Topic: Wedding frustration

Ok, so here is an unusual conundrum that I need some perspective on from people who understand how dealing with a beloved relative with terminal CC can send you a little haywire.

My father was diagnosed with CC last year, he had a successful op but unfortunately we have just found out three weeks ago that his cancer is terminal.  I know that one of the many things my Dad wants to do before he leaves us is give me away at my wedding, and it's something that's really important to me as well. I have been with my partner for almost 6 years now, and although we are both relatively young (25 and 26), we have a loving and committed relationship. His job moves around a lot and I have moved with him, far from my family and my friendship group (this was pre-diagnosis, not sure that I would have felt able to move had we known what was coming.) Soon we will be moving again and I have agreed to stick with it wherever we end up, although he has little control over where this will be, we have decided that we will try to end up as close to my parents as possible.  He has a lot of friends and family there too, so - so far, so good.

I want us to tie the knot while my Dad is still around - marriage is something that we have both talked about, and while we both think we have found 'the one', we were going to wait until our lives were more settled before arranging a wedding, etc, etc.  I have always felt loved and supported by my partner, and we often talk about having children, and growing old together.

My other half made encouraging noises at first, reassuring me that he thought bringing the wedding forward was a good idea, and that he knew how important it was to me and to Dad, whom he loves.  Now that the worst has happened and I brought it up again, keen to set a date, he has backed down, and insists that he is too young, and not ready to get married.

I love my partner, but I am very frustrated and angry with him.  I feel as though this is the one thing that he could do to make this horrible time better for me and that he is being a coward.  Sometimes I even feel that he is being selfish by refusing to alter his life plans to take into account the giant changes that have been part of mine, both for him, pre-cancer, and for Dad, now that I will have to cope with the loss of a parent I adore and embark on the scary responsibility of supporting my mother.  I also feel furious that at this time, the darkest and scariest point so far, he feels unable to show me publicly that he will always be there for me 'for better, for worse'.  That's really what I want to hear from him right now, and it would mean the absolute world to my Dad, and help him to pass in peace.  I also feel angry and betrayed that he told me he wanted to and has changed his mind, even though I know that is a childish thing to think.

Even writing this I know I sound like a terrible human being - I accept that my partner may also be feeling freaked out by the future and saddened by the oncoming loss of my Dad, and I know that pressurising him is not a sensible option, or a kind one. In my head, I think horrible things along the lines of 'if you loved me, you would do this one thing for me' - things I would never say, but that hurt even to think.

Can anyone help me understand if these powerful feelings of frustration and anger towards my boyfriend are rational or not, and how to stop CC anxiety and anger creeping into other relationships?  The last thing I want is for this lovely, supportive relationship to be another cancer loss, but I don't seem to be able to put a cap on my feelings of frustration.  I worry most of all that even if we do marry later on, I will always feel resentful to my man for his indecision costing me having my Dad there on the big day. Perhaps it would be more sensible to worry about not having a groom if I keep picking at this argument??? sad

Re: Wedding frustration

Claude,

I am sorry to hear about your Dad and the situation that you find yourself in.  Perhaps the best thing to do is to take a step back from the emotions of all of this and just make the most of the time that you have with your Dad and also continue building up that relationship with your partner.  I am a strong advocate for marriage, but it isn't something that I believe you should pressure someone into doing or something that should be done because of a circumstance.  It should be done because both parties want to and are ready to make that commitment.

I'm sorry that this isn't probably what you wanted to hear but this was an opinions post and I have some of those.  But I definately can offer you my sympathies regarding your Dad and your situation.  It has to be very difficult to consider loosing a parent at a young age and I am sure that you want to do everything you can to help your Dad be comfortable, enjoy his time left, and to give his blessing on your marriage.  Perhaps you could ask your Dad at some point if he could offer his blessing on your marriage which would let you both open up the subject and air your feelings with each other. 

I think about the loss of a loved one from a different perspective as I am the one who has the cancer and I have a 10 month old son and 3 year old daughter.  It breaks my heart that I will probably not be around when they need me the most and as much as I would love to walk my own daughter down the aisle, I want the timing to be the best for HER and not for me (although 3 or 4 would be TOO young even if I wanted to pressure her, haha). 

It has probably been a rough 3 weeks for all of you.  Hang in there.  As you have more time to process all of this, maybe you will be able to have better conversations with your partner and your family about your life plans, etc.

I will pray for all of you.

Rick

Ulcerative Colitis 1990, Stage 0 colon cancer and subsequent colectomy with J-pouch in 7/2005, PSC 7/2005, Klatsin CCA 8/2009

Re: Wedding frustration

Rick.Kamp wrote:

Claude,

  I am a strong advocate for marriage, but it isn't something that I believe you should pressure someone into doing or something that should be done because of a circumstance.  It should be done because both parties want to and are ready to make that commitment.

Rick

Perfectly put Rick, thank you.  You are a wonderful man and I know that your children will know they have the best father in the world.

Re: Wedding frustration

Claude1,

You are not a "terrible human being".  The feelings you are having are very normal - at least for a lot of women.

Sometimes it's best not to act on your feelings. They can be quite fickle.

Wish I could really give you some advice.  Hoping for the best for all of you.

Re: Wedding frustration

Hey everyone,

Thanks for your thoughtful posts, all of you.  Following on from writing this in a rage, my partner came back from work, sat me down, gave me a big hug and said that he understands that I am anxious and sad, and that he will have a good think about getting married.  He also promised me that whenever the big event is, he will always be there for me and help me face whatever comes next with Dad, my mother, grieving and all the rest.  So Rick, your advice is exactly what I wanted to hear! I am fortunate to be supported in this way and will have to learn to let things trundle on as normal, rather than letting the intensity of all my other CC related feelings creep into other areas of life. 

Anyway, I know that we all have far more serious and sad issues to be thinking and posting on, so thanks for taking time out to respond x

Re: Wedding frustration

Claude1....This cancer touches our life

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER