1 Topic by Gavin (edited by Gavin Tue, 14 Dec 2010 13:09:06)

  • Gavin
  • Gavin
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  • From: Scotland - Dundee
  • Registered: Tue, 23 Sep 2008
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Topic: It's been just over a year now.

Hello all,

I'm sorry that I haven't been around here much the last week or so, but as the title says, it's been just over a year now that I lost my dad and Friday was the 1 year mark since his passing. And to be honest, the last week or so has been really tough for me and more so for mum. I can't even begin to explain how much I miss dad, even a year after he left us. I thought that I was doing well with dealing with everything but last Thursday onwards just brought it all back how much I miss him still. I guess that life goes on, but it still hurts sometimes.

I know that mum misses dad a ton as well, but she hasn't really talked about it and she hasn't really been talking at all lately although she seemed a bit better today. When I ask her things not related to dad she just replies with one word answers and she is very snappy. I know that its tough for mum especially as she can't get out of the house. She hasn't been outside since we got back from Blackpool in October and she can't get out now due to the snow and ice still lying on the ground here. And to top that off, I thought that her sister or nieces would have at least phoned her on Friday to see how mum is, but they didn't and I was raging at them for that, especially so considering all that she does for them. I asked mum if their not phoning upset her and she said no, buck I could tell that it did.

Theres not a day that passes that I don't still think of dad and as I said, I miss him loads each day. I love you dad and we always will.

Hugs,

Gavin

  • Registered: Sat, 17 Apr 2010
  • Posts: 655

Re: It's been just over a year now.

Hi Gavin,

I have been thinking of you as I knew from previous posts that your Dad passed away around my Dads birthdate.

I can only imagine what you are going through on days like these, and I think being near to Christmas somehow makes it worse.  I'm angry for you and your Mom that your family didn't make a call.  I know some people perhaps don't know what to say or how to handle things but that really is putting their feeling first and not the persons who really needs the support.

With your Mom I think that is her way of dealing with your Dads passing, my Nan has never really spoken of my Grandads death and until my Dad was told he was terminal I'd never seen her cry.

What I do know is that your Dad would be so proud of you and especially proud of all the support you have shown to all of us, your CC family.

Thinking of you

Hugs

Andrea

Devoted Daughter to the most wonderful Dad a girl could ask for.  Sadly lost his battle on 19.02.11, peacefully in the arms of Mom and I.  As requested by Dad "we will keep on smiling".
  • From: Wisconsin
  • Registered: Sun, 07 Sep 2008
  • Posts: 1,990

Re: It's been just over a year now.

Hi Gavin,

I know just what you are feeling and yes, these days are hard.  You needed a break and that's OK.  Yes, it does seem that others forget and think we just need to get on with our lives.  It doesn't work that way, does it?  For us it never goes away.  We will never forget.  Yes we try to move on but it is always there.  I too sometimes feel I am doing OK and then it hit's you again like a ton of bricks.  I guess unless you have been through it you just can't understand.

I am so sorry your mom is being ignored by the rest of the family.  She may act like she doesn't care, but believe me, she does.  She is so lucky to have you for a son to be there for her.  I'm sure not being able to get out at all doesn't help either.

On a lighter note, I think you sent all that cold & snow to Wisconsin.  We really got hit this weekend and I haven't been out since Friday!  I do plan to get out tomorrow tho'.  I need to.  We have snow sliding off of gutters, trees, roofs etc.  So I thought of you and your video.  smile

Take care Gavin and know that I am thinking of you and your Mom.  Try to remember all those good times you had with your Dad and keep those memories in the fore front of your mind.  It won't make you miss him less, but it will help easy the pain.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"
  • Registered: Sun, 01 Aug 2010
  • Posts: 493

Re: It's been just over a year now.

Gavin - Milestones are so hard. It almost sneaks up on you without notice. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mum. May the days ahead be brighter with happy thoughts and memories of dad. Blessings, Susan

  • From: Manchester,England
  • Registered: Mon, 03 Aug 2009
  • Posts: 328

Re: It's been just over a year now.

Hi there Gavin,

Just to add my thoughts to what the others have already said.....

I know exactly how you are feeling, for me at the end of December it will be 18 months. Some days as I am sure for you I close my eyes and am right back in the ICU with my Mum and brother making the agonising decision to discontinue my Dad's life support. Other days I struggle to remember what his voice sounds like....

Someone once said to me the second year after a bereavement is often the hardest. Shock and disbelief are replaced by the reality of never seeing your beloved Dad again. The first year you are anticipating all the 'firsts', anniversary, birthday, Christmas and other family times.

Please remember we are all here for you, some days are harder than others. Please also pass my regards on to your Mum....

Hoping the snow and ice clear so that life can get back to normal in Scotland!!! Although by looking at the weather forecast today I'm not sure that will be any time soon.

{{{Hugs}}}

Katie

  • From: Phoenix AZ
  • Registered: Fri, 13 Jan 2006
  • Posts: 8,216

Re: It's been just over a year now.

Dearest Gavin, another milestone that I will also enter next year. I know it's especially hard because you are basically alone there with no one to vent to or to go down memory lane with. You know, neighbor, I am here! I would be upset with the family also, afterall is it a small family. Mama here says, you need to get together with some chaps. Perhaps do the bar thing and raise a few toasts to dad. Go to the horses he loved and just walk around. In other words how about surrounding yourself with Dad memories of things he liked to do. Each day try to do one thing and I have a feeling he will be right by your side doing them with you! You know I am here for my Buddy! Sending you some big hugs.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.
  • kimmie
  • kimmie
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  • From: Maryland
  • Registered: Sun, 09 Aug 2009
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Re: It's been just over a year now.

Gavin, I wish I had words of comfort for you.  You are always so supportive, helpful and kind to people on this website.  But I (no one, really) can say anything to take your pain away.  Only that we relate to your sadness in some way, wherever we are in our stage of grieving our loved ones.

I am sorry that your Mom's sister and nieces haven't been there for her as much as they could or should.

I like Lainy's idea - bar time with some friends!

~Kim
my mother lost her 16 month battle with CC 9/26/10
"Mothers have as powerful an influence over the welfare of future generations as all other earthly causes combined."

kimmie's Website

  • Registered: Sun, 14 Oct 2007
  • Posts: 141

Re: It's been just over a year now.

Gavin,

It's hard to believe a year has already passed.  Anniversary dates can be bitter sweet - remembering both the wonderful memories and the loss of your dear dad at the same time.  Prayers of comfort to you and your mom.

Bz

  • From: Cape Town, South Africa
  • Registered: Mon, 09 Mar 2009
  • Posts: 155

Re: It's been just over a year now.

Hi Gavin
It feels like yesterday, when i followed your dad's journey and was inspired by him and you. You have been such a wonderful source of strength and comfort,thank you.
I feel your pain and am sending you a huge hug and lots of love and light.
Michelle

"My dad, Tony, passed away on 4 October 2010, after a 19 month battle with CC"   - I carry you in my heart, Dad, forever.
  • From: Essex UK
  • Registered: Thu, 08 Nov 2007
  • Posts: 134

Re: It's been just over a year now.

Hi Gavin

I'm so sorry to read you have been having a bit of a tough time recently - the first anniversary of your Dad's passing will have made you re live all the hard times you must have gone through  ...

But you have got through a whole year and, as I so often see from postings on this site, you are so incredibly helpful and kind to so many others - and this is something very positive that has come from what you have been through.  And a lovely tribute to your Dad that you are so willing to help others because of what he went through ...

Lainy is so wise - and always has something so positive to say - raise a glass and think of the good times! 

People say that time heals and whilst I don't completely agree with that, with time (and there is no set amount - for some it is months, for some it is years), you learn coping techniques when the pain gets too much.  And, of course, if you hadn't loved your Dad so much, you wouldn't have the pain - grief is the price we pay for love ...

And, in the words of the lovely Leonard Cohen (!!!), "There ain't no cure for love"

Thinking of you Gavin, and sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

Helen x

11 Reply by amylea (edited by amylea Thu, 16 Dec 2010 13:06:05)

  • From: Mooresville Indiana
  • Registered: Wed, 20 Jun 2007
  • Posts: 202

Re: It's been just over a year now.

Gavin,  The one year mark is hard, isn't it?  I am so sorry.  I feel for your mom also.  I know that when my dad passed away, it was hard for my mom because my brothers didn't acknowledge him much after he was gone.  I know that everyone grieves in their own way, but it is hard.

Katie, Mom passed away in September 2009, and now that we are past that one year mark it has been harder for me.  I miss Mom's voice, and the thought of never hearing it again breaks my heart. 

I am a believer, and know that I will see my parents again someday in heaven, and I know that should help me deal with the grief, but to be 100% honest, it doesn't help me too much on a day to day basis.  Does that sound selfish? 

So glad to have everyone here to talk to....

Amy

  • Gavin
  • Gavin
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Re: It's been just over a year now.

Thank you all, thank you all so very much. This time has been very hard for me recently and all of your words of support mean so much to me. Indeed, all of my CC family mean the world to me. I feel a bit better right now and mum does as well. These milestones, anniversaries and this time of the year are still hard for us, but I will get there with all of you. And I think also that having a break from here for the last week has maybe helped me as well. But just because I haven't been here much over the last week, that doesn't mean that I haven't been thinking of you all so much, I have.

Thank you all so much!

Hugs to all,

Gavin

  • Registered: Sun, 14 Nov 2010
  • Posts: 295

Re: It's been just over a year now.

Gavin - Sometimes, you just need to take a break from life!  Nothing else needs to be said....Nancy

Mother of John who lost his battle on Oct. 9, 2009 at age 30....
  • From: Phoenix, Arizona
  • Registered: Sat, 11 Apr 2009
  • Posts: 89

Re: It's been just over a year now.

Dearest Gavin,
you are such a beautiful person and your Dad would be (is) so, so proud of you for tackling your own grief head on (which is quite difficult, it's much easier to bury, drug or drink it away) and also recognize that your mum is really suffering.

My beloved Jim died 18 months and 3 days ago and it's not any easy although I am 'coping' just fine (i.e. i work, remain healthy and do the right things). On the inside I am a mess and living is very tough. Sooooo....I can identify with what she's going through but I would think it would be tougher, i.e. she is from a different generation where 'feelings' are really spoken about so openly so the suffering on the inside is probably almost unbearable. I think you're doing all the right things i.e. showing her how much you love and care for her. If she uses the internet, she might want to look at some of the support sites for widows, www.ywbb.org is really good.

It sounds like you're doing all the things that you can, just hang in there. Christmas will not be easy this year but it can be special and meaningful, with lots of tributes, stories and precious memories about your dad.

Biggest hugs to you,
Danielle