Topic: I never wanted to post here
Yesterday, Sunday morning my dearest darling father slipped away. I cannot begin to describe the unbelievable pain and anguish I am now feeling. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. It is almost 5am here, it is blowing a gale outside, I know because I have been lying on my bed listening to the wind and rain all night.
My Dad recently remarked to me that it wouldn't be long before I would be writing in the 'In Remembrance' section. (He was a regular on this website too) At the time I told him that I didn't think I would want to. That should I lose him (I always hoped that we would beat this) that I would never want to see or hear the word cholangio f****** carcinoma again. I was wrong. I feel drawn towards this board, this club that we never wanted to join. I know that you all understand what I mean.
I don't know how I move on from here but I know that somehow I will. I feel so sad that I have had to lose my best friend in life so soon. (My Dad was only 63). I feel so sad for my Dad that he has lost his life this way. He fought so hard. We consulted with Drs all over the World seeking out cutting edge treatments. The disease was relentless though. As soon as we had conquered one hurdle it threw up another. It never left us alone.
My Dad was always so upset to hear of all the wonderful people on this site who had lost thier lives to this cruel disease. So many beautiful people since we joined this community in 2005. We tried to hold onto hope, we tried to focus on how this disease effects individuals in different ways. I have always been so encouraged and grateful to hear from Peter or Jeff.
Right now I just don't know what more to say. I feel so numb. I cannot believe that I will never see him or hear his voice again. We spoke all the time. We almost instinctively knew what the other one was thinking. My dad was a clear logical thinker. A strong no nonense sort of person. He often said to me "look forward never look backwards". He never did. I think he found me far too sentimental and emotional at times! I always wished I could be more like him. So strong, so capable.
Dad, how am I going to survive without you?