Topic: I want to know....

I want to know when the physical pain of losing your mother, your best friend, your world stops?! I want to know when I will be able to hear someone else talk about their mother without hating them? I want to know when I will stop reliving every agonizing detail of her final days and wondering if I could have done  more? I want to know, why her? I want to know whos life I am living and what happened to my life? I want to know how the hell I am supposed to live everyday for the rest of my life without her love, her kindness, her knowledge?! Every question I have ever had, my mother has answered. Who will answer my questions now sad

Re: I want to know....

You know what... I want to know the answer to that too.  In the 2 1/2 months she has been gone, I am struggling more with every day that goes by.  I am also reliving Shirley's last week alive and how awful it was.  This is a nightmare that won't stop!!!!

Re: I want to know....

It's been almost 8 months since I lost my husband & I don't have the answers either. I seem to be functional at some level, but it is always a struggle.  All those feelings are still there, just below the surface. I wake up thinking it was all a terrible nightmare & he will be here beside me. Our lives have all changed drastically because of this monsterous cancer & I don't think it will ever be the same. We can't go back.  Joyce C said it feels like we are living in an "altered reality" and I think she is so right.  I don't think a lot of the feelings will ever go away.  We just learn how to live with them & go on.  I was told that grieving is a testament to your love for that person.  The more you loved someone and the longer the relationship the more you will need to grieve.  I'm not sure there are any good answers. All I can tell you is that we just keep going, putting one foot in front of the other and dealing with things as they come at us, one day at a time.   Atleast it seems that what we are all going through is "normal" (what ever that is at this point) as we are all feeling the same things.  That is somewhat comforting, but it doesn't make it any better.

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: I want to know....

SarahLindsay-

My Grandmother passed away 12/18/08. She was like my Mother but I can't say that's the same as what you're going through at all.

Grandma was the person I called when I had good news or bad news or needed advise. She was the one I trusted when I needed an honest opinion and one of the few people on the planet that could calm me down.

Three times this week, without thinking, I went to call her. The moment of realizing that she wasn't going to answer and that she really wasn't ever going to be home again made me think the world was crushing in on me. It was horrible. I have times that I feel like things will never be "right" again.

Christmas and Easter were hard. I cried most of Easter Sunday. She loved Easter.

I can't believe its been almost 4 months already but there hasn't been a week that's gone by that I haven't cried at least 4 times. The 18th of every month is a give in "freak out" day.

I was her caretaker and she was my best friend. I remember that last week too. All I could picture for months ( and honestly sometimes even now) were those last horrible degrading days. I spent a good chunk of time wondering what else I could have done. Should I have been there more? Did I do everything the way she wanted me to when she could no longer communicate? I felt guilty too. I should have...made her go to the Dr. sooner, maybe pushed for more opinions, been more understanding when she couldn't eat, had her go the hospice sooner...the list continues. What calms me (once an awhile) is that I know how much I loved her. Tons and tons. I did the very best I could for her and I think she knew that. It may not have been perfect but I was there through all of it and I think that being aware that they knew how much you loved them makes a difference.
What has helped me is looking a pictures of the way she was. I have a framed picture of her on a shelf in my living room from a few years before she was ill. I look at it constantly and tell myself that's what she looks like where she is now. Maybe even a little younger if she had her way. ;-)

Hang in there. Give yourself time to heal. From what I can tell that kind of pain never goes away but it dulls a little. She knows you loved her and she knows that you did the very best you could.

Take care of yourself.

All the best,
ToniaK

Re: I want to know....

Dear SarahLindsay,

Every individual processes the death of their loved ones differently as well as the time it takes.  It took me forever to move on when my mom died in 2005, and I played the video we had made everyday multiple times for months until finally I decided I just couldn't do it anymore.  Because I'm dealing with advanced cc now, all these questions you have I worry about my own daughter Sarah asking.  I'm reading a book called Ninety Minutes in Heaven.  I pretty much concentrate on the Ninety Minutes in Heaven part.  It helps me.  It helps me when thinking about my mom, myself, and I hope it will help ease my daughter's pain and grief when the time comes.  Maybe it will help you, SarahLindsay

Faith in Christ,
Sophie

Re: I want to know....

Hi Sarah,

I lost my mom on July 4th, 2008 (which used to be my favorite holiday).  I do get upset seeing my friends with their moms and those mom's enjoying their grandchilden.  I lost my dad when I was 3 and at 32 lost my mom.  It is so unfair.  To know she will never see my children is the most painful part for me.  It is hard for me to see my friend's parents with their grandchilden and know I will never experience that. All of my grandparents had pasted before I was born and I didn't want that for my childen. My mom would have been the greatest grandmother and I am in tears knowing she is going to miss out.   

  I also lost my mother in law to cancer 9 month before my mother passed in Sept 07.  The past couple of years have been so hard.  I know what you are going though.  People try to confort you and think they understand but unless they really have experienced this loss they don't know.  All I know is you have to have faith.  My mom was like a saint so she must have been needed in heaven for some reason.  God picks the good ones that is for sure.  Hang in there and take care.  I'm sure your mom would want you to honor her life and not be sad. I know it's hard but I know my mom wouldn't want me to upset. She would hope that I was still moving forward and accomplishing the goals and values she worked so hard for me to help achieve.

7 (edited by LuLuu Sat, 25 Apr 2009 21:58:03)

Re: I want to know....

Sarah,  My heart breaks for you-- I ask all the time what happened to my life and whose life is this.  I don't think the pain ever goes away, we just learn how to deal with it.  I understand the feeling of envy, I'm pretty sure that's normal.
I lost my husband on December 27 from CC and then 12 days later lost my mom.  I wake up every morning and it's fresh all over again and it's not getting better, it's getting worse.
I imagine that your mom has passed on all of her wisdom to you, therefore you will know the answers to your questions.
Please don't question your grieving, just let it happen.
Stay strong
LuLu

I miss you more and more everyday. 
RFL 6/28/58-12/27/08

Re: I want to know....

Dear Sarah,
I cried as I read your post, as you could have been speaking my own thoughts. 2 years, 3 months, 4 days after my mother's death, and it still hits me like a punch in the stomach when I wake up. My mother had all the answers, like yours, and I know I am soo soooo lucky to have had her in my life, but it just isn't enough, is it? The world is so empty now.

The only advice I can give is this: talk to people who love your mother as much as you do, cry with them, just so you know you're not alone in your terrible grief. Nothing can make up for the loss of your best friend - but being around people who don't understand can make it so much worse. I have a mini-shrine on my desk with pictures of my mother and some of her personal belongings, and my husband thinks it's "unhealthy." I don't share my feelings with him because he has no clue - both his parents are alive and one day he will know what comfort a shrine or any remembrance can bring, even though it brings me pain, too. In short: do whatever you need to do to feel better, and don't let anyone tell you to move on, get over it, etc. Do it in your own time, your own way.  One day it won't hurt as much -- it'll still hurt, but it won't take your breath away and squeeze your heart like a wet dishrag.

Sorry such a long post -- I really feel for you and your pain. I hope you find a way to alleviate it somehow, even for a little while.

Cyberhugs,
Joyce M