Topic: Am turning into the worst mother

I am feeling really guilty about my parenting of my son lately.  Yesterday morning I was in one of my moods that I just wanted to get my son to school, so I could get over to my parents to see how my dads night went.  So it was still 45 minutes before he  was to be at school, and we were going over his questions for his Social Studies test.  He was answering all the questions in a "singsong" voice and then I had to snap, and tell him I wasnt in the mood and to talk normal.  Without missing a beat, my 10 yearold said, "when are you ever in the mood for anything?" Normally, I would have said, "hey, lose the attitude", but the truth is, he is right, I am always agitaed, down, quiet.  His Birthday is Sunday.  I dont have him for his Birthday b/c it is his my Exes year to have him, but usually I plan something for the next day with my family, and I atleast think of something to get him, and I havent' done anything.  He only turns 10 once, and I know that, but I just cant put one foot infront of the other anymore.  I am messing up at work completely, and since I own my own company, I guess that is o.k. but I am doing a lot of damage to the business by never getting anything done.  I am not going to get any great mother awards these days.

The  Lord is my shephard

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

We all just do the best we can and real life can be a pretty bumpy road when kids are loved they can rally to most situations.Your boy knows your under stress but he probably feels unsettled and so be it-it wont harm him in the long run just be kind to yourself
    kind regards   Janet

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Dear Roma,

Try not to beat yourself up too much on this. You are going through a lot right now. It is all so over whelming. All you can do is deal with things as they come at you and do the best that you can. Take it one day at a time.  Everything has a way of working itself out in its own time.

I know this is hard to do, but try to take some time for you. You need to take care of yourself too so that you will be strong enough to deal with everything else.

I will keep you & your family in my thoughts & prayers.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Dear Barbara,
   I know how bad you feel about your relationship with your son right now, but try not to  feel too bad.  I am sure that you are a great Mom, and that your Son knows how much you love him. The problem is, we only have so much emotional strength, and yours is all focused on your Dad and his situation right now, there just isn't anything left over. I know how hard it was for me to fous on ANYTHING besides my Husband's illness, and I didn't have a child to think about, at home with me. When you are feeling stronger, emotionally, talk to your son and try to explain a bit - tell him that you love him so much, but that , right now, you are so worried about Grandpa, and busy trying to spend time with him, and that makes you short-tempered, and sad.  Do try to take some time for normal life activities, even if it is just going for ice cream with your son, to celebrate his birthday. I found, when Butch was sick, that a few minutes of "normal" time helped me to bear up under the stress. No matter that whenever I was away from him, I felt guilty, and worried about him, it still helped, I think. I found that this illness is almost all-consuming, and , Darla is right - if you also just take some time just for you, it will help you, in the long run, be a better daughter AND Mother.

Big cyber-hugs to you,

Joyce

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Hi Kid. I have an idea. I am not a Psyche guy but and I could be all wrong but...
have you opened up to him at all why you are feeling the way you are? How about for his birthday something that may help you both? Spend the time putting together, with him, a memory book of his Grandpa? He will then feel part of what you are going through, it will be a bonding time and he will have a wonderful memory book. Oh, and do a lunch out or dinner out just the 2 of you.
Maybe it would help all the way around. Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for and maybe he just needs to know this affects him too and that you can lean on him just a tad. Thinking of you!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Barbara- you are not an awful mom or anything!  Do you think maybe the way your son is reacting is his coping mechanism as to what is happening to his Grandpa?  We all deal with situations so differently - children are very in tune with their parents emotions......I like all the ideas above - especially ones that deal with including time with your dad.....maybe take the cake and ice cream there with a dvd or game?  Make memories for his 10th birthday and YES, please take time for yourself - even if it is just a walk.  Even though I walked and cried every afternoon, when I went back in to deal with all that was happening I felt better.  We are thinking of you and sending peace and prayers your way!!

Smiles through tears,
Patsy

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Thanks Ladies, you made me feel better on this super dreary, rainly day in Chicago.  I think it is really difficult for my son to see his grandfather so sick.  I was divorced by the time my son(Michael) was 3 and we lived with my  parents for a year, and then moved down the street from them.  We have eaten dinner with them almost everynight Michael is with me, took vacations together, infact a few years ago, Michael and my dad and I went back to Italy together for a family wedding.   His grandfather dying is going to be the first death of a close family member for him.  A few weeks ago we were with my dad and he was telling Michael he wished that Michael still played soccer.  My father loves Italian soccer, he watches his team Roma play everyweek, and Michael played since he was 5, and was actually pretty good, but he burned out and actually prefers baseball and basketball to Soccer.  When he used to play, my dad came to every game and I know he missed it last year when Michael didn't play.  So a few days ago, my ex husband called and said "did you know Michael wants to play soccer again?" I hung up and I thought that is what my boy is doing for Grandpa.  He knows his grandfather isn't going to make it to any games, but he is going to do it for him anyway.
I will try to do something with him for his grandpa, I have been working on a picture album and since my 10 year old is far more tech versed then me, maybe he can download pictures with music and create a video and give all the family something to remember.
O.K. maybe I am not the worst mom in the world, I think I am raising a pretty good kid.
Oh, by the way, I went with one of my neices and got Michael a cell phone for his birthday.  He has been asking for 2 years and I have always refused, but what the heck, he only turns 10 once.
Now I may go running in the ugly rain to blow off steam and probably shed a tear or two.

The  Lord is my shephard

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Just the fact that you are concerned about your son's feelings and your outbursts around him tell me that you care very deeply about him.  A mother that was truly abusive or negligent would not even care, feel guilty about it or do the kind of soul-searching that you are doing to remedy it.

