Topic: Absolutely conflicted
I am sitting here, trying to get the words out, but instead I just feel rage today. I am mad at the world, and I know better, but I am pissed and I have to let that out.
I know that people die... but not MY Mom (she used to say, call me Patty). Right now, she should be flitting around the house we just sold, making Easter cookies for the grankids and doting on her elderly father. At 61, she spent her birthday in the hospital, wondering when she might die.
A nightmare she could not walk away from, she watched the staff try as I absolutely was conflicted about what to do next. Eight months later, and a lot of personal work to create a life worth living more fully, that conflict seeps back into my space today as I am supposed to be studying for exams.
I remind myself, she was in so much pain, pain that did not respond to meds in any way, shape, or form. And my very feisty, 61 year young Mother absolutely gave up on life, and slowly decided her cards had been dealt. It was time to die. A mere 41 days after diagnosis, and a failed gallbladder surgery for what they thought were stones, after finding cancer everywhere... on her gallbladder, her bile duct, her duodenum, and "sprinkled like powdered sugar" all over her diaphragm, this active being evaporated before my eyes.
I am not often angry, but each month on the 6th, as a count how many months she's been gone from this earth, I get angry all over again. And I let myself really feel that... for a little while.
The reality is that she could not stay, and I know that, I just don't want to accept it. It's not fair and she had much more living to do.
As I picture the world with her in it suffering, I know the right thing happened, but my younger self says NO. I go back to days of summer skies, beach trips, hair styles gone by and the anger crashes down again. I will not get to see my Mother grow old. I don't have to worry about her aging and falling, and again I am angry.
Where do I put all these conflicted emotions, they swoop at me one after the next, mixed with the trauma of watching it all unfold right before my eyes. I do not expect anyone to respond to this rant and tirade, but I am angry again and I had to get that out. I know better than to live with anger in my cells, because I have seen what that can cause.
Just hope this helped me more forward and back out of anger a little bit.
Stay well, live fully, and be present today. -ljg