Grieving in advance?

claude1 - all I can say is I am SO with you.  We're in almost the same situation with my Mom, except that it looks like she has less time than your Dad.  Her recurrence was diagnosed in late June, and after 1 round of gemzar it wasn't doing a thing.  She's on home hospice now at my sister's house, where I spend as much time as I can, including one or two overnights a week to give my sister a break.  My Dad, who has vascular dementia, has also moved in with my sister.

I have so many of the same feelings as you do.  Some days I'm actually ok, other days I'm not sure I can function as a normal person.  My heart literally hurts when I think about the future.  Someone recently posted that after their loss, they defined time with "before Mom died" and "after Mom died."  I am already thinking like that, as well as "before Mom got sick."

I find that I will have a rough day, and once the hubby and children are in bed I have a super-long cry, sobbing on the couch.  Then I feel some relief, go to bed, and am usually good without another pity party for another week or so.  Most nights are tough though, that's when my brain goes into high gear.

Like Pam said, we're really trying to make memories now.  With all the visitors she gets, I just sit in the next room and listen - so many of them talk about the old times, and I've heard lots of stories that are new to me.  And Mom seems to realize the importance of stories - she's retold the story of how she and my Dad met almost 50 years ago, stuff like that.  We also talk about and listen to music, old favorites and songs that make us remember a certain trip or time period or funny story.

Do you like to write?  This may sound wrong to some, but I've been working on Mom's eulogy for quite awhile.  My Mom's already requested that each of her three children speak at her funeral.  I wanted to do her proud, make it good, and really say all I think she'd want to be said.  I started with just a list of memories, adding to it as something popped into my head.  It's been hard, but I also find it extremely cathartic.  But that's just me, writing is an outlet for me.  I reread it often, usually adding to it, and smile at so many of the memories.  I mentioned it to my Mom and she asked to read it.  I'm sure she'll edit it with her red pen!

"Anticipatory grief" - I had no idea it had a name.  Though I'm sad to hear it doesn't really prepare us for the actual grief that is to come.  Hard to imagine feeling worse sometimes.

In addition to the great response of Pam, I would like to mention our fantastic Dr. Giles, a licensed psychologist, who always is there for any of us.  You might want to send him a note.  You can find him under "patient support", scroll down to "Dr. Giles".  Often I catch myself reading his responses and always I come away feeling a bit more enlightened then before. 
Best wishes,
Marion

Claude , You are not alone, as I write this my wife who is 49 and has had cc for over 5 yrs [ i can;t believe it as i write it ]  is now today starting her 8 th yes 8th course of some type of chemo.   history too long and complicated for post  however tumors [13 of them ] have all grown aggressively in past 2 months. I have also rode the roller coaster of emotion like many others and some days can not believe she is still w / me and other days fear raising our 14 yr daughter alone .   Some may say  and I know I am fortunate to still have her w / me , but watching your beautiful wife suffer day in and day out can be very draining and confusing on some days. The drs have no data to treat and at this point are just throwing whatever chemo they think  might slow it .    I pray for you and your father because at some point that is all you can do  ,  my wife is in GOD 'S hand and believe me I am not a very religious person but I do know what it is to be powerless.    GOD Bless

Dear Claude,
               I am very sorry to hear about your father's prognosis. Of course, with cc it is very hard to predict how long your father may have with you. He may do a lot better than the doctors think and there may be other treatments he can benefit from.
               There is so much time for sadness later. In my view this is the time to be positive and to reflect on how much your father means to you, to think of all the things you want to say to him and to plan how you can make the time he has left as happy and as meaningful as possible. I realise you are in shock at the moment but in a little time, hopefully, you can avoid thinking of the future and live in the present, creating beautiful memories that will help to sustain you all in the difficult times that may lie ahead.
              With very best wishes,
                    Pauline

my mother age 65, was just given < 1 year to live,

i find my self hysterical and crying most of the time, especially when i take showers, or after i talk to her on the phone, thinking about not being able to call, i am very bad when i drive home from work, and evenings just kill me...i am turning 40 in october, and just cancelled my party, i just do not feel like celebrating, everyone looking at me all happy, and i would just be crying....i cannot cope.....i start yelling at my family for no reason, and all i want to do is sleep. any good books to read please pass them along to help me get through this journey, and enjoy the time i have left. mom lives in ny and i live in maryland will just adds to my guilt....

slittle1127, your comments and comments of posted prior to yours, really struck a cord with me, for I related so well to what you have expressed.  My husband was diagnose in Jan 2007 and passed away in Aug 2007 (on his 64th birthday).  I had many people tell me how well they thought I handled my husband's death.  What they didn't understand was that I had been grieving since his diagnosis.  We were initially told that they thought he had pancreatic cancer and my heart sank.  I held out hope that maybe they wer wrong, but when all the tests were completed and we were told that he had CC and that it had spread to his lymph nodes, stomach, and lungs, it was devastating.  He had never been sick, was an avid runner, did all the things they tell you to do to prevent cancer.  He was really blind-sided by this.  He tried to fight it with chemo to no avail.  It just gradually took it's toll.  Iwatched him go through bouts of pain, getting very confused, and weak.  When he did pass, I felt so guilty because of the relief I felt at not having to watch him die by inches any more.  Not a day goes by that I don;t miss him, but I find comfort in knowing that he is in a better place and that he is not suffering anymore.  It is a test of your faith, but Hang on tight and it will carry you through.  I truly pray that you will find peace and comfort through your faith.