Topic: Will it ever end!

I would like to introduce myself, my name is Tracy. Honestly, I feel like a victim of two horrific diseases that have come into my life.  You see, in the late 80's I watched my father die of AIDS.  I thought to myself, "ok, I can get past this, there are other things more traumatic than this."  He died in his sleep.  I was wrong!  Back in April of 2007 my mother had to be admitted because she was jaundiced. They discovered she had two huge masses on both sides of her liver.  Of course, being in the health care field, I knew the outcome and I was shattered.  My mom, Linda, was such a strong person, she was a single parent when my parents divorced, she had little money, she was a housewife so she had no job back then.  In my eyes, she was a hero to many woman like herself.  She went through some really bad times, like taking stuff to pawn shops just to buy some hamburger for us that night.  She also went through a "drinking" stage which was not a good time but she won that battle, realizing that if she did not stop she would turn into an alcholic. I was 8 years old then.  She was so independant, she had no debt, knew how to save money, and was funny as all get out.  At the time of her illness, she still tried to keep a smile on her face, even though she was in so much pain.  We laughed one day when she said, " Well, moriphine is now my new BFF" Even though I think she knew she was not going to make it, I believe she went through cemo treatments just for my sake.  She lived with us till her death 2 months later.
This disease was horrific on her body, she could not eat, drink, etc.  but she still got up in the morning, tried to drink a cup of coffee put on her hat, which by the way she says made her look like a dork!  and go out and sit on our deck, all day. She would comment about the dragonflies and wondered why there were no monarch butterflies.  My mom died in my arms, she did not know what was happening to her when this happened.  In some sort of way I envy the other grieving family members that their loved ones passed away more peacefully.  Till this day I still break down because of how she died.  It has by far been the most devasting ordeal that I have had to go through.  Even though I do not know the members of this group but I wish I could take away your pain, I wish I could just take this disease and laugh at it because it can not hurt anyone anymore.  Since her death I now have an abundance of Monarch Butterflies where I live.

When you wake up every morning, ask yourself this question: " I have a choice, will I be a happy person or am I going to be a sad person "  Did you choose the right one?

Re: Will it ever end!

What a beautiful, moving tribute to your mom, it brought tears to my eyes.  She seemed like an incredible, strong mother/women.   No wonder you are so proud of her.  I am so sorry she and your family had to suffer with this horrific, unfair disease.  I hope it can give you some comfort that you are not alone, all of us on this site know your pain, sorrow and frustration.  Feel free to vent, rant, cry, reflect with us, we are all here to help.(infact,  I know it helps me to try to help others)  I am pretty sure that is your mom fluttering around your home letting you know she is o.k. and she is still watching over you.
Take care and God Bless
peace
Barbara

The  Lord is my shephard

Re: Will it ever end!

I'm so sorry Tracy.  Mom's are so special.  What an amazing daughter you are and what great care you took of her.  My heart aches that it wasn't more peaceful at the end for her.  All the butterflies sound like a gift from God and your Mom.  Wishing you the best through hard times.

Praying for better tomorrows,
Carol

Re: Will it ever end!

Dear Tracy,

What a lovely story. It also brought tears to my eyes. Both you & your Mom are incredibly amazing people. I am so sorry that you lost her the way you did, but I too think that the Monarch butterflies are her way of letting you know that she is OK and still with you, watching over you.  My thoughts & prayers are with you at this sad time.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Will it ever end!

Please accept our heartfelt sympathies on the passing of your wonderful mom. She sounds like a fabulous person and you are an astounding daughter. I am positive you will always have Monarch's fluttering around you, after all isn't that was moms do? Flutter around us? Our prayers go out to you and your family.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Will it ever end!

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  Dragonflies and Butterflies have  taken on another meaning for me. 
Hugs coming your way,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: Will it ever end!

It hurts so much because you loved her so much.

Re: Will it ever end!

Thank you so much for the support.   I suspect that it will always be difficult to understand why the ones you love are taken way too early.  I am more of a spiritual person than religious and I truly believe that you experience different things to learn and teach others.  Right now my lesson to learn and to pass on is that to appreciate every living being, don't take one thing for granted.  Of course I am getting a big fat "D" in this lesson.

