phonecall I have ever had to make

Morning JeffG, thanks for your kind words.  When I finally, gradually made the switch in my mind from "lets cure this cancer" to " lets stabilize the cancer so dad can live a while with it" to "lets just keep him comfortable and out of pain", it was a bittersweet relief.  Calling hospice and letting them help us with his pain as he enters the journey to the otherside, and accepting that is what the situation truly means, is the most difficult part.  Jeff, I think about you and Valerie often, and I have so much gratatude and respect for you for all you have done to help others in your situation.  You defied the odds with this brutal cancer and continue to do so,   Just keep taking it to the limit.  You have a great day as well.
Peace and Prayer
Barbara

The  Lord is my shephard