Topic: Feeling Alone
I can't believe that in 3 days it will be a month since I last talked to my Mom. I really miss her today. I guess I had been so busy making her arrangements and beginning to close her life that I didn't have the time to miss her. I want to laugh with her, cry with her or just sit in silence and watch TV. I look around at the things in the house and realize that this is my house now, not hers and it makes me sad. I question what I do right now and if the decisions I am making are for the best. There is nothing like a mother's love to make you feel whole. I have been so upset lately that I feel my heart rythm going off kilter(I had heart surgery 5 years ago to correct and irregular heartbeat). It only seems to get bad when I'm really upset. I had kind of wondered why it wasn't going off then all of a sudden, wham. It seems as if the only people who know what I have gone through would be the people on this forum. My Mom went from healthy to not feeling well to sick to dying all within a matter of months. It hurts. I just turned 30 a few days ago. I shouldn't have a death certificate of my Mother I should have her. I look at the other side of the coin. I am so grateful I never had to put her in hospice nor do a death watch like most of the people here. I was spared that much, but I was cheated in sooo many ways. I was half expecting/half caught by surprise by her death. It really has called into question my belief of an afterlife. What if there is none? What if this is all there is? I just feel so tired and haven't been able to get a good night's sleep in some time. I hear all the noises in the house and it will wake me up. I don't feel like doing the basic things like cleaning and would just prefer to stay in bed. I finally get up enough energy to start cleaning and then stop halfway through. I have been on anti depressants for over a year now for a different reason. I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening