Topic: This sucks

It was three weeks ago yesterday that my mother died.  Life is "back to normal."  Hah, right.  There is no "normal" anymore.  But I still need to act ike I'm a normal person.  I get the kids up in the morning, make lunches, get them on the bus, make sure they're where they need to be for all their after-school activities.  I still need to work (part time, from home).  I need to grocery shop, walk the dog, cook meals.  I need to be a wife, a sister, a daughter helping my father through his progressing dementia. 

Then there's the stuff that must be ironed out after a person dies - credit cards, bank accounts, health insurance.  My sister and I helped Dad decide on a headstone and the wording/layout.  We need to get POA for my Dad and update his will to account for the long-term care he will need.

Most people seem to be back to normal.  Even my husband, who is amazing and has been so supportive and helpful the entire time of my mother's illness and the time after she died.  My friends, co-workers.  And why wouldn't they be back to normal?  They didn't just lose their mother.

I thank God every day for my sister.  She and I were Mom's caregivers when she went onto home hospice at my sister's house for 6 weeks.  She is dealing with all the same stuff that I am.  And even she and I are starting to get impatient with each other.  I also thank God for my 9 year old son.  He is soooo in tune with my feelings.  He'll get home from school, put his hand on my cheek and ask, "Mom, did you have an ok day today?"  Or if I'm having a tough day, he'll just out-of-the-blue hug me - a good, tight, long hug, without words.  At bedtime, again the sweet hand on my cheek, "Mommy, are you missing Grammy tonight?"  I love him more than words can capture.

But yes, I do grieve.  I cry, I have moments of sadness or anger or frustration.  I talk to Mom a lot.  I feel like I'm dealing with this as most people would.  But it still sucks right now.

This is just one of those sad and depressing rants.  I am sorry.  But I so desperately want life TO BE NORMAL AGAIN.  Back the way it was before May 20, 2009.  I miss my mother.  I want to talk to her.  I find myself for a split second reaching for the phone to call her, or when Dad calls and I see their number on caller ID I think it's her.  I think how much she would've enjoyed the really warm Indian Summer day we had last week.  How we'd already be planning the Thanksgiving meal, which is always a co-celebration of my sister's birthday.

I'm heading out this morning to visit her grave and place a beautiful potted mum there for her.  She loved mums in the fall.

~Kim
my mother lost her 16 month battle with CC 9/26/10
"Mothers have as powerful an influence over the welfare of future generations as all other earthly causes combined."

Re: This sucks

Hi Kimmie,
I can really understand how much you miss your Mom.  My Mom died about 3 years ago, right before my diagnosis of cc.  There have been so many times I have wished for my Mom to be here to comfort and hold me.  She would have spoiled me rotten with attention. smile  There isn't a day goes by that I don't think of her or hear her voice in my head.   It is amazing how life continues on when you are feeling so devastated.  Time does heal and the emptiness you are feeling will be filled again.  I love your quote at the bottom of your post.  Who said that?

Hugs,
Betsy   

Betsy

Re: This sucks

Hi Kimmie,

I just wanted to offer my support to you. I know exactly how you are feeling. My Dad died June 2009, 7 weeks after his cc was diagnosed. I understand the pain, shock, anger and sheer hurt within your heart...

Part of you wants to get back to a 'new' normal life but then part of you wants to stay in the recent time when it was only 'last month' that your dear Mum was still with you.

It feels wrong that the rest of the world is getting on with their lives when you are grieving.

I know it is a cliche but time does help, it doesnt ever lessen the hurt but the shock and raw pain you feel right now will fade and your Mum's memory lives on forever in your heart....

Take strength from sharing your memories with your sister. It is still such early days for you all plus you have the added uncertainty surrounding your Dad.

Sending hugs your way,

Katie

Re: This sucks

Kimmie,
I am sorry you are in so much pain. But you are doing wonderful considering everything that is on your plate. You are grieving and have the right to want a different and normal life. Cancer is a beast to both patients and caregivers. You are still trying to process through the practical things and yet you still need time for the emotional healing to begin. Dont be too hard on yourself.

We are here for you.

Kris

Cancer is a word, not a sentence.

36 year old patient with buckets of hope

Re: This sucks

Kimmie,

I lost my Mom to this disease on April 3, 2009 and I still miss her every day.  I would always call her everyday on my way home from work.   It's a little easier but there is such a void in my life.  She was my greatest cheerleader and supporter and I still can't quite wrap my head around the fact that she's gone.  I've found myself bursting into tears after passing someone in Walmart wearing her perfume. 

All I can offer is give yourself time.  Grieving is the hardest job we will ever do.  There is NO rulebook, NO timetable, NO shortcuts.....you just have to work your way through it at your own pace.  Be kind to yourself and realize that anyone who hasn't gone through this may unintentionally be unkind and as one of my ??best friends?? said....get over it....grieving won't bring her back....  Only my fear of prison kept me from from making a grave decision. 

Come here often and feel free to vent.  We know the pain and we can help each other.

