angry stage

Hi Jules,
I relate so much to what you are saying -- the anger at the cancer, at the world, at yourself for not doing enough. You must know in your head that you did everything possible and you could not have changed the ultimate outcome, but the guilt and the re-thinking still happens over and over. Your dad would NEVER think you let him down -- you did so much for him!! but this grief is just not rational, not at all.

In the beginning my anger was so bad that I was mad at EVERYONE for being alive when my mother isn't.  I still have those moments, especially towards my in-laws, since they don't seem to appreciate the fact that they're still alive and able to see my daughter, when my mother isn't. And I still have those moments and I still don't want to socialize or talk about inane things with people - I blew up at my husband a few months after my mother died because NOBODY would mention my mother in front of me and that's ALL I wanted to talk about, all I could think about. It's as if the rest of the world has forgotten, as if no one is aware that the world stopped spinning on its axis on January 22nd, 2007. I could only be with my mother's dear friends and my "adopted" brother, because they were the only ones who would cry and grieve with me and talk about her last days. It's so necessary to do that - painful as it is, you can't just go on as if nothing happened. Though I, too, spend hours at a time just pretending it never happened, but reality always intrudes somehow. I think the denial trick is a wonderful coping mechanism and I still won't admit that she's gone, because if I fully accept it, I'll go insane. The anger is a better outlet to channel the extreme emotions you feel at this time - or it is for me, though it's somewhat scary.

I'm sorry for rambling - just want you to know that your pain and anger, though unique and indescribable, is similar to mine and you should try to be easier on yourself - easier said than done! I don't think there are any words to truly comfort at this time, but venting does release some of the emotions, so vent away. Pain like this can never be understood by people who haven't gone through it themselves, which is why I always turn to this board for answers, affirmation and venting.

I wish you peace and eventual relief from at least some of your anguish-

Joyce

Hey Jules. So sorry you are having such a hard time. Everyone else has said all there is to say, you are grieving, that's how it is.
I'll email you. xxxxxxxxx

New Five-Stage Theory for Grieving
A friend of mine in Thomaston, GA did some research on grief.  She passed her findings along to me and I wanted to share them with all of you that have lost someone.  I don't think any of us faces a harder challenge than losing a loved one or comforting a friend or relative after the death of someone close.  Most of us have heard about the "Kubler-Ross" five-stage theory of grief for people who are dying, which many  people believe also holds true for grieving over the loss of a loved one.  The theory describes five distinct emotional stages to grief that terminally ill patients go through - denial . . . anger . .  bargaining . . . depression . . . and acceptance.
Surprisingly, little research has been done to affirm the validity of this theory, which was popularized by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD, when applied to bereavement.  My friend called to ask about the new study, published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, Holly G. Prigerson, PhD, senior author of the article, said "It struck us as odd that a theory with such wide acceptance had never been actually tested."  Hence, Dr. Prigerson and her team set out to take a closer look at how people process grief and loss and to determine whether the five-stage model is accurate.

A FRESH LOOK
The researchers followed 233 people who had lost a loved one -- a spouse, parent, sibling or child, with the majority (84%) bereaved spouses.  All deaths were from natural causes, mostly following a long illness.  During the two-year study period, participants kept track of how often they experienced each of the five grief indicators --denial/disbelief ... yearning ... anger ... depression ... and acceptance.  Theorizing that separation anxiety plays a major role in mourning the loss of others, the researchers removed "bargaining" (they believed that "bargaining", was more relevant when processing your own forthcoming death) and used "yearning" as the core indicator of separation anxiety.  The results found some important differences from the five-stage theory.

Grieving, they learned, isn't exactly a linear process of working one's way toward acceptance.  Instead the various emotions overlap considerably during mourning, with some predominating at different times.  Interestingly, disbelief did not top the list as the initial dominant response although it scored at its highest level during the first month post-loss.  Rather, acceptance (the last phase in the five-stage theory) was what people reported most often feeling during each period of the study.

It turns our that the new stage -- "yearning" -- was actually the most frequently reported negative emotion, peaking at four months post-loss.  Anger peaked at five months and depression at six months after the death.

IT'S ALL NORMAL
While interesting to have this new perspective on the science of bereavemewnt, what's most important is how the study results might be helpful in coping with loss, or being supportive to friends and family who've suffered one.  What's most meaningful is how this research can help normalize how people experience grief, by rendering acceptable the wide range of emotions that surface in the ensuing months.

