• From: South Louisiana
  • Registered: Mon, 17 May 2010
  • Posts: 94

Topic: having to deal with people

My Wayne passed away on Feb. 17, 2010.  I have been told by a few people to get over it.  I'm like the nice southern lady, that her upbringing made her not attack the person that said that.  The first time it was said to me was in May my boss told me this three months after he went to heaven.  Yesterday I received a letter from someone, that told me that she had been patient with my, that I needed to step up to the plate.  I was surprised at that one because last year she lost her brother to a head on collison.  I guess some of these people are so harsh even though they have had southern upbringing, hateful comes from all locations, colors, sizes and age.
They believe not knowing any better is a excuse for being mean, no not even ignorance is. 

I will be the first to admit I have been having a difficult time, I go to the counselor once a week.  Sometimes a feel like I need to go everyday just to keep me feeling good about myself.  I have a small family locally, Wayne had a large family, but he made a choice to not tell anyone.  They are mad at me for not telling them, even though Wayne didn't want them to know.  I haven't heard from any of his family since the funeral, but you know we had only been married for 36 years.

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate
  • Lainy
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  • From: Phoenix AZ
  • Registered: Fri, 13 Jan 2006
  • Posts: 8,313

Re: having to deal with people

Sometimes, its just a sorry world, yes? I still talk a lot about Teddy but I can see people are getting a little tired of it. Life seems to go on even though we are not ready to. I am now in the middle of making a concerted effort to stop most of the talk. Guess 3 months is enough and if I want to talk I will talk to his picture or his sister who calls me daily from Dallas. Maybe this is a wake up call to me.
Being in a PUSH Club means I have to now start pushing a little harder. That does not mean he will not be on my mind all the time, he will just have to sit there quietly. I honestly think about you a lot and hope you can fine some strength to know that it's ok to miss Wayne and it's ok to feel bad and it's ok to talk about him, but it's also OK for you to try to begin to make your "new normal". That may even mean making new friends. What ever it takes. Take care.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

3 Reply by Cherbourg (edited by Cherbourg Wed, 02 Mar 2011 12:15:06)

  • From: New Bern, North Carolina
  • Registered: Tue, 30 Sep 2008
  • Posts: 683

Re: having to deal with people

I've said it before and I'll say it again.....GRIEF AND GRIEVING HAVE NO TIMETABLE AND NO TWO PEOPLE WILL GRIEVE IN THE SAME WAY OR TIME SPAN!!!!

As I mentioned before it's my southern upbringing and fear of prison that kept me from attacking some of the people I really thought I knew. 

That said I believe most people have a fear of death and don't really know how to deal with it.  (or more importantly the aftermath).  They can be so insensitive and at times down-rite RUDE!

I did let go of some "friends" that couldn't understand my pain and kept telling me to get over it.  I assumed (quite correctly I might add) that I knew me and my grief better than anyone and would continue dealing with it at my own pace.  Most of my close friends now are the ones that have lost a loved one and really and truly understand how hard living without them can be. 

All I can say is baby steps....just a little bit each and every day.  You will get through this and at some point you will be ready to move a little bit forward...but at your own pace NOT someone else's.

Come here often... we are all only a keystroke away. 

I'm sending hugs, prayers for strenght and courage and love!

Pam
(besides.... us Southern Belles really don't look our best in "Wanted Posters"....)

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.
  • Registered: Sun, 14 Nov 2010
  • Posts: 295

Re: having to deal with people

I have found it is easiest to talk with my daughter and my husband about my grief and I don't bring it up much to my co-workers or distant friends.  I think it is uncomfortable for those who are not too close to us to deal with our pain and to know what to do when we are feeling down.  With that said, I also think it is important to be able to talk to someone, so therapy is a good idea, especially if it is helping.  Believe it or not, coming to this web site is one of the most therapeutic things I do for myself.  It helps to chat with others here and to think you might be helping someone else.  Hope things start looking up soon - Nancy

Mother of John who lost his battle on Oct. 9, 2009 at age 30....
  • From: Wisconsin
  • Registered: Sun, 07 Sep 2008
  • Posts: 1,996

Re: having to deal with people

Terry,

I think all of us who have lost a loved one have experienced what you are in one way or another and yes, it is hard to take and to understand.  Like Pam, I have found I have to distance myself from these people, both friends and family and find those who are willing to listen and do understand.   I'm glad you are continuing with the counseling.  It helps to be able to talk it out.   I agree with Nancy that this site is the best therapy.  Talking to others who have been there and helping and supporting those who are dealing with all we have already dealt with.

You own your grief.  Nobody else has the right to tell you how to handle it.  There is no time frame and you don't have to get over it.   A hugh loss to something like CC leaves scars on our hearts that will never truely go away.  We just have to learn how to live with it all and try to go on with this strange new life we now have.  Take care Terry.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"
  • Registered: Sun, 01 Aug 2010
  • Posts: 493

Re: having to deal with people

My heart goes out to you. Grief does not have a timetable and you are seeing a counselor to help you deal with your grief. I am so sorry that it hurts so much for so long. I am only one month out from losing my husband of 28 years, but when do you stop feeling like you are only 1/2. I am a member of the PUSH Club, but I find I must make myself PUSH to go out and do things. Please accept this virtual hug. Blessings, Susan

  • Registered: Sun, 14 Nov 2010
  • Posts: 295

Re: having to deal with people

Susan - It's only been a month.  Just the fact that you are pushing yourself to do things is  good.  It takes a LONG time....one day at a time and one step at a time.  Peace - Nancy

Mother of John who lost his battle on Oct. 9, 2009 at age 30....
  • Lainy
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  • From: Phoenix AZ
  • Registered: Fri, 13 Jan 2006
  • Posts: 8,313

Re: having to deal with people

Sus, oh, yeah, you don't just feel like getting up and going that is why I PUSH. It's not for everyone so lets just say PUSH when you are ready. I think you are doing fine and somehow it all falls in to place. Weird but I have discovered (Monday will be 3 months) I am not lonely. I do not feel lonely. I feel a void, a hole if you will and I miss him terribly. Yesterday I was in the car and the song "More" came on the radio and I didn't cry for the 1st time, listening to one of our wedding songs. That was huge. So, it is baby steps and then all of a sudden you realize something that would upset you previously stopped upsetting you. You stop having every word be about the man you love because you realize you are the only one interested now. But honestly its all ok for me as it is life getting on and going on. How is that baby boy? Love you!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.
  • From: South Louisiana
  • Registered: Mon, 17 May 2010
  • Posts: 94

Re: having to deal with people

Ladies I'm going to try this one more time.  I understand that we really don't need us southern belle's picture on wanted pictures.  In fact I don't think anybody needs that, unless we could pick the people.  Many people say get your life back to normal, there is no normal anymore.  I don't like the so called new normal it hurts to bad.  That's when my counselor comes in,  I feel like I can talk about everything and anything with her.  Since my best friend went to heaven, I feel like she listens to me better than anyone else.  Most people get tired of hearing about him, even my daughter.  I believe over the past 25 years of illnesses if I want to talk about him, we had been married for 35 years plus one, we earned it.  He had sarcoidosis, ganegreen, amputation, three blood clots, open heart surgery, kidney blood clot and last but not least cc, I've earned my right to talk about him if I want too.

Terry

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate
  • Registered: Sun, 01 Aug 2010
  • Posts: 493

Re: having to deal with people

My Dearest Lainy -

You are so right. Most days I do PUSH myself and each time I think of you and the club we are in - the PUSH club. Somedays, I indulge myself a little and I stay in bed longer. I am back to work and that forces me out 3 times a week.

I also agree with you that I can't say that I am lonely because somehow it seems like I'm not really alone. I carry my beloved in my heart and so that part isn't lonely. Empty and 1/2 -everything feels like 1/2 - 1/2 the joy, 1/2 the fun, 1/2 of me. I don't know where to find the other 1l2, but I must give time some time to do it's work.

I always love talking with you because you REALLY GET IT! You understand and KNOW what I'm going through. Maybe we are both really strong, determined people who were lucky enough to have a true love and for that I am truly thankful.

I have a lot of thankfulness in my life - 28 years of a faithful husband. 42 years knowing he would do anything for me. What kind of gift and blessing is that? A wonderful one that left me with a solid foundation.

I listen to the song, "When You Say You Love Me" by Josh Groban over and over and over. It brings me comfort. We played it at Randy's memorial when we had pictures of my life with Randy. I don't get tired of it - I rarely cry when it's on, but I love it and how solid I feel when I hear it.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Blessings,
Sus

  • Lainy
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  • From: Phoenix AZ
  • Registered: Fri, 13 Jan 2006
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Re: having to deal with people

Hey, Sus...Speaking of songs! I went through 2 days of nuclear heart testing this week. My GP feels that women react to stress differently then men (yep) and so to humor him I had it done. Results March 23rd. Anyway the first day of testing, I get dressed, get in the car to go, turn on the radio and the first song is "More" which was sung to us at our wedding 16 years ago.  Think Teddy was with me?  I do. As much as I was feeling him and seeing things around me before though, it has now been 2 weeks without. I did make a log, but honestly I told Robin it was getting just a tad spooky and he stopped coming! Teddy loved music, any kind any way and I have had instances a lot where songs come on that he loved or that meant something special to us. By the way, the Mission continues. I picked up the files from In Hospice on Teddy and I was horrified all over again. Actually shaking. I knew what they would show but to actually see it and see what a mess they were and that the 2nd day he had NOTHING for pain from Noon - 11PM???  But, that is another story. Keep up your fantastick work, you are doing just fine.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.
  • From: New Bern, North Carolina
  • Registered: Tue, 30 Sep 2008
  • Posts: 683

Re: having to deal with people

Terry,

I think right now you are doing everything you need to do.  I believe having a "neutral" counselor that you can talk and vent to is an immeasurable comfort.  I believe everyone has the right and the need to grieve in their own manner.  I'm holding you close in my prayers and sending sending virtual hugs.  Be gentle with yourself...you've had so many loses on so many fronts. 

Hugs.
Pam

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.
  • Registered: Tue, 08 Feb 2011
  • Posts: 20

Re: having to deal with people

Grief is such a personal thing. In this inpersonal world we live in, many people are embarrassed by any show of emotion & don't know how to act to it  or know what to say. We don't seem to teach our young about death & grief in any significant way. It is as if many people would prefer never to mention the dead again. I think speaking about the dead is a way of honouring them & keeping their memory alive. But many think that this is morbid in some way. Keep your "wayne" alive in the memory of your children , grandchildren & other family members with casual remarks such as: "Wayne would have laughed  to see you doing that"; " Wayne always loved watching the football" or similar things that relate to the world you & your family are still living in.Try to keep him alive in everyone's mind without sounding sad or morbid. Unfortunately, no-one can tell us when our deepest feelings of grief will pass & often they come back at the least expected times. Try to remember the good times you shared. I am thankful for the time I have spent with my loved one & trying not to dwell on how hard it will be without him.  My thoughts & oprayersare with you.
Regards
Roslyn