Topic: Oh my god the pain is so deep!
It's the first long weekend without my best friend and it will be 2 months since his passing tomorrow. I woke up this morning crying and it is 9PM and I just can't stop.
I finally realize Frank is not on a business trip or visiting his Mom in England, he is gone and never coming home. Oh my God the pain is so bad, it is so deep it feels like my insides are just ripping away.I try to rationlize why after 2 months it has hit me so hard, I know that I've been waiting for him to come home.
It's my first long weekend and we would have gone somewhere to spend some time together. We were raising our Granddaughter and spent alot of time catering to her. She is a competitive dancer and we took off many weekends for competitions and Frank stayed at home. We agreed that once she was in university we would start to travel and enjoy our lives together. It did not work out that way. She will be in university in 3 years.
I miss him so so so much. I am going back to work on Tuesday and Frank would normally call me at least 3 times a day and when I was having a bad day I would call him and he would always be available for me. When he knew I was upset he would show up at my office with coffee and donuts. He was a great man!!!!!!!!!!!
What I miss the most are his hands. My husband had the nicest hands. They were strong masculine hands. You see the ads with the older couple holding hands walking down the street that was my husband- my best friend. His holding my hand was like a security blanket. I always felt safe holding his hand. I miss that so much.
I guess I'm just rambling but I don't know where else to go to express my pain. We deserved so much more time. He conquered drug and alcohol addiction 15 years ago. He went from being a terrible husband to being the most wonderful man. He conquered so much but the dreaded CANCER conquered us.
28 years and now I have nothing. Will this pain go away? I have a deep hole inside of me that cannot be filled by family or friends. You have to love your spouse deeply and then loose them to fully understand my PAIN.
I'm sorry for going on but thank you for being here to vent.