• From: South Louisiana
  • Registered: Mon, 17 May 2010
  • Posts: 94

Topic: I have a question about work.

My Wayne passed on cc on Feb. 17, 2010.  I took off work the month he was in the hospital, went back to work four days later.  I work for the state so I had ran out of my sick days.  I notice my boss sometimes singles me out, at the end of last year, she told me that she knew I had a rough year, but I needed to do more.  My mom passed away on Nov. 21, 2010 I only took off a week, because we had a holiday.

People don't understand that maybe some days aren't good for me, so I don't smile all day.  I think some of my coworkers think I should be over it.
In fact I believe the longer it is the worse my emotions seem to be.  I am on medication, and I'm seeing a counselor every week. 

I was writing in my journal last night.  I know I'm in denial, because I'm waiting for him to come, I ask  God every night to send him home to me.  My head knows it but my heart doesn't.  Anger, I am not angry at Wayne, but I'm angry with me, I should have done something to help.  I am also angry at God, for letting it happen, he has the power to say one word and he would be well, or he could come back to me.  Depression I've been depressed over a year. 

Somedays I think the boss singles me out to fuss at.  As of yet, I haven't really broke down in front of her, but when she is out of sight I do.  I think that we are a reality check, what happened to us  could happen to them.  When I told her I wasn't going to work on the 17th, I told her that this last year has strained my faith in God.  The only thing she said, that wasn't something that you should let it affect your faith.  I daily ask why this has happened to us. but I never get a answer.

My question is, can they fire you for not being happy all the time, I also have trouble being around people who are in remission of any type of cancer.

Terry

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate
  • From: New Bern, North Carolina
  • Registered: Tue, 30 Sep 2008
  • Posts: 682

Re: I have a question about work.

Terry,

I know exactly what you are feeling.  Mom died April 3, 2009 and I still have bad days.

I can categorically state that GRIEF HAS NO TIMETABLE!!!!  You just have to work through it at YOUR OWN PACE.  I can tell you in time it will become a bit easier and eventually you will remember the good memories and not so much the bad ones.

I am still astounded that the world has seemed to go back to it's own definition of normal after my Mom has died!!  I had a "good friend"  tell me after a couple of weeks to "get over it"....crying and grieving would not bring my Mom back....

It was only my southern upbringing and fear of prison that kept me from attacking her on the spot.

Death and dying is a very uncomfortable subject for most people.  The ones that have been the most supportive and kindest are people who have lost a loved one.  Most people fear death and don't really know what to say or do so they do nothing and say nothing or say the wrong things.  I choose to seek out the friends that have lost a spouse or parent and they were the ones I could open up to and vent.  Just hearing the words..."I know"... and know they meant it spoke volumes to me.  These people were the ones that knew from experience that sometimes I needed to rage and vent and sometimes just talk about my Mom.

You really haven't had a great deal of time to process your grief.  You've lost a husband and a Mom in a very short period of time and you were the caregiver! 

Your body and mind has been given a major shock.  I think after losing a loved one we are in a state of merciful shock and a protective numbness.  By the time we venture out of this fog, most of the world has gone on it's merry way and in their minds we should be all better and over it.  That's not how it goes.

Be gentle with yourself.  I think seeing the therapist is a great help.  I too understand about questioning God.  I was furious at him for a good while but as my minister told me it was ok....God was big enough and could deal with it and would love me just the same.

Grief is a process.  I'm finding there is an ebb and flow to it.  Some days I think I'm almost back to "normal"...and then there are days and things that happen that makes it feel as if I've just lost Mom.  I can still be blindsided by walking through a store and pass someone wearing her perfume.  I opened one of her purses I kept the other day and disolved into a puddle of tears just smelling the scent. 

Remember no one is happy all day every day.  You have every right to be unhappy...you've lost two of the people most precious to you! 

Be gentle with yourself...try to eat right and sleep.  It will get better.

Come here....we are all here for you and WE UNDERSTAND!!!

I'm sending prayers for strength and understanding and tons of love and hugs...

Pam

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.
  • Lainy
  • Lainy
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  • From: Phoenix AZ
  • Registered: Fri, 13 Jan 2006
  • Posts: 8,207

Re: I have a question about work.

Pam you said it all so beautifully. Terry we are here for you.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.
  • From: Wisconsin
  • Registered: Sun, 07 Sep 2008
  • Posts: 1,990

Re: I have a question about work.

Terry,

I think everything Pam said is oh so true.   She said it well.   It has been almost 2 1/2 years for me and I can tell you that everything she said is what I feel and have experienced.  I am fortunate to be self-employed and also had a customer who has become a very close friend after finding out that both of our husbands passed within 3 months of each other.  Our lives and situations are so similar and also so unique that we seem to understand exactly what the other is going through.  We have really been able to help and support each in so many ways that others who haven't been there can't understand.  Hang in there and when you feel that no one else cares or understands, come back here.  We do.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"