Topic: Picture of Wayne

This weekend as was looking through pictures, I found one of him when he was about 26.  I thought WOW how good looking he was.  I decided to take it to work and kind of show him off.  It has been eight months since Wayne went to see Jesus, I am still going through deep depression, so I was so proud of my picture, the picture didn't seem to get  the reaction I thought it would get.  I do believe that people think that it's been eight months why aren't you over it.  We had been married 35 + 1 years you don't get over it.  It is mostly from my boss, she told me once I know you have been having a hard time but, I said but you go home to your husband, your children, your parents, and you can say but.  I am still in counseling and tomorrrow I see my doctor thank goodness.  I don't feel like I have any friends here at work.

I am ready to see Wayne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate

Re: Picture of Wayne

Terry....please take all the time you need to grieve over Wayne.  You are correct when you say that 'people just don't get it'.  If that particular person has never lost a loved one, such as a spouse, they certainly could not know how you feel.  Good for you, telling your boss that!  Perhaps it's just want she or he neede to hear.  No one can know what YOU are feeling unless they are walking in your shoes.

I'm certainly glad that you are seeing your doctor.  Perhaps you could ask for some anti-depressant medication to help you with your grief over Wayne.  And you may want to increase your counseling sessions as well, or join a support group for people who have lost a loved one.

Please come back to visit this site often and if you feel the need to rant and rave, then do so, that is why we are here.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers Terry.

Go with God,

Re: Picture of Wayne

Oh Terry,

I along with many others here do understand.  Jim has been gone over two years and there is not a day I don't think of him and grieve my loss.  We were married over 41 years and yes, it is hard.

Someone sent this to me and it has been of some comfort:

How long will the pain last?
All the rest of your life. 
But the thing to remember is that not only the pain will last, but the blessed
memories as well.  Tears are the proof of life.  The more love, the more tears. 
If this be true, then how could we ever ask that the pain cease altogether.  For then the memory of love would go with it.  The pain of grief is the price we pay for love.

Some how we learn how to go on, but I don't think we ever truely get over it.  Unless it has happened to them, no one can really understand what it is like and what we are going through. 

I agree with Margaret, it is good that you are seeking counseling as you do need to talk it out.  Most people don't want to listen any more.  I am fortunate that I have a very good friend who is in almost the same situation as I am.  Her husband passed away 3 months after Jim.  We talk a lot, we cry a lot and we support each other as best we can.

I really do feel that the stronger the love, the harder we grieve.  We will all make it through this, we will all be OK, but our lives will never be the same again and we don't have to get over it.

Please keep coming back here.  You do have friends that will listen, understand & care.  All of us on the CC site.  smile

Take care Terry.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love & Hugs,

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

4 (edited by Cyndi Mon, 25 Oct 2010 17:19:08)

Re: Picture of Wayne

I experience the same responses from people.
They can't imagine how the loss of a spouse affects every aspect of our daily lives, nor do they want to. It scares them quite honestly.

Everyone seems to suggest "he's gone, get over him, forget & move on".
But you never really get over a loss like this, you just learn to incorporate it into your life.  & grieving is the only road to acceptance I know.

I got so exhausted walking on eggshells around people uncomfortable being around me. Avoiding me & the elephant in the room.
I finally explained that forgetting is not an option for me, nor would I chose to if it were.
& if they think mentioning his name will make me go to pieces, then they're wrong because the fact is he is always in my thoughts anyway.
He is part of my history & part of me. I can't pretend the past 30 years never happened nor do I want to.

Watching everyone act like he never existed is far more painful to me.
It means I have to pretend to be unaffected by this. Be strong all the time.
Postpone my grieving & deal with it all alone in isolation.
My rock is not here to lean on so where can I turn for support if not my friends & family who knew him?

I want to say: Honor his life by acknowledging he was a part of yours.
& If you want to see me smile (& I know they do but don't know how), that is the way.

Everyone wants us to hurry up & get over it & just be happy again.
It's not because they don't care, it's because they do. They just don't understand how tall an order that is.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Hang in there, Cyndi

Re: Picture of Wayne

Hang in there.  True friends don't judge...they support you.  There is no special "time" allotted for grief.  It can be a very vulnerable time.  Go to the therapist and keeping up the good work.

Re: Picture of Wayne

Dear Terry - Your grief is yours. Others may be uncomfortable because they just don't know. You have been robbed of a part of yourself and you will need lots of time to adjust to your new, unwanted status. Be patient with yourself. Sometimes I write letters to those who have gone before me, just as therapy for myself and it does make me feel better. Don't worry about what others think about your grief. It is your time. Blessings, Susan

Re: Picture of Wayne

Dear Terry, I hope your doctor was truly helpful.  People never seem to respond to others' grief the way I expect them to - I think they're frightened.  Maybe they think it's catching?  I don't know - I just know that everyone deals with their own grief in their own way & you take ALL the time you need to grieve your way.

Please keep coming back & talking to us.  We DO understand.

Love Julia x

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Re: Picture of Wayne

This is Terry again, yesterday I went shopping to get some things for around the house and food.  I ended up with cold drinks and crackers to eat, then I forgot them at home today.  When I got home last night the light in the living room was out, I put one bulb in, as I was taking out the other bulb it broke off into my hand, that was all it took to set me off. I really tried to get the broken part out but I couldn't.  I know that he probably could not have either but it didn't matter, I sat down started with crying and I ended up screaming and crying.  It's just not fair, somethings he could not do because of his numerous disabilities, but his ability of telling me how to fix things made us closer.  I broke down for about thirty minutes, then it occurred to me, I have guns under my bed, that made me stop crying, I never even went and looked at them, but I guess just knowing their there.  I've never shot one in my life, but it stopped the tears.  I go to the doctor today, she had told my daughter to take the guns to her house, I guess she'll be talking to her again.  I don't understand why it has to hurt so bad, LOVE is beautiful, it's not that I lost love, it's just my love is in another place, in Heaven waiting on me.

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate

Re: Picture of Wayne

Dear Terry - I am so glad you have the view of Wayne waiting for you in Heaven. I also believe that. He is near in spirit and in your heart. Those things that trigger our grief are often unexpected. You did what you could do and that was to let it have its moment. I was grieving for my aunt and not appreciating the waves of grief until a wise person asked me what I would do if she just showed up at the front door. I said that I would invite her in. He encouraged me to view the waves of grief as visits from my loved one. It helped me so much. May you have brighter days ahead - those of loving memories, hope of seeing Wayne again. Blessings, Susan