Topic: Two sad songs.

Dear Friends,

I haven't written much lately, actually I haven't read much either. I feel different lately. I feel like I'm holding out. Next week I finally get a break from my studies, so I am going to fly and visit my dad for 4 precious days. It's been 3 long months since my last visit. I talk with him on web chat or on the phone almost everyday, but this last week not so much. I feel this distancing from his end, but perhaps don't pay too much attention since I'm finishing up my term papers and assignments. While driving in my car yesterday I heard the song "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts for the very first time...I could barely see where I was driving the tears were streaming down so fast. When I got home I found it and listened to it over and over and had a good, long needed cry. Then just this morning I was driving two minutes from my house to grab a coffee and again, a heart wrenching song, "You can Let go now daddy" by Crystal Shawanda. A song I had never heard, and thus the steady flow of tears down my face. WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN? I feel like it's a wake up call or something? I am so excited to see my daddy in less than a week and yet I feel a whole host of emotions all of a sudden, well mostly just sadness (or something like it that I can't explain). I have gotten used to not seeing it, just hearing it, the pain, the 14 hour sleeps, the itching, the sweats, the nausea. Often I felt resentful of those who get to drive the 5 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour to see their mom or dad. But now, I don't know who has it "better"? As if there is such a thing with this monster. Maybe the two situations are just different. Being there all the time, immersed in their pain, or hardly there to help, hug, love, deal with the stages as they come. I want to make my visit a good one! I just feel like the whole world is saying "why are you crying its not like he's dead yet" and I don't want to wait until that dreaded day to write on the remembrance board to share my hurt and pain, when I know my friends here know and understand what this "anticipatory grief" is all about. These songs do give me some peace. In the Rascal Flatts video the father who has died asks the little boy "what is it like?" And the boy responds, "Just like normal goodbyes". (You have to watch it: go to youtube.com and type in the song). That childlike spirit is what I need to survive, to get through this. To know that I WILL see my dad again, doesn't mean I wont feel the sting, but he will be at peace when he passes. And again too, with the other song, it is about me as the daughter one day having to say "you can let go now daddy". And I am okay with that, even though I know it will be the most difficult thing I will ever have to do.

Hugs through tears to all who have had to endure this pain,

Ashlea

Re: Two sad songs.

It is so weird I am reading this post.  I just heard an Alan Jackson song two days ago that made me cry and I was just sure he wrote it for me.  It is called Sissy's song and talks about this woman dying too young.  I can't listen to it without breaking down but it is beautiful.  So I know exactly what you are talking about and I can totally feel your pain.  sad

Re: Two sad songs.

Hi  Ashlea. I just have to repeat a true story I have posted before. I hope it will make you feel better in that your dad is preparing for a beautiful, peaceful place. My dad did not believe in anything he could not understand so the thought of anything hereafter totally escaped him. When he was 93 and in good health he had his gall bladder removed. He improved quickly for 93, went home and the second day home he went in to a deep sleep. I could not  wake him and called the Paramedics. They could not wake him and finally did the infamous breast bone rub. He just bounced awake almost off the bed. My mom said she was worried as he would not wake up and he answered, "I was dreaming, I saw heaven!". She asked him what it was like and he said "it was so beautiful." We took him to ER and my daughter came and she said, "Grandpa, I heard you saw heaven." He replied, "Yes, I did and it was beautiful." He passed a day later. If I didn't believe before it sure made me a believer then! I hope that this, coming from a non believer, helps to ease your concern. You are a good, loving daughter and when you go home, try to just enjoy your visit and perhaps create some new memories.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Two sad songs.

Ashlea - I lost my Daddy January 14 of this year and I live 1/4 of a mile from him.  Everyday I would stop after work, take him dinner, sit with him while he ate and then toward the end, I was there all day every day.  Either way, I think we all felt/feel the pre-grieving....the Tim McGuire song, Live like you were dying - gets me every time....still does.  So does Vince Gill's version of Go rest high on that mountain.  I think it is good Ashlea that you let yourself have those long cries......and yes, it will be the most difficult thing you will ever have to do. I still turn in at my Daddy's every day and sit - now, 2 1/2 months later, it is getting a little better - but days I still just cry, cry, cry.  My heart goes out to you - enjoy every moment that you have with your one and only Daddy.......

Smiles through tears,
Patsy

Re: Two sad songs.

Hi Ashley, I just wanted to send you a great big hug and let you know you're not alone. The anticipatory grief is as hard as any real grief, and music has a way of pulling on those heartstrings.  Love hurts, and you are so young. I'm so sorry that you and your Dad are going through this.  I received many of those 'wake up calls' inspired by music, over the course of my Dad's 4 mo. battle. I learned that those moments of musical intuition, when the tears subsided, were the ones that I needed to follow up on with an immediate call or visit.....

You know Ashley, even if your Dad is sleeping most of the time when you go home to visit, he'll know you're there.   I use to go in and gently touch Dad's arm, every couple hours, just to say 'hi Dad- I'm here'. He'd go right back to sleep, but I just needed to say hi.

We're thinking of you, know what you're going through, and are crying with and for you....

-Tess

Re: Two sad songs.

Oh Lainy, what a story! Thank you for sharing that with me....

And of course thank you Patsy and Tess for your kind words and support!