Topic: Grieving in advance?
Looking for advice again from people who understand. We found out about 8 weeks ago that Dad's CC is terminal - despite a successful op, it has gone into his glands and he's been told that a palliative course of chemo is all that they can do now.
Noone knows how long Dad will have - the Doc says 1-2 years maybe, but definitely not 5. I know from the posts on here that this is a relatively long time, and I am so grateful that there is at least a chance, if not a definite one, that we will have a few more years with Dad. I do recognise that this is a blessing, but then at other times I just think FFS, why is this happening at all? There are moments when it still feels dreamlike. Just the other day I woke in the night and truly believed that it was all a dream, and that I had slipped back into my old life, the pre-cc one where everything was great. When I woke properly and remembered that it wasn't, I felt so pathetically desolate.
I feel like I am going through the grieving process already. I feel such an unbearable amount of sadness and sometimes anger that Dad is leaving us so early. As the weeks pass, I feel as though I have come to some acceptance of the inevitable, but the sadness lurks everyday, always within view. Some days I feel alright, others I can feel tearful and hopeless for days at a stretch. Everything is affected and changed. Sometimes this grief just seems like an impossible task, and I feel as though it will never end, and only worsen after Dad passes on. On better days I try to imagine happy times in the future with the rest of my beloved family, which helps a little. But I am afraid of how sad I feel already, as well as being deeply afraid of the future and of looking after my mother and sister. I don't want to let them down. What if I can't cope? What if they can't cope and I don't know what to do? I'm scared.
Is it possible to begin the grieving process now? Does anyone think that this period can help us to prepare for the death of a loved one, and if so, can anyone share any advice on how to make it through? I'm not sure that I can bear to feel this way for years and years - surely there must be a way to make peace with this, even in some small way, so that I can get on with enjoying the time we have left.