1 (edited by Cyndi Sun, 26 Apr 2009 15:17:46)

Topic: Missing my Husband

I lost my husband to Cholangiocarcinoma 2 weeks ago.
I am so heartbroken & lost.

The cancer took him just 3 weeks after his diagnosis from doctors
that it was in his case incurable.
He'd expected to live up to another year with chemo but kept forming
blood clots despite the blood thinners he was being given.
After a pulmonary embolism he was released from the hospital only
to suffer a massive stroke 1 week later.
Doctors did everything they could to clear the clot in his brain but it was
too late. His entire right hemisphere was damaged & he never regained
conscienceness. After several days he was removed from life support.

I miss my husband so much. He was my life. We had been together nearly 30 yrs. 
We were about to retire together & buy our dream home.
These were to be the happiest years of our life together.

Where have you gone my sweet, loving soul-mate?
I want to be with you. Please don't leave me here alone.
Take me with as you've always done.
There's no other place for me than by your side.
You always said that if I wasn't here you'd have to come & find me.
I'm coming to find you. I'll find a way to you somehow..

Re: Missing my Husband

Cyndi - My heart breaks for you - I am so sorry for your loss.  There are no words I can say that seem adequate.  I lost my daddy in January to this horrible disease, but to lose your soulmate of 30 years.  Hold tight all the special memories, big and small.  I want to share a poem that has helped me so much since I lost my Daddy - I hope it brings some comfort to you.  Hugs and prayer for peace.  Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.

He is Gone
You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Re: Missing my Husband

Dear Cyndi,

Please know that you are not alone in your grief. I too know that nothing anyone can say right now is going to make it any easier.  I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, your soul mate. I can totally relate as I lost my husband & partner of over 45 years (married almost 42) almost 8 months ago under very similar circumstances.  He was in what we thought was very good health at the age of 62 and only sick for 7 weeks. Diagnoised with CC 1 week before he passed on. He also had blood clots that the blood thinners could not prevent. He was first given 6 months then 1 month & he passed on 1 week later.  So much of your story is so similar to ours that I find tears in my eyes and my heart aches for you.  This is such a hard way to lose a loved one. We too were on the verge of retirement and hoped for many happy years together, but that was not to be. Try to hold on to the knowledge that at least he is no longer suffering or in pain & is in a better place. It is us who are faced with life alone without them who must learn how to deal with the pain & loneliness & try to go on.  Remember that he is still here in your heart & memories. That is not much consulation right now, but it does help. I have a copy of the poem that Patsy posted above & read it every morning. I found this site shortly after my husband passed on & am so grateful for all the wonderful people here. They are always here for you and I have gotten much comfort & support here. You have found a safe place to come where everyone understands what you are feeling & going through.  Please come here whenever you need to even when you just need to vent all the feelings you have inside.  We are all here for you. I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers. Please keep in touch & let us know how you are doing.

With Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Missing my Husband

Dear Cyndi, I can feel your heart breaking, right through your message. One cannot read your words with a dry eye, as your loss is so intense.  I can imagine that 'lost and heartbroken' is the only place you could be, after losing your soul mate of 30 years.  I came to this site in Nov. of 08, when my Dad was diagnosed with CC, but we lost him on March 10th. My folks were married 40 yrs. and I see my Mom's pain is simular to yours. Dad's diagnosis came on the day before his retirement & Mom is very lost and heartbroken... her name is Cindy also. 

You'll be in our thoughts, come back and visit here, there are many people that will cry with you and send hugs across the miles... just as I'm doing tonight.

Tess

Re: Missing my Husband

Dearest Cyndi, please accept our deepest sympathies and prayers that go out to you and your family:

If I should be the first to go,
And leave you alone, My Dear,
Let not your heart be lonely,
Nor in your eye a tear.

Grieve not for me, my darling,
I'll not be far away,
With petals of love and tenderness,
I'll pave for you the way.

To join me in our sanctuary,
And ne'er again we'll part,
Grieve not for me, my darling,
I live within your heart.

Take joy again in living,
As you did in years gone by,
God knows of what He's doing,
And not be questioned why,

Grieve not for me, my darling,
My life with you on earth,
Each moment filled with happiness,
And love so few be worth.

I'll be waiting for you Sweetheart,
Where skys are ever blue,
With eager heart and open arms,
Patiently for you.

Grieve not for me, my darling,
May faith and my love keep
Your soul filled with contentment,
Eternally I sleep.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

6 (edited by Cyndi Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:29:49)

Re: Missing my Husband

Thanks very much for your kind replies & poems.
I'm terribly sorry that you have lost your loved ones too in this way, so sorry.

It's so difficult to face being alone & every day it just gets harder.
When I wake up,  the first thing I think is "Why am I still here?"
As I realize just how large a role my husband played in every single aspect of my life, I become unbearably frightened & curl up unto a useless ball.
I just don't know how to stand on my own two feet.
He was my sole supporter mentally & financially. I never had to think alone.
I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me & the sky has come crashing down. Nothing feels right & normalcy has gone out the window. What I am left with is all of the things he had or was building that I havent the foggiest idea what to do with or how to complete.
I feel so bad that he didnt have time enough to finish or fulfill his dreams.
He didnt even have enough time to finish drafting his will, poor baby.
I hated to see him suffer, but I sure do long to see him again.
So sad, so very very sad..

Ah well, thanks for letting me vent..
I'm glad there is a place like this for me, thanks & it helps some.

Much appreciated & again, thanks for your kind & comforting words..
Wishing you wellness & happiness,
Cyndi

Re: Missing my Husband

Dear Cyndi,
My heart goes out to you. There are many of us who are going through the grieving process for our husbands on this site, for some it is a relatively new loss, for some of us, we are a few months down the line. What we all learned is that you have to take one step at a time. Dont worry about the practical problems that must be swamping you at the moment, you will find the strength to deal with these in time. At the moment you need to surround ourself with family and friends who you can trust, and accept their help.
Please know that it does get a little better with time. You will find little kind things people do lift your heart enough to keep carrying on.
Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.
Lots of love,
Sue x

Re: Missing my Husband

Cyndi,
  I am so very sorry for your loss and your sadness. We who have lost our loved ones know how that feels, and know how difficult it is to pick up the pieces and go on. This board has some of the greatest people on earth, and they will help you through this tough time. It may not seem it now, but it will, over time, get a little better. As we say - one step at a time. We will be thinking of you and praying for you.


Joyce C.

Re: Missing my Husband

Dear Cyndi     I would like to add to what all the others have said .This board does have some special people and they will support you
                                      love from   Janet

10 (edited by Cyndi Tue, 28 Apr 2009 10:34:40)

Re: Missing my Husband

Thanks Sue, jclegg & magic,

I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone & can purge some here.
Each day brings new unexpected challenges it seems.

Startled awake this morning from a nightmare.
It started out pleasant. I was on the beach with my family & friends around me & we were building a water slide in the sun. I was having fun.
Then me & my nephew's wife Kellie went for a long walk together.
She wanted to show me a secret place to go swimming.
So we started walking down this road surrounded by steep hills on each side & I noticed the sky beginning to get dark & cloud over.
Suddenly she crossed the road & climbed up a steep hill which led to a flimsy gate hidden in the underbrush. I followed.
Once there, we realized we'd been followed by two strange men.
We started kicking loose gravel in front of them under the gate to try & make them slide back down the hill, but it didn't deter them.
They just kept standing there staring at us through the gaps in the gate.
Then she handed me a jacket & said to put it on because where we were
going it was going to be cold. I didn't want to follow anymore & I was scared
of going to this new place, but I was afraid to go back the way we'd come because I knew the two strangers were there waiting for us to come out.
Then I woke up.
For some reason, this dream absolutely terrified me.
When I sat up, the house seemed dark, empty & eerilly frightening.
I told myself "I don't want to spend another night alone in this house"

Is it normal to have frightening dreams like this?
I never have nightmares usually.

Thinking of taking my cats & going to stay with my parents a few days..

