• From: Connecticut
  • Registered: Thu, 18 Nov 2010
  • Posts: 68

Topic: People asking if "I'm okay"

I'm starting to get annoyed with people constantly asking if I'm Okay after all of this.

I know that most of the people are asking because they really care, or because they don't know what else to say.  But it's starting to aggravate me because I'm trying to get into my normal life (I like Lainy's "new normal" notion - that's really what it is) and having to keep answer those questions is almost like a step back each time they ask.

I tell everyone I am ok, and getting through it. I don't tell them the whole truth, well, because i know they don't want to know that in reality, im not doing well at all! That doesn't quite make for good conversation.

So why do people insist on bringing it up over and over again when they clearly see that i'm trying to enjoy myself? They know that every time they ask it makes me upset but they keep asking. I even had one person yesterday ask if me and my mom (who was in the room and could have asked herself) were ok, and when i said yes we were doign as best we could, she told me it was going to get harder and worse. Why, thank you, that definitely made me feel better.

Has this happened to anyone else? How do you deal with it and when do people stop asking all of the questions?

I lost my Dad to CC Feb 13, 2011 at 7pm EST. I felt him take his last breath. He was 57.
I love you, Daddy.

--Kim
  • From: Connecticut
  • Registered: Thu, 18 Nov 2010
  • Posts: 68

Re: People asking if "I'm okay"

not to mention yesterday was the 1 month mark and everyone at the get together yesterday knew this.

I lost my Dad to CC Feb 13, 2011 at 7pm EST. I felt him take his last breath. He was 57.
I love you, Daddy.

--Kim

3 Reply by Darla (edited by Darla Mon, 14 Mar 2011 09:24:53)

  • From: Wisconsin
  • Registered: Sun, 07 Sep 2008
  • Posts: 1,990

Re: People asking if "I'm okay"

Hi Kim,

My husband passed away 2 1/2 years ago and I still get the "Are you OK?" or "How are you doing?" questions.  Like you I just say I am dealing with things as best I can.  They really don't want to hear that you are not doing great and wouldn't know what to say if you told them they truth anyway.  Atleast that's how I feel about it.   Some days I would just like to say "How the hell do you think I am?  How would you be if you were me?"  Of course I would never actually do that,  but wouldn't you just loved to see how people would react to that?  Maybe it would stop them from asking if nothing else.

It also bothers me that when I try to talk about Jim people seem to be uncomfortable and change the subject.  We need to be able to talk about our loved ones and to remember them.   

I think that telling you it is going to get worse doesn't really help anything, but sometimes it does.  You will have good days and bad days, but you don't need others reminding you of that when you are trying your best to live your life and deal with all that has happened.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this, but I guess it is all just part of this whole process.  Take care Kim.   Hang in there. Thinking of you.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"
  • From: Phoenix AZ
  • Registered: Fri, 13 Jan 2006
  • Posts: 8,225

Re: People asking if "I'm okay"

Hi Kim. How about we have Tee Shirts printed that say, "I'm OK for a grieving wife/daughter"? I honestly feel people are saying that to show us they still care. And would we be more happy if they ignored us? I know for me I wouldn't want that either. Its been 3 months since Teddy passed and they are still asking. But not as much.
As for our grieving, I can only speak for myself. My meltdowns are a lot less. Sometimes they just happen but not too often anymore. I can listen to special music without crying. I tell people that I am NOT lonely. I lived alone for 8 years before I met Teddy and my friends keep me pretty busy. And I am trying to sell the house. But I have learned that being lonely and missing someone are 2 different things. Not loney, but missing? Oh, I miss him terribly. He was so much fun and so very loving. Like 2 days before I admitted him to Hospice he ambled in to the kitchen with his walker and he put his arms out and said I want to dance with you. Now, things like that make me tear up.
My daughter and I are still pursuing Hospice for the way they let him die. I picked up his files a week ago and I was horrified at what I saw. But, this is the cutest. There was a sheet called 'about me' where they asked him likes and dislikes. At the very bottom was the question, "what is your favorite smell"? He answered, "my clean house"! I tell you I just cracked up. So it's things like that and the dancing I try so hard to remember. You also willl begin to remember more and more of the good times.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.
  • Registered: Sun, 14 Nov 2010
  • Posts: 295

