• From: Cincinnati, Ohio
  • Registered: Tue, 11 Aug 2009
  • Posts: 48

Topic: Counceling

My daughter and I went to our first session of Grief counceling and hated it. I thought that since it is a group session that the first week they would take it easy on us and that we would get to know the other people a little better before we let it all out, but that wasn't the case. I was looking at the counselor thinking that there is no way that I am going to be able to talk about this yet. I waited until the end to share and managed to get through my little story when another person in the group said that "at least I got to say goodbe". She was compareing myself to her because her husband died suddenly. I literally wanted to throw my chair at her. You can't compare your grief to another persons. I may have got to say goodbye but I also saw him suffer. Sorry just venting.

  • From: Wisconsin
  • Registered: Sun, 07 Sep 2008
  • Posts: 1,990

Re: Counceling

Dear Beth,

Vent all you want, you have that right.  I know exactly how you felt.  What she said was very unfeeling and insensitive.  I actually have had people compare my husbands death to divorce and say that divorce is worse.  I don't think so!  I truely believe that losing a loved one to this disease and watching what it does to them both physically and mentally is about the most traumatic thing anyone can go through.  I have been told that as hard as it is on the person who is dying, it is even harder for those who love and care for them.

As you said, everyone's situation is different and you can not compare one person's grief to another's.

Hopefully you will be able to find someone more compassionate and understanding to help you and your daugther through your grief. Take care Beth and come back and vent whenever you want or need to. 

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"
  • Registered: Fri, 12 May 2006
  • Posts: 8,157

Re: Counceling

Beth....I agree with Darla.  Often time

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  • From: South Louisiana
  • Registered: Mon, 17 May 2010
  • Posts: 94

Re: Counceling

I also had someone to compare their divorce to my husband's death.  It still makes me so mad I can't see straight.  When I read this on your post tears just flowed for the pain it causes me. 

Last week was a bad week, I went to the doctor she was ready to admit me to the mental ward, the therapist agreed but I talked them out of it.  By the end of the week, I had been fussed at about things I couldn't remember.
So tomorrow is our 36th wedding anniversary, I'm taking off work, I don't really have any plans, I'm going to see if my daughter would like to do something together, if not I'll stay at home, can't get into much touble there.

The old song said "Love is a many splendid things,"  but is the word for love that is there, but you can no longer see it, or feel it.  I guess it would be faith.  I've always had faith but I didn't think I would have to have it alone.

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate

5 Reply by Darla (edited by Darla Mon, 27 Sep 2010 13:11:41)

  • From: Wisconsin
  • Registered: Sun, 07 Sep 2008
  • Posts: 1,990

Re: Counceling

Hi Terry,

I say that about so many things.  We always felt that we could manage anything, together.  Never expected to have to manage it all alone and some days I really don't feel strong enough.  I agree that I don't think you need to be admitted for mental problems.  I think that what we are feeling and dealing with is normal for our situation and what we have all been through.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping that what every you decide to do you will be OK.  I was told that nothing will ever be the same again, but life will go on.  We will be OK,  and we don't have to get over it!  We just have to learn how to accept the life we have now been given.  Some days I get it and others all I can do is say HOW?????

Take care Terry.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"
  • From: South Louisiana
  • Registered: Mon, 17 May 2010
  • Posts: 94

Re: Counceling

Darla,

I am still going to therapy once a week, if it wasn't for that I know I would be crazy.  It has been 9 months since Wayne went to see Jesus, and then last week my mother joined him.  Two major losses in my life it 9 months.  I thought I was getting better then now I feel like I've taken a huge step backwards. 

When I go to therapy I can talk to her, I know I've let her into my defensive box that I've had around me for years.  I thought I always had to be the one that had to fix things, make them all better, but I can't fix these things.  I went to a after hours doctor the other day, I couldn't even talk to them I couldn't think, I know I must have sounded totally crazy.  But when I have to go into new situations, I can't handle it. 

My husband had been sick off and on for 30 years, for the last 22 I was caregiver.  I know what you mean about the doctors, they don't tell you anything.  They didn't tell me it was stage 4 until one week before he passed.  Then he gave him six months, two days later three months, then another doctor came in and said we needed to move to hospice, he went to see Jesus 27 hours later.

I saw that doctor in the ER with my Mom, my daughter had to make me go the other way, I don't know exactly what I would have said face to face, but I don't think it would have to nice.

Now Christmas, I might just sleep through it.

Terry

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate
  • Registered: Sun, 01 Aug 2010
  • Posts: 493

Re: Counceling

Oh Terry - My heart goes out to you. Grief is so hard. You spent so many years caregiving that you not only lost loved ones, you lost the job you had known, too. May peace and blessings be with you as you work through this journey. There will be special rewards for you in Heaven. I know it! Blessings, Susan

8 Reply by Cherbourg (edited by Cherbourg Fri, 03 Dec 2010 07:56:41)

  • From: New Bern, North Carolina
  • Registered: Tue, 30 Sep 2008
  • Posts: 682

Re: Counceling

Beth,

I know the feeling of wanting to smash someone with a chair.  I actually had my friend tell me about a month after Mom died that I really needed to get over her death since all of the grieving in the world wouldn't bring her back!  As if I hadn't already thought that one through!  Duh!

People who haven't gone through this can be sooo insensitive!

I'm still grieving and working through the process.  I've learned a lot and over time,  it does become easier to accept my new "normal".  I would give anything to have just one more hour with my Mom!  I'm at the stage where I mostly remember the good things and some of the bad days are growing less memorable.  I still hear things from people that make me cringe.  I credit my southern upbringing and fear of prison for helping me more or less present a "normal" face to the public most of the time.  (*grin*)

Grieving is a process with no timetable and it's intensely personal.  No one will ever grieve in the same way as you.  You have to work through the process in your own time and way.  We are all here for each other and at times that has made so much difference in my life.  I know there are people here who understand and will and can support me.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.  Sending hugs!

Pam

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.