On a more humouros note, when it was time to make funeral arrangements, I did something a bit different.  I decorated the parlor with all my mom's favorite things.  Egyptian statues from her home, her ever loving red wings jersey, I had "KISS" rock group t-shirts plastered everywhere and of course her ever devotion to the MIA organizations.  I also had the funeral parlor play only her favorite songs, which by the way were KISS and ZZ Top.   She did not ride in a hearst, she was pulled by a Harley Davidson glass carriage that was pulled by a Tri-Harley.

Needless to say I had family members from other funerals coming to my mom's room just to get away from the sadness.  Then I was asked why I did not make it a business on planning funerals!!! Go Figure.

Thank you again, and I am sure when I remember other goofy things I did with my mom I will share.

You all have given me a bright spot to think about, oh my mom was only 61 when she passed.

Love to all
Tracy

When you wake up every morning, ask yourself this question: " I have a choice, will I be a happy person or am I going to be a sad person "  Did you choose the right one?

Re: Will it ever end!

Tracy,
Sure seemed like your mom lived an unconventional life, what a great tribute. I love it!  Waaaaay too young to die.

The  Lord is my shephard

Re: Will it ever end!

Tracy,

I too feel the way you do about not taking anything or anyone for granted & also am not being real successful at it, but I will keep trying.

I think what you did for your Mom was a wonderful tribute to her & just what she would have wanted. It may have been unconventional, but just right for her. You might want to think about starting that new business, it would probably be very successful! smile

Take care & know that I am thinking of you.

Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Will it ever end!

How very blessed your wonderful mother was to have such an awesome daughter like you! I lost my dad to a very rare form of throat cancer almost four years ago now, and lost my beloved husband one month, one week ago tomorrow to this horrific disease.  I know exactly the pain you are feeling...please know that you are not alone. I know that sometimes no matter what we say, do or think, there will never be enough hope to get us through another second of the day...but some how, some way...I like to believe it is God's grace showering upon me that I find within myself the power to go on and think of all the wonderfully fun times we had together, especially with our daughter.  You have most definitely come to the best place ever to heal!

Love,
Heather

Re: Will it ever end!

H Tracy what an ordeal you have been through and it makes it harder when you know what to expect.We had a nice funeral too with some favourite songs-funerals these days are not what they were are they
                                                             Janet

Re: Will it ever end!

Tracy,

I wanted to share my story about the hummingbirds with you.  My Mom was diagnosed in May 2008 by me (I'm a cytologist).  It was a totally incidental finding - she was still working full time at 76 and a shock since it was Stage IV with mets to the lungs.  I didn't lose my grandmothers til they were in their mid 90's.

Anyway in late September she decided to get a hummingbird feeder.  I cringed when she decided on this knowing the birds had probably already migrated, but Daddy went and bought a beautiful and fairly expensive glass and metal one.  He sat it up and placed it outside of the living room window where she could sit on the couch and see it. 

As I kissed her goodbye to come home to New Bern I could barely make it through the goodbyes without crying.  I knew in my heart she probably wouldn't be here to see the birds come back this spring.  I made it to the car and cried all three and 1/2 hours back to New Bern.  As I prayed through my tears my prayer was "Please God if you are there and listening, just send a hummingbird". 

I made it home (somehow) and called to let them know I was home.  My Mom answered the phone and after I told her I was home she said, "You would not believe what happened!  You had only been gone for about 20 minutes and I was on the couch and I looked up and saw three different hummingbirds on the feeder.  They stayed for almost an hour and were absolutely amazing!"

I think of this and smile whenever I remember the wonder in her voice and know that God is still in charge and taking care of everything.

Hugs to you,

Pam

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.

14 (edited by ljg Fri, 13 Mar 2009 09:36:00)

Re: Will it ever end!

Dragonflies, My Story

My father was a religious person and I pretty much am not.  After he died (he had idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis), I started seeing dragonflies.  My Mother (who one year later died of CC) was very busy seeing crosses, and I supported her cross thing.  I wasn't into it, but I knew it had meaning for her.  So, one day, when a dragonfly buzzed my car relentlessly, I realized that I was being "harassed" by this dragonfly.   I looked closely and realized it looked like a cross, in a way. 

I later mentioned this to my Mom, and realized that my Dad knew he would not get me through religion, but nature had a chance to grab my attention.  Okay, here's the odd part now...

After my father died, I was on the porch and a blue dragonfly approached, I watched him with interest, and he got quickly and tragically snagged by a huge spider and web above my head.  I was astounded and really pissed off for that dragonfly.  I wanted to save him.  I found myself getting a lite broom pull him out with the web, and he lay there trapped in all this webbing .  For those of you who are not very visual, this sticky mess was allowing him to lift and take off but not fly!  My father was life flighted to the hospital and it triggered all sorts of memories for me. 