Re: People asking if "I'm okay"

Kim - I'm trying to find a good way to answer your questions.  On one hand, I also hated it when people asked how I was doing.  On the other hand, when they stopped, I felt like they were not remembering that my son had died and that they thought I should have moved on by now.  So, it's been 17 months since John passed, and some of my good friends still ask:  How are you doing?  But these are the people who really care how I am and really want to give me an opportunity to talk about things.   So, I guess it really is a double-edged sword.  I found -- in the beginning -- I would answer, "I am as well as can be expected," which was always true no matter what point I was at in my mourning.  The other thing you might say is "Do you really want to know?" and if they say, "Yes" - then tell them!  The majority of people really don't know what to say and what to do, so sometimes, you just have to smile in front of them and then go home and cry.  Honestly, it does get somewhat better with time.....Hugs - Nancy

Mother of John who lost his battle on Oct. 9, 2009 at age 30....
  • From: Connecticut
  • Registered: Thu, 18 Nov 2010
  • Posts: 68

Re: People asking if "I'm okay"

Thanks everybody. I'm glad im not the only one that feels like this sometimes. I do know they are trying to help and be nice, but sometimes I just feel like i want them to stop and treat me like a normal person. Like if they ask "how are you doing" and i say "im doing ok!", then they should leave it at that and not ask "are you really doing ok?". Some people just don't get the hint, i guess.

I'm trying to not get annoyed at people since i know they care, but some days its harder than others. I just have to try to be more understanding of how uncomfortable the whole thing probably makes them too.

Lainy - Teddy sounds like he was such a cutie smile

I lost my Dad to CC Feb 13, 2011 at 7pm EST. I felt him take his last breath. He was 57.
I love you, Daddy.

--Kim
  • Registered: Sun, 01 Aug 2010
  • Posts: 493

Re: People asking if "I'm okay"

I totally understand about missing someone but not being lonely. I miss my husband every single day, but I am not lonely. I am surrounded by evidence of his love every where I look, in every room. It is hard to express that you are so sad and have lost 1/2 your heart, but for some reason, when you get up in the morning, you still go to the bathroom, and put one foot in front of the other. Somehow, you keep breathing. Sometimes I say, I am still putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I say, it really is true that God's grace is sufficient - it doesn't take away your pain or your loss, but it does carry you through. I think I have been very fortunate to have people be very understanding when they ask and I tear up. I only manage one day at a time because the future looms way too large. Susan

  • Registered: Sun, 14 Nov 2010
  • Posts: 295

Re: People asking if "I'm okay"

Susan - Sounds like you're doing very well all things considered....that's all we can ask of ourselves.  - Nancy

Mother of John who lost his battle on Oct. 9, 2009 at age 30....
  • Registered: Sun, 01 Aug 2010
  • Posts: 493

Re: People asking if "I'm okay"

Thank you, Nancy. I think I am doing as well as can be expected. I miss my husband so much, but it seems like a discredit to his memory for me not to TRY to keep moving forward. I still have children (although they are adults) and we support one another. I have grandchildren that will never have their Papa again, so I need to try to be all the Nana I can be for them. I will do my best to honor my husband, his belief in me, and all the investment he made in my during my life. So, one foot in front of the other. Blessings, Susan

  • From: South Louisiana
  • Registered: Mon, 17 May 2010
  • Posts: 94

Re: People asking if "I'm okay"

It has been 14 months since my Wayne left and 5 months since my Mom left.  The answer to how you doing, always is OK.  Only a few of my close friends can I really talk too.   What hurts more is the friends that only smile at you, these are people I used to go out to eat with, now they act like I have the plague and if I bring up Wayne's name, they act like that is a hush, hush subject  They never bring up my Mom.  I was Wayne's caregiver for 25 years, my Mom's for 10 years, raised 2 children, and held down a full time job.  Somedays I'm not OK, those days I can go home, they never thought about if I was OK during those 25 years.  My counselor helps me through the week.

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate