• Lainy
  • Lainy
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  • From: Phoenix AZ
  • Registered: Fri, 13 Jan 2006
  • Posts: 8,209

Topic: Is This What U R Really Thinking?

If I should express anger or depression, PLEASE don't say "You have to stay
positive" or "Let's talk about the good things in your life".
Accept that I am afraid, lonely, anxious and in pain. I NEED to let these feelings out!

Don't feel you have to "FIX it!"  Don't worry about saying the right thing, it's OK to tell me you don't know what to say.

REMEMBER no matter how supportive you are, my feelings don't disappear when you hang up the phone or walk away. 

If I say I'm tired, please don't say "who isn't tired?" The tiredness I feel from my treatments go beyond fatigue. Remember I still have to do the same housework, shopping, laundry that you do, while being physically, emotionally and financially drained.

IF I need to talk about the possibility of my own death, PLEASE DON'T say "Stop talking like that" or "Everyone's going to die. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow." The only way you can compare getting hit by a bus and going through treatments for cancer is if the bus hits you, and then dragged you around for 5 years before you died.

PLEASE DO listen to my fears. Just listen and let me know you are there for me. I know how important it is to be positive, but sometimes I just need to
cry, scream and talk about how unfair life is.

REMEMBER I am on chemicals that are poisons.   My hormones, emotions, body, plans for the future, activity level, finances and friendships have all been affected by cancer.

REMEMBER above all else, cancer has not only affected me. It has affected you too. And just as I have asked you to be there for me, I promise to do what I can to be there for you!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

2 Reply by devoncat (edited by devoncat Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:54:16)

  • From: Kalmar, Sweden
  • Registered: Sun, 20 May 2007
  • Posts: 1,951

Re: Is This What U R Really Thinking?

Amen.

Sometimes I get so tired of being told that having a good attitude is half the battle I could scream. I have a good attitude about life and as good of an attitude towards this crappy illness as I can. I want to shout if having a good attitude was the cure, then most people wouldnt die of cancer. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Sorry, it really is a pet peeve of mine how people who dont have cancer think slapping a smile on your face and ignoring realities (funeral arrangements, banking and student loan issues, etc) is going to make you better. Sometimes you need to sit down and say things that are hard and organise yourself. I am the least organised person you have ever met...it is why it took me 7 years to complete my PhD (I lost whole chapters on the computer SEVERAL times). But I am so organised about the end. My psychologist said that is the way to be. That I am so open about it and Hans and I discuss it so openly that we have reached a  great point in the process. She said that many people procrastinate and dont discuss the reality and practical matters for fear of upsetting people. That makes the end so much more stressful and unpleasant for the patient. That they waste engergy worrying and planning, energy they dont have at the end. So to all the friends and family who brush away worries and practical matters...LISTEN. It is better for the patients in the long run.  Rant over....for now. smile

Cancer is a word, not a sentence.

36 year old patient with buckets of hope
  • Lainy
  • Lainy
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  • From: Phoenix AZ
  • Registered: Fri, 13 Jan 2006
  • Posts: 8,209

Re: Is This What U R Really Thinking?

Now, don't get upset with me.....I can't help this...but...you do have a great attitude!  Perhaps its the HOPE that comes through with attitude. Maybe we need a new word for attitude.  Hope you are feeling great!!!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.
  • Lisa
  • Legend
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  • From: Stanwood, WA
  • Registered: Sat, 08 Sep 2007
  • Posts: 813

Re: Is This What U R Really Thinking?

Since we are talking about pet peeves....

I am a woman of faith and a devout Catholic.  But if I hear one more person say "But God can cure you!  Just have faith!"  I'll scream!

It's like insinuating that if you aren't cured, you don't have enough faith.  Just how much faith is "enough", I wonder?

What I do have faith in is that God loves me like His precious child, and that I trust in Him whether I live or die.

Lisa's Website

  • From: Wisconsin
  • Registered: Sun, 07 Sep 2008
  • Posts: 1,990

Re: Is This What U R Really Thinking?

OK. How about "everything happens for a reason" or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". I sometimes have to ask God what made him think I am so strong.

"One Day At A Time"
  • Registered: Fri, 12 May 2006
  • Posts: 8,164

Re: Is This What U R Really Thinking?

There is another side to this, also.  And that is how us caretakers are affected by this.  When my husband was diagnosed the entire family( his and mine) would not allow themselves to comprehend the gravity of his diagnoses.  He was at a very advanced stage of this disease.  Clearly, my husband, children and I were more then absorbed in exploring all options with the hope that he would survive this cancer.  It took everything I had not to respond to comments such as:

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER
  • From: Kalmar, Sweden
  • Registered: Sun, 20 May 2007
  • Posts: 1,951

Re: Is This What U R Really Thinking?

Lainy wrote:

Now, don't get upset with me.....I can't help this...but...you do have a great attitude!  Perhaps its the HOPE that comes through with attitude. Maybe we need a new word for attitude.  Hope you are feeling great!!!

Oh LAiny, I could never get upset with you...us firecrackers need to stick together!

Cancer is a word, not a sentence.

36 year old patient with buckets of hope
  • Registered: Fri, 12 May 2006
  • Posts: 8,164

Re: Is This What U R Really Thinking?

This is a free speech discussion board and we are doing a good job practicing our rights to express ourselves.  That is the reason, I believe, it has become so successful.

But, overriding all is the common bond we share in facing this cancer head on.

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER