Topic: The journey with Grief
I'm having a very hard time lately. I lost my Mom on April 3,2009. I come to the site everyday but it's hard to post most days.
I had two odd things happen recently. About three weeks after Mom died I made another trip to the cemetary before I left Greensboro to drive home. Most of the flowers on the grave had died the week before when I was there. The day was dreary and raining and it was about 7:15 in the evening when I went. I parked my car, got the umbrella and walked to her grave. The tent had been taken down and the dirt had settled down about 4 or 5 inches. As I looked at the dead flowers I was surprised to see some had opened and appeared as if they had just been placed in the arrangments. I picked them out to press in a book and then stood there and just cried and cried. I told God and Mom that I really didn't think I was ever going to be ok and that I really needed some help.
I did fine during her death and funeral and didn't shed any tears. I was so happy that she died peacefully with just my Dad, my sister and myself there. I was able to call the Hospice nurse, and help the funeral home attendants move her body to the gurney. I helped my sister and daddy pick her outfit for the burial. I was so amazed at how calm and collected I was. My Mom's funeral was a beautiful celebration with 64 people just in the choir and hundreds in the church. My Daddy sang "Some glorious Daybreak" and I was able to stand up and for 20 minutes give her eulogy without tears....just joy.
I thought I was ok til about a week after the funeral and then it started to hit me hard. As I stood at her grave that day crying, I realized how silly I was. I know my Mom is in heaven and that I will see her again some day. I finally got over my crying jag and laughed and told Mom I was ok but missed her so much. As I turned to walk back to the car the sun had peeked out and there, seeming to touch the roof of my car was the most beautiful huge rainbow. I laughed out loud and thanked God and Mom for this visual expression of their love and a promise that all would be well.
This past Tuesday I went to Greensboro to check on Dad and help with some of the paperwork. I got on the road to come home and grabbed my cellphone to let Daddy know what time I expected to be back in New Bern. I had hit a few of the stores when I left his house and wanted him to know that I had actually left later than he knew.
I was sad thinking about not being able to tell Mom that my daughter had just called to say she made honor roll this college semester and that my son had also made honor roll in law school and was now a 3rd year law student.
I punched the button on the phone and almost had a wreck when my Mom answered the phone!!!!! Apparently I hit the wrong button on the phone and her answering machine at work picked up with her voice on it still. Thank God there wasn't a car in the lane I veered into! I just went nuts when I heard her wonderful voice saying, "Hello! This is Helen Davis"
I do believe our loved ones are watching over us. Grief is proving to be longer and harder than I ever dreamed. Most people seemed to think I'm fine but I'm not. Grief I'm also finding is deeply personal and has no timetable. I'm dreading the time when my sister and I clean out Mom's closet. I'm still writing thank yous for all of the contributions that keep coming in to their church in her memory. I think I'm still ME somewhere deep inside but most of the time I'm pushing myself to function. I know I'll get through the hard part at some time but right now I'm just trying to take care of ME. I've caught up on the routinue medical tests I put off while Mom was sick and have got them all done except for my pap smear that's scheduled for June 2nd. I'm trying to be gentle with myself and not expect anymore from me than I can do right now.
Somehow we will all one day be O.K. I don't think we will ever be the same people we were before but I know we will be better, stronger and more compassionate.
So hang in there my friends......we are all still on this never ending journey together!
"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is. Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.