I'm sending hugs, prayers for strength and lots of understanding love your way.

Hugs,
Pam

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.

Re: This sucks

Hello All,

My dad has been diagnosed with CC since March 2010. He lives in Tehran, Iran, I'm in Los Angeles California, though. As you can imagine it has been so difficult for me to handle the situation. Luckily my mom and my younger brother have done a great job in taking care of him. I managed to visit back home twice since May, but unfortunately it is not very convenient to take days off from work again at the moment.
I have a feeling that he might not be able to fight for any longer. his kidney just started to not function properly and I am not sure for how many more days he can move on....VERY TOUGH TIMES!!!!!

Regards,
-Ali
P.S. Thanks for creating this forum.

Re: This sucks

Hello Ali and welcome to our family. We are very sorry to hear about your father and hope he is not in pain. I am sure that adding so many miles to the situation does make it so much worse. Do you or your dad have a computer? If so perhaps you can skype each other and talk "in person". Do you know what the doctors prognosis is and how they want to proceed? We are so glad you joined us but wish you didn't have to. You might want to re-post your note under INTRODUTIONS where I think it will be seen by more people. Please tell us what you can about your father's CC and we are wishing him well.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: This sucks

So before falling asleep last night, I was begging Mom to come to me in my dreams.  And she sort of did, but the funny thing is the dream was more about reassuring Dad.

We were at my sister's house for a holiday.  There were a bunch of women in the kitchen, including Mom, cooking and doing dishes.  She looked pretty much exactly like she did in the beautiful portrait we had at the funeral home next to her closed casket, except she was wearing a red turtle neck and black vest.  We had a bar set up in the family room (which overlooks the kitchen), where people were lined up placing food orders, including my Dad.  He was very childlike in his demeanor, and I was telling him, "See Dad, see Mom over there?"  And she smiled at him and kept drying dishes.  Then I told him, "Mom is fine.  See?  She's keeping an eye on you, don't worry."

That was it.  I don't want to read too much into it.  Certainly I could've WILLED myself to have that dream, or my subconscious mind, so desperate for a visit from her, caused the dream.  But whatever, it was still a nice dream.

~Kim
my mother lost her 16 month battle with CC 9/26/10
"Mothers have as powerful an influence over the welfare of future generations as all other earthly causes combined."

Re: This sucks

Kimmie, I like that dream. Kind of a peaceful dream and whether very real or subconscious it was a nice way to dream! I wonder if it was also telling you as well that everything is going to be fine.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: This sucks

I think it's a wonderful dream and you should read into it as much as you want!  I hope it brought you a bit of peace... and I hope for many more lovely dreams in the future!

Jen

Re: This sucks

Hi Kimmie

I have been meaning  to post earlier but .....I empathise with everything you are going through.  My dad passed on 4th of October, and for me it just does not seem real.  I cannot believe that he is not lying in the bed in my mom's room, and i know that he was very sick and it was not fair on him to stay but i can't seem to get to grips with needing to feel him, see him, touch him, hold him.

I am also 40 with 2 boys aged 3 and 7,  I have also been willing dad to come to me in my dreams and nothing has happened!  My boys on the other hand have had lovely dreams of pa, my dad playing with them, not looking sick and full of life.  In the week before he died I made him promise that he would come back to me to tell me that he is ok, and that is what i  want - just want this confirmation that he is ok? 

This whole "normal" life thing also gets me, i want to shout at everyone - DO YOU KNOW THAT MY FATHER DIED! so , sorry i can't come to book club, i really don't want to be at school, i just want to be!!!

Sorry, your rant became my rant and rave!!! I just know how you are feeling because i feel the same way.

Lots of love

Michelle

"My dad, Tony, passed away on 4 October 2010, after a 19 month battle with CC"   - I carry you in my heart, Dad, forever.

Re: This sucks

Michelle - similar lives, huh?  My kids are 9 and 11, my sister's are 4 and 7. 

How wonderful that your kids had dreams already.  Look at it this way - children aren't bogged down with all the stresses that we are.  Your boys' minds were free and open to accept a visit from your Dad in their dreams.  I think that's wonderful.

I feel like sometimes I make myself forget, so I can operate on autopilot and function.  But I'll be walking through the grocery and wonder, "Can people see it?  Can they tell the pain I have inside when they walk past me?"

Hang in there.  Let's stay in touch with each other!

Hugs,
Kim

~Kim
my mother lost her 16 month battle with CC 9/26/10
"Mothers have as powerful an influence over the welfare of future generations as all other earthly causes combined."

Re: This sucks

My beloved Wayne went to Heaven on Feb. 17, 2010 from cc.  It has been a very difficult year, then my Mom went to Heaven on Nov. 21, 2010.  People  think I should be over it.  This has been a devastating year, I  was his care-giver for the last 22 years, he got hurt at work in 1988.  It my become easier with time, but I will never be over it.  I'm still going to counseling every week, thank God.

Terry

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate