1 (edited by Cherbourg Wed, 18 Mar 2009 22:45:26)

Topic: The saddest birthday......

Today is my 54th birthday and the saddest I've ever had.  Birthdays have always been a big deal in our family and as long as I can remember my birthdays have ALWAYS started with the song "Happy Birthday" being sung to me by my parents. 

When I left their house to go to college, it was always sung to me over the phone.  Throughout my married life the phone always rang before I left to go to work. 

Today I got up and waited....no phone call.  My husband didn't mention it knowing that I was disappointed.  It's such a silly thing but I did really miss it this morning.  I decided not to be sad since once again I would be on the road to come to Mom and Dad's house tonight. 

I got a phone call in the car on the way to Greensboro from my sister.  She wished me happy birthday and told me she was getting ready to leave Mom and Dad's and wouldn't be here when I arrived.  I got choked up in the car and cried and told her how much I missed that birthday call.  She was trying not to cry and managed to get out of the house before Mom asked what was wrong.  Her youngest son (He's married and just found out they will be parents in November)  was born on my birthday and she said he didn't get his call either and was sad and upset.  There we were...two sisters united in our grief and crying like lost children over a silly song.

When I got to Greensboro, Daddy said it had been a good and bad day.  Mom and he were able to go for a walk and sit in the sun out on the porch for a long time.  This afternoon he said she seemed to get angry and said she was going to take a shower by herself.  When he tried to help she really gave him a hard time.  She managed to get in the shower with him hovering near enough to steady her if she needed it.  She got dressed by herself (which Daddy said seemed to take an eternity) and got angry when he tried to help.

I had been home about 25 minutes and Daddy was relating the day's events when all of a sudden we heard a noise and both jumped up.  Daddy headed to the bedroom  (Mom had been sound asleep when I peeked in on her when I arrived) and I headed to the living room.  Mom was standing there totally confused.  At first she was perplexed, then angry, then paranoid then all of a sudden she was sitting on the couch weeping. 

She said she knew she was confused earlier and was heartbroken she had been angry at my Daddy.  She then broke down and cried and wept.  She said over and over she didn't want to be sick.  She didn't know why she had gotten this cancer and didn't want to upset our lives.  She was upset because she was supposed to be taking care of us not the other way around.  Daddy and I sat on the couch on either side of her and held her and told her we didn't understand cancer either.  She told Daddy she didn't want to leave him and he assured her he didn't want her to.  He then held her and told her they were fortunate in that they knew exactly where they were going when their time came.  He reminded her that they promised that whichever one got to heaven first would be waiting on the other.

It's now after midnight and my birthday is over.  No phone call, no song, just the knowledge that the woman I love and admire the most in the world is rapidly slipping away from us.

At 54 I know I should be acting like the grown woman my mother raised, secure in my faith and aware that death is a part of life and that this coming separation will only be temporary.  But I'm not.  I sitting here pouring out my grief and rage to the only handful of people in the whole wide world who not only understand but walk and have walked this awful journey with me.

I'll sign off now and in honor of my mother I'll sing the birthday song to myself  before I fall asleep.

Thanks for always being there....I know you understand...

Pam

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.

Re: The saddest birthday......

Pam....I know that this will not make up for everything you are yearning for....Happy Birthday....to a wonderful human being.  You.
Hugs coming your way,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: The saddest birthday......

Happy birthday Pam.  While its not about birthdays for me I do know exactly how you feel, the loss of the person seems to occur in so many ways long before they are finally taken.  I look forward to every day with my partner even when she is demanding and unreasonable because I know that there is a chance that one day I may so much miss those demands, the short temper and unreasonbleness.  I hope that I never lose her but if I do I will cherish even the hard time long after.

Re: The saddest birthday......

Happy Birthday Pam,

I wish we could all be there with you & sing it for you, but you know that we are all here for you and yes we all understand.

I think this disease just takes everything away from us. I am 60 & should also be secure in my faith but there are days both before & after that I too have felt like you. It is some of the littlest things that become so important & that we miss the most. My husband bought, sold & played accordian's. Sometimes when he played he would not stop, would just go on & on & on. It drove me crazy at times, but I can not tell you how much I now miss that. If only he were here now I would never again complain. I even made my son play one for me when he was over one day shortly after Jim passed on. 

We too experienced a lot of what you are talking about. I think it is all just part of the pain, anger & frustration on everyone's part.  It is a good feeling to know that here everyone understands so keep posting it does help. We are all here for you.

My thoughts & prayers are with you & your family.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: The saddest birthday......

