Fear of Caregivers

Hi Stan,

Interesting that you should bring this up.  My parents are 82 and my sisters & I are dealing with this same issue.  I was brought to this site because my husband passed away from cholangiocarcinoma last year, now my  Dad has multiple health issues the most serious being chronic stage 3 kidney failure. They want to stay in their home, and my Mom is like yours. Doesn't really like all the at home care and wants to do it all herself.  She is wearing herself down & is no longer capable of taking care of everything. She too refuses to go anywhere and certainly would be there even with a caregiver.  We have looked into assisted living etc.  but they won't even discuss it.  You are not a bad son as we are not bad daughters.  We are just being realistic and looking out for their best interests.   

I don't know what the answer is, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone with this dilemma.  I too would welcome any suggestions or advice.  It is all so hard to accept.  I know I would probably feel as they do in the same situation, but hope I will be able to accept help if needed when the time comes.

Hopefully some of the good people here will have some helpful suggestions & advice for both of us.

Take Care
Darla

Steve....it is always difficult making decisions for our parents because....they are our parents.  Perhaps, you can ease in another person by starting out with a few hours at night explaining to your Mom that she can get some much needed rest. But, making the promise that she would be notified if needed.  Or, if she would like, a few hours during the day to begin with.   Most of all I believe, someone will have to earn her trust and allowing your Mom to have control in her own house.  These are just my thoughts. 
Marion

Stan,

Well, my 6 siblings and I cared for my mother but when she went on hospice my mother actually asked us to call the caregiver who helped care for my grandmother so it was someone we all knew already and were comfortable having in my mom's home. Perhaps you can see if someone you know can recommend a caregiver and your mother might feel more comfortable that way. Even though there were 6 of us, it really helped to have some hired help for those last weeks, when she started coming we were able to focus a little less on the medical care and more on our last weeks with our mother. Also, visitors were coming to see my mother but they also wanted to visit with us and make sure we were holding up and this helped in the pre-grieving process.

Patty

Stan....Just thought to share this with you, also.  It has been posted previously but can never be read often enough:

Caregvers Bill of Right

I have the right to take care of myself.  This is not an act of selfishness.  It will give me the ability to take better care of my loved one.

I have the right to seek help from others even though my loved one may object.  I know the limits of my endurance and strength.

I have the right to maintain parts of my own life that do not include the person I care for just as if he/she was healthy.  I know that I do everything that I reasonably can do for this person.  I have the right to do some things for myself.

I have the right to get angry, be depressed, and express difficult feelings once in a while.

I have the right to reject any attempt by my loved one to make me do things out of guilt or anger.  (It doesn't matter is she/he knows they are doing it or not.)

I have the right to get considerations, affection, forgiveness, and acceptance for what I do for my loved one, as I offer these in return.

I have the right to take pride in what I am doing.  And I have the right to applaud the courage it has taken to meet the needs of my loved one.

I have the right to protect my individuality.  I also have the right to a life that will sustain me when my loved one no longer needs my full-time help.

Author unknown.
National Cancer Institute
Support for caregivers

When I brought Dad to my home to care for him while he was receiving treatments,  I would bring mom to our house as often as I could.  She isn't able to take care of her house...not the big stuff...so I hired a cleaning service.  And specifically one person that came recommended to me by a friend of mine.  Mom had such anxiety that I told her I would be there the first time to go over things with the agency.  I talked with mom prior to hiring the service and I tried to get mom to express what she wanted to have done,  to hopefully empower her so she wasnt' feeling 'incapable'. 

The first meeting went so-so.  The agency is terrific.  Many people hire them for their elderly parents as part of their service is to prepare meals,  run an errand, and communicate with the children any oddities that may be observed.  According to mom, the house wasn't clean enough, they miss spots and she doesn't want them cooking.  OK.  We can work through that.  The second meeting I made myself available again, to work out the kinks.  Still just soso, according to mom.  The third meeting, I stayed with dad-mom didn't answer the door!  I tried to explain to mom that I couldn't take care of Dad, oversee my disabled brother's care, babysit my niece, work parttime, take care of my husband and my own home, and be there to clean her house too.  I told her I needed this help.  I was paying for it.  And she could manage it as she saw fit...again, trying to give her the power.  We ended the service.  I can only imagine how she would react if I suggested someone to come and assist as a caregiver...We are, in fact, dealing with this issue with the needed care of my husband's elderly parents two states away.  My father in law believes (at 85) he will be able to manage my mother in law's personal cares, the feeding tube and PT, etc.  My husband just returned from visiting there, and my sister in law will be arriving there to assist with care decisions.  Hopefully, my in laws will be receptive to assisted living arrangements.  I try to put myself in my parents/in laws shoes.  Must be a frightening time of life to let go of independance...to be in such a vulnerable position.  If only we could show them how much life will change for the better with a few tweeks of living changes.

I recently won a prize gift basket at our Chamber of Commerce's banquet.  Among my winnings was a three hour house cleaning gift coupon.  Think mom will let me use that on her house???      another gift in that basket was a bottle of wine.  You may be sure I enjoyed that myself. 

Good luck, Stan.  You are a very considerate son, and your parents are very fortunate to have you and your brother.  You've been given some great advise here, and I wish you well.  As you can see, you are not alone.

Peace be with you and your family,
Jolene

To Daddy's Girl:  How about if you hire a caregiver for your own place to take care of your Dad; and when/if he's asleep,  to clean and cook the special meals for him?  Then, you'll have more time to do your other things.  Whew, you've got a lot on your plate.  Good luck.

Marjo