Strangely, seeing this dragonfly's circumstances made me immediately think of my father, and I ran into the house and got tweezers to use to clear the webbing.  It took some time (over an hour).  As I worked and realized that the wings of the dragonfly are much like the tissue paper thin tissues of the lungs that, for my Dad, were scarred and even more delicate. 

I freed the blue dragonfly and he stood still there for hours, perched on a towel.  I even have photos of this.  He took his time and when he was ready, he flew away. 

My Mom (preCC and during) was very well aware of my dragonfly issue, and one day in the hospital she sent me to get "something for myself" in the gift shop.  She had never even been out of bed there, and I was barely making it to eat most days.  She had casually handed me a $20 bill a few days prior and said when I could, go to the gift shop and get something for myself.  I never had the time to brush my teeth let alone leave the room most days. 

One night, we were low because she wanted to go home desperately, and I had not worked out the details with hospice yet.  It was a tricky situation in her case.  I had to get some dinner, and I had a nurse to check on her for me while I was gone.  That night I did stop at the gift shop.  I bought her a lovely healing stone chakara bracelet, to focus on.  She loved jewelry and it was really special and detailed.  I was on my way out with the $20 still in my purse when a box jumped off the clearance shelf and landed on the floor, hitting my foot.  It was a high quality sterling silver necklace with a glass paned blue dragonfly, marked down from $55 to $20.  I had to buy it for myself. 

She cried when she saw it.  And she enjoyed the bracelet I bought her and played with the toggle.  And after she left me, the dragonflies started coming again.  Following my car, arriving on my porch, and even following me into town while I drove a few times. 

I am not sure what it all means, but I am open to nature and they kinda do look like crosses.  Life, it seems, even in the worst of times... never ceases to amaze me.  -ljg

Re: Will it ever end!

Tracy-

You did it again... goofy.  Now that's my Dad's word.  -ljg

Re: Will it ever end!

Pam-

I have a bird story too for you.  My husband's Grandfather lost his wife very young, never remarried and was not necessarily happy without her.  We went to him when he was dying and we waited there a long time.  It finally dawned on us, my husband and he being so close, that he would not leave with us there.  So we started to drive home, a 6 hour trip.

We were in separate cars and it was raining very hard.  We had 2 way radios and he turned one way, when I the other.  It was frustrating and so I talked to him on the radio.  No answer.  He called my cell phone after his rang about the news that his beloved "Bumba' had left this world. 

When we found each other at a corner and I jumped out of the car in the terrible storm to hug him, crying... I looked to my right because I heard a noise.  Two small birds, and no I am sorry I do not know what kind they were (they were tiny) were playing and dancing in the huge puddle. 

Right then I knew that his grandfather was reunited with his grandmother and that they were happy. 

Funny... -ljg

17 (edited by duke0929 Fri, 13 Mar 2009 13:50:06)

Re: Will it ever end!

a illness like this(i wont say the C word i hate it)or any illness makes you wonder if anyone is really up there and is listening..you start to doubt your faith and say why,why is HE doing this...you pray and pray and it seems like no one is listening...people say that HE works in strange ways and i say to myself why would HE do this to some one who never harmed anyone or anything... and i still wonder...but stories like the humming bird and the dragonfly make me realize that HE is listening and HE has a plan, so i just keep on praying..my heart felt sorrows for your loses....ron

Re: Will it ever end!

I have a bird story to share too.

The day after I recieved the news that I had a possible tumor in my liver/gallbladder I had undergone a bettery of MRIs and a CT scan.

As we sat in the GI specialist's office to hear the verdict, it seemed like it was taking a while for him to get to us.  My companion decided to open the blind on the window so we could look outside and see the sky.

The landscape that we could see from the window was one of hospital rooftops and buildings.  We could not see trees or any other natural thing.

Suddenly a bald eagle lifted off from one of the rooftops and circled around near our window.  I said, that eagle has a message for me, doesn't it.

Sure enough the doctor confirmed a suspicion of cc soon after, and while it hasn't made the shock and aftereffects any easier, I do feel the presence of a higher power guiding me through this experience.

O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless not my will but thine be done.  Matt 26:39

Re: Will it ever end!

Speaking of bird stories, check out this one! Beautiful!

http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/freedom.asp

O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless not my will but thine be done.  Matt 26:39