Topic: I lost my mum a year ago
Its just over a year now since I lost my mum to cc, she was 61.
I've been looking at the different stories and am sat here in tears for all of us with stories.
I know that this is a quick disease, but we got the official diagnosis 5 days before we lost mum. We knew they were looking at shadows (found only when scanning for other problems) for about 3 weeks but got no response other than 'well it looks like a very rare type so we need to be sure'. Then a week before the end the consultant told mum & dad that there was nothing that could be done but we had no idea of how long we still had, so a couple of days later dad asked and was told it could be a couple of weeks and then 5 days later she was gone.
I cannot come to terms with the speed of everything, this disease is meant to take time and give you time to prepare / say goodbye but we had 5 days.
And in those 5 days we went through the whole process of mum reacting to the morphine, stopping eating, stopping drinking, stopping communicating which are all supposed to happen over a much longer period.
Luckily we are an incredibly close family and so the minute we found out we moved into the hospital (the staff were amazing) and were with mum right until the end but I still feel as though its not finished - does that even make sense? I mean, how can a disease like this do this to someone in such a short space of time? Mum was constantly being monitored for the last few years for her liver function and nothing was detected - did they miss something or was it just as quick as they said it was? Mum's tumour was on the bile duct, inside her liver and blocking a major blood vessel.
I can only image that there are people ( and I do know people who have had parents with other types of tumour fight it for 4 or more years) thinking this makes me lucky because I didn't watch mum suffer for a long time but believe me - the fast way is unfathomably painful too.
I am undergoing counselling, which is helping me come to terms with the fact that she is gone but I don't think I will ever accept how fast it happened. I just feel glad that I did spend hours and hours (and hours and hours!) talking to her throughout those final days, it just seemed to be my role through the experience. I told her all the things I wanted to tell her, promised her I'd do things that are now starting to happen and I was the one talking to her at the end when the look in her eye changed. At that point I woke dad who held her while we held her hands as she slipped away.
I'll always wonder whether when I that look came into her eye and I said 'we're all here, it's ok - you need to do whats best for you now' and she started to let go whether she thought I wanted her to go and whether I robbed everyone of those extra 5 minutes we all wish so much we could have again, and I think that's just something I'll have to live with and torture myself with.
I miss her so incredibly that I can't even put it into words, I guess I've just not got the point of acceptance yet but fail to see how that is going to make it any easier.
Wow, I really didn't expect to write all that and have just considered deleting it now that I've got it off my chest but will be brave and post it.
Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this far, the invisible support of this forum is already helping.