Dearest Pam

Happy Birthday!  I wish I could reach out and hold your hand.  Thank you for sharing your pain with me.  Thank you for your honesty, you put into words what I keep inside.  And it helps to see it on screen and Know that we are not alone and we have each other even if it is across the miles.

Sending you lots of love and hugs and prayer.

Michelle

"My dad, Tony, passed away on 4 October 2010, after a 19 month battle with CC"   - I carry you in my heart, Dad, forever.

Re: The saddest birthday......

Pam
You and I are in the exact same spot right now, and I feel all your pain.  Your pain makes me cry, which isnt difficult, because I have a constant flow of tears these days.  I want what was there before with my dad so incredibly badly, I hate this cancer because it has robbed him and his family of so much.  The other day in the Chicagoland it was 75 degrees out, which is amazing for March, and everyone was out in the neighborhood.  My son and my neices and nephews were all in the front of the house, rollerblading, riding bikes, shooting hoops, and any second my dad should have been wallking down the block(he and my mom live a block away) he was supposed to be turning the corner waving to neighbors, saying "beautiful day!" the kids were supposed to run up to him and kiss and hug him, and then he would sit in the front of my house and watch the kids play and take it all in.  Instead he was in a hospital, laying in bed, on tons of pain killers....Im sorry Pam that it was your Birthday, and a tradition is now broken for you.  Eventually with the strength I KNOW you have, your Birthday will bring back warm, happy memories for you, just like eventually I will remembe my dad walking down the street at a brisk pace, smiling and laughing in the spring sun will be a wonderful memory for me.  Not now though, now it is just heartbreak, and tears.  Your mom lovingly brought you into this world 54 years ago, and you are lovingly helping her make her journey back home.  YOu are an amazing daughter, and I can only think it is because you were raised by amazing parents.
Happy Birthday,
Peace and love
Barbara

The  Lord is my shephard

Re: The saddest birthday......

Thank you all for being so supportive and kind.  I didn't sleep well last night and when I got up and logged on yall made me cry again.  BUT...these were good tears. 

I think I'm back on track, the pity party is over (at least for the next 10 minutes) and I'll face the day knowing ONCE AGAIN...that yall are the most wonderful, caring and understanding people on the planet.

Please take care to wear your "halos" straight and with pride today for you are my angels...

Hugs,
Pam

PS.... Now I'll go and change the age on my profile!......29? anyone???  *grin*

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.

Re: The saddest birthday......

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PAM. I think you DID get a BIG Birthday gift as you got to spend the day with your mom! No matter the condition, you were together. Perhaps subconsciously it was not a good day for her as she knew she didn't sing to you. But being with her was the frosting on the cake.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: The saddest birthday......

Pam,

Sorry it is belated...

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Pam
Happy birthday to you...  (although you might need to cover your ears, my singing isn't good wink)

My mom always calls and sings happy birthday also.  I understand your pain.  BIG BIG hugs to you.

Amy

Re: The saddest birthday......

Oh Pam...

I so understand and wish that I did not.

I was 38 when my Mother died, and frankly I think that we are all 4 when we loose our Mom.  What you are feeling is natural, and you know that.  You also know that you are special and worth celebrating.  Happy Birthday. 

The Happy part of that is relative.  You will grow to understand, just as I have, that you will appreciate things even more in your life with with experience as a reference.  You will love more deeply, live more fully and understand the meaning of life.  That is your unusual birthday present.  There is a gift that comes with all of this mess.  And you are on that road of enlightenment, whether you want to be or not.

I know.  I have been there.  After my Dad died I told my Mom that were are the walking wounded, and we are.  After a while it becomes strength and courage, so hold on, and know that you are both that secure woman and that sad 4 year old that we all are when we hurt. 

My best to you in celebration of your special day.  We also have to be happy that we made it this far, and that's the Happy part.  (((hugs)))  -ljg

Re: The saddest birthday......

Dear Pam,
   I like that description - walking wounded - it sounds like a good description of us. I, too, know how you felt - it is so hard, saying goodbye to all our little traditions and such that make up the fabric of our relationship with our loved ones. No wonder we go through the "pre-grief" state- how could we not? Anyway, you are a wonderful daughter, so your parents must both be wonderful people.

Happy belated birthday --  Joyce C.

Re: The saddest birthday......

I very sorry for your loss, Pam.  Your Mom gave you a tradition.  It is not really over, you have to pick it up for her.  That'll bring you together again.  My Mom loved going out to lunch.  So, my sister and I make it a point to get together for lunch on her birthday, Mother's Day and the anniversary of her passing even though she left us almost 3 years ago.  The sad tears the first year are now smiles as we recall again and again the funny things she used to do.  Yes, find a private place and sing to yourself.   Happy Birthday, Pam.