When I brought Dad to my home to care for him while he was receiving treatments, I would bring mom to our house as often as I could. She isn't able to take care of her house...not the big stuff...so I hired a cleaning service. And specifically one person that came recommended to me by a friend of mine. Mom had such anxiety that I told her I would be there the first time to go over things with the agency. I talked with mom prior to hiring the service and I tried to get mom to express what she wanted to have done, to hopefully empower her so she wasnt' feeling 'incapable'.
The first meeting went so-so. The agency is terrific. Many people hire them for their elderly parents as part of their service is to prepare meals, run an errand, and communicate with the children any oddities that may be observed. According to mom, the house wasn't clean enough, they miss spots and she doesn't want them cooking. OK. We can work through that. The second meeting I made myself available again, to work out the kinks. Still just soso, according to mom. The third meeting, I stayed with dad-mom didn't answer the door! I tried to explain to mom that I couldn't take care of Dad, oversee my disabled brother's care, babysit my niece, work parttime, take care of my husband and my own home, and be there to clean her house too. I told her I needed this help. I was paying for it. And she could manage it as she saw fit...again, trying to give her the power. We ended the service. I can only imagine how she would react if I suggested someone to come and assist as a caregiver...We are, in fact, dealing with this issue with the needed care of my husband's elderly parents two states away. My father in law believes (at 85) he will be able to manage my mother in law's personal cares, the feeding tube and PT, etc. My husband just returned from visiting there, and my sister in law will be arriving there to assist with care decisions. Hopefully, my in laws will be receptive to assisted living arrangements. I try to put myself in my parents/in laws shoes. Must be a frightening time of life to let go of independance...to be in such a vulnerable position. If only we could show them how much life will change for the better with a few tweeks of living changes.
I recently won a prize gift basket at our Chamber of Commerce's banquet. Among my winnings was a three hour house cleaning gift coupon. Think mom will let me use that on her house??? another gift in that basket was a bottle of wine. You may be sure I enjoyed that myself.
Good luck, Stan. You are a very considerate son, and your parents are very fortunate to have you and your brother. You've been given some great advise here, and I wish you well. As you can see, you are not alone.
Peace be with you and your family,
"Faith in something greater than ourselves enables us to do what we have said we'll do, to press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid, to keep going when the challenge seems overwhelming and the course is entirely uncertain." ~g. b. hinckley