I hope you are doing okay,
Cyndi

Re: Missing my Husband

It is totally normal. I feel those 2 men were not sent to hurt you but rather to watch over you as you do go to a new place in life. I have always felt that dreams are not all bad, you just have to define them. Sylvia Brown has an excellent book on Dreams. IF you dream again of "scary" others, try to feel that they are really there to help you. I know, easier said than done. But don't be afraid of your dreams.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Missing my Husband

I, too, thought perhaps those 2 men were angels sent to watch over you.  They will probably leave when they know you are strong again.  If in doubt, the next time they appear in your dreams, instead of running away, approach them and ask "what is your message?"

Marjo

Re: Missing my Husband

Dear Cyndi,
                 I am so sorry too to hear that you have lost your soul mate. I have lost mine too and, although it is 9 months now since Anthony died, my heart remains broken. When I read your posts it takes me back to those early terrifying days when the shock and sense of loss is so painful and traumatic and I cry with you, because those feeling are still just below the surface for me.
               As the others have said the shock and trauma does ease with time, as you begin to function and remember the love you shared. I find it helps me to talk to him, I have photos of him everywhere and I always imagine he is with me. I know he will be with me always in my heart and this helps. Your husband will be with you forever in your heart too. As many people have said to me how wonderful to have loved each other so much for so many years - not many people have that.
                 I also hope that you have people around you to help you. I find it helps to talk to people who knew and loved Anthony too. I hope your dreams will calm and that you can get some rest.
                Take care
                 With love
                      Pauline

14 (edited by Cyndi Sat, 02 May 2009 22:24:41)

Re: Missing my Husband

Thank you Lainy, Marjo & Pauline for your comforting words,

And thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.
I am grateful for that, but sad that you are no stranger to the anguish I feel.
I would hope noone ever be forced to endure such heartbreak in their lives,  but I know all too well of the many who come before me & after..

I talk to my husband too & hope that he somehow hears me.
I tell him that if there is a heaven. I know that is where his soul is.
I only hope that he is receiving all the love he so generously lavished on others throughout his lifetime.  That would make me so happy.
He was truely an angel who came down from heaven & rescued me.
I guess I always knew someday he would have to return, but that
time would always seem too soon.

Thank you for being here for me..
Love,
Cyndi

Re: Missing my Husband

Hello Cyndi,

I'm deeply sorry for your loss. I know there's not much that words can do. My mom passed away about 2 weeks ago as well after a very long struggle. i was in the hospital with her for 4 months. Slept there most nights. My dad passed away suddenly too about 2 months ago.  Praying for love, comfort, guidance and strength for you.

Love truly transcends all planes.
Natasha

Mom and dad forever in my heart.  I love you always. April 14 2009 mom passed and March 1 2009 dad passed. As my mom said to me 'What ever happens, be strong.'

Re: Missing my Husband

Oh Cyndi....I am so so sorry for your loss.  Your words made me cry as I feel I would be lost without my one and only soul mate also.  Please be strong and life will make sense again soon I hope.  Love,  Hollie

Re: Missing my Husband

Thanks everyone for your heartfelt replies,

I read them over & over & they help me when I'm feeling sad & overwhelmed.
I'm still reading the poems too & each day find it a little easier to follow
their advice.

Still missing my husband terribly. Every day I gaze at his picture & tell him how very much he meant to me & still does.
I often hear him speaking to me from my heart where he lives now.
That's one place I know I can always find him.

So appreciative for all the kindness & support I've found on this site.
I'm keeping you all very close to my heart as well.

I wish you a lot of love & happiness,
Cyndi

Re: Missing my Husband

Dear Cyndi,
I am so, so sorry and can't describe the sadness I feel when I read your posts, as well as the others who have lost their loved ones.
I am so sorry and we're are with you - although a website is remote, I assure you the people on this group are very, very real with their love and support for you, and each other.
Love,
Danielle

Re: Missing my Husband

Thank you Danielle & everyone,

Thanks very much for your comfort & support.
Without it I would be truely lost.

I'm very sorry for the pain CC has caused in your lives.
It is a terrible disease but I am hopeful for a cure.
My prayers to all of you out there who are dealing with Cancer
Never give up..

With love gratitude & wishes for wellness,
Cyndi