I am a single mom victim of cc with a 9 year old daughter at home.  I am guilty of outbursts lately becuase I just cannot tolerate sassy or disrespectful behaviour from her, and I am not able to be as authoritative as I usually am to keep things in check.  I've let a lot of things go lately and am pretty self-absorbed with my illness.

In one sense, it is very honest to have a negative reaction to challenging behaviour, kids just have to learn that the world is not going to be very sympathetic to disrespectful behavior. 

On the other hand we have to constantly screen ourselves to determine if our responses are appropriate or over the top.

When I have an outburst that is clearly out of proportion to the situation, I make it a point to apologize to my daughter as soon as possible, and let her know that I was wrong to react that way, that I feel terrible about it, and that I will try harder next time to be more patient.

O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless not my will but thine be done.  Matt 26:39

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Hi Kid!  I am so very, very proud of you and you know what I mean!!!!!!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Barbara,  This is such a difficult process.  You are definitely NOT alone.... I have been so snappy with Gary (my husband) lately, especially when Mom is feeling really down.  I am homeschooling Maddy and I have been slacking so much lately.  We are only doing preschool this year, but will be starting to homeschool kindergarten in the fall.  I have to get myself together.

Big hugs to you.  You are a wonderful daughter and mom!

11 (edited by marions Tue, 10 Mar 2009 12:42:54)

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Barbara...trying to keep it "together" and by that retaining some sort of

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Barbara,

I agree that you are a very concerned & compassionate daughter & mother. Your son sounds like a really great boy also. Marions suggestion to ask Dr. Giles sounds like a good idea to me too.

Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Barbara,

You are going through one of the most difficult things in adult life and trying to process your own emotions, it is normal to feel down and not be fully functional at work. You can't be the best everything right now--best daughter, caregiver, mother, sister, you can only try to get through this together with your family. It sounds like your son and your father are very close and they are lucky to have that relationship. Your son is processing his own emotions, whether or not he talks about them, and I think it is a great idea to do the picture project.

Patty

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Thanks Patty, its good to hear that I am not the only one that has messed  up at work.  I can't get anything done right now.  I work in sales and that requires me to drive around to my accounts, talk to buyers, find out what they need, at the very least I need to call.  Some days I cant even talk, so I dont do anything for work.  Yesterday,  drove a half hour to an account, got there and sat in my car another 1/2 hour.  I finally went into the store and musstered up some strength to have a conversation, but it was like pulling teeth for me.  I am sure I am doing some damage to my job now, but I'll figuire that out later.  I prefer to stay with my dad, my mom cant handle it alone emotionally, so it is where I need to be now.  Unfortunately in the retail world, (especially in this ecomony) it does not really matter what is going on in ones personal life.....
Thanks again for all of you making me feel a bit better about myself.
Barbara
BTW my son had a decent Birthday considering he came down with strep throat, missed his playoff basketball game b/c of it, and had to have his party at his dads cancelled.  He was way happy about his new cell phone, although, I don't know who he is going to call??

The  Lord is my shephard

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Dear Barbara,

I hope that your son is feeling better. Sorry his birthday didn't work out that great, but atleast he had the cell phone to cheer him up a bit. He can always call his Mom. It will make him feel more secure in the fact that you are there from him 24/7.  I am also glad to hear that you are now feeling a little better about yourself. Just remember to keep putting one foot in front of the other & take things one day at a time. Things have a way of working themselves out, even if it isn't always in the way that we want or expect them to. Try to take time for you too. I know that isn't easy, but it is important. You need to be strong so that you can be there for your family and especially for your Son & your Dad.  I will keep all of you in my thoughts & prayers.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Dear Barbara,
   Talk about messing up at work! I have been at my job  31 years - it involves software applications for a long term care facility - we own a number of them (Facilities) around Ny and Pa. Well - good thing I have been there that long, I will tell you. They held my job for me (and paid me to be out) last year while Butch was ill, and I have been back awhile now, however, I have the attention span of a gnat, and my concentration is - not so great. I am a shadow of my former self, but - I forgive myself - I know that after what we all go through, we can't escape with full mental capabilities intact! I consider myself lucky to be running on one engine! So - you are not alone, and - you are in the midst of it right now, so - God bless you.

Joyce C. 


PS - glad your Son got that cell phone!

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Thanks Darla for the vote of confidence in me as a mom.  Sometimes I need a boost, b/c I am falling short often and I am expecting a 10 year old to always undertand.  Joyce, I can totally relate to the operating on one engine, I dont know how I get anything done anymore(well, I dont actually.....I am getting ready to make Michaels B-day icecream cake for school tomorrow, which was supposed to be brought in today, oh well only a day late, thats pretty good for me these days!  Sounds like you work for a kind company with heart, or else, maybe because you are a kind person with heart that they were so good to you.  Off to bake.   
Take Care
Barbara

The  Lord is my shephard

Re: Am turning into the worst mother

Ok boys and girls,

I think now would be an excellent time to take a deep breath, pat ourselves on the back and tell ourselves we are the best at dealing with this monster of a disease. 

Whether we are caregivers, patients or friends we are doing the best with whatever we have to give at the moment.  Until anyone has walked in our shoes they will never know how truly remarkable we all are!

In a sense we are are being "refined by fire". 

I also highly recommend the five minute rule.....Do five minutes and then do the next five minutes....lol

Somehow, some day, some way we will all make it through this.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers!!

Hugs to all!

Pam

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.