Anger is likely the most difficult emotion to cope with.  Most people have a hard time accepting or expressing their anger at the departed loved one.  They feel tremendous guilt about being angry -- but as this research shows, anger does come up.  It's reassuring to know this so that unnecessary and damaging guilt can be avoided.  Bereavement shouldn't be considered something to "get over" but instead a fact to be eventually integrated into the survivor's life.  Everyone is different after the experience of profound grief.

IS HELP NECESSARY
The fact that the intense emotions (yearning, anger and depression) all peaked within six months of loss in this study led researchers in their conclusion to suggest that those for whom those feelings continue after six months may need to seek help or might benefit fromn evaluation.  Dr. Dennis McCann, PhD, director of pastoral care at Middlesex Hospital in Middletown, Connecticue disagreed saying there's nothing significant about the six-month mark.  A better determination of whether a person needs help at any time during the bereavement process is how well they are getting on with the activities of daily life.  If the pain is so great that one cannot function, then help is certainly needed no matter the time frame after the loss.  This might take the form of individual counseling or joining a bereavement support group -- or for some people, medication for depression or anxiety to allow them to handle their responsibilities and navigate their daily lives after a profound loss. 

Is there any way to prepare in advance for such a loss?  Dr. McCann said that meditation and mindfulness can be helpful as practices to lead toward realization and acceptance of an uncomfortable reality -- which is that all things and people in this world are impermanent.  While not all losses allow time for preparation, coming to terms in advance with both the inevitability and capriciousness of the cycle of life may go far in helping you and your friends/family cope with a painful loss when it strikes.

My Comments
I hope that some of the findings above will help those on this site.  I found that the few weeks following Sam's one-year anniversary have been unbelievably hard so there is just no majic time frame.  Martin Luther, one of the most fascinating figures in Christian history, said "There is no sweeter union than that in a good marriage.  Nor is there any death more bitter than that which separates a married couple.  Only the deaths of children come close to this; how much this hurts I have myself experienced." 
Whether you lose a spouse, a child, a parent, a sibling, the hurt and pain can only be felt by those that experience this loss.  I have quoted C.S. Lewis on this site before but I love what he said "their absence is like the sky . . . spread over everything."
Love to all of you
Betty

A Crisp View of God
There is a window in your heart through which you can see God.  Once upon a time that window was clear.  Your vew of God was crisp.  You could see God as vividly as you could see a gentle valley or hillside.
Then, suddenly, the window cracked.  A pebble broke the window.  A pebble of pain.
And suddenly God was not so easy to see.  The view that had been so crisp had changed.
You were puzzled.  God wouldn't allow something like this to happen, would he?
When you can't see him, trust him . . . Jesus is closer than you've ever dreamed.

Hi Betty,  Thanks for sharing the grieving research post.  I'm curious if any research like this was accomplished for those who are living the reality of death and grieving for the loved ones being left behind ?  If so I think that bargining would remain as one of the stages, as I bargin all the time for God to at least let me remain mortal until I feel comfortable that my Loved ones will be okay after my demise.  I just bargined this week.  My Duaghter had her thyroid removed and we are awaiting on the pathology report.  I told God he could bring me on home anytime, but at least let me hear or see a pathology report that says my duaghter will be fine and able to be with her children, my precious grandchildren.  Just thinking out loud Betty.  I did find your post interesting.  I guess I was doing a little comparison if the table was turned the other way.
God Bless,
Jeff

I have been told that this grief is something that I will 'learn to live with' rather then 'get over' and that the intensity of emotion will lessen in time.  I have also found that my moods are all over the place.  I seem to be functioning okay one minute and the next I feel overwhelmed by extreme sadness that seems to paralyse me.

Of course I know that he didn't want to die and I do not feel angry at him, I just feel extremely sad for him.  He lived life to the full and enjoyed every minute and he has been taken too young.  I feel anger at some of the Drs (eg his GP who for 2 years previous to my Dad's diagnosis told him there was nothing wrong despite the fact that my Dad had worrying symptoms).  The anger can become irrational aswell - I know of unpleasant men much older then him living full lives, I think why him and not them? - I know it does not make sense but I can't help these feelings.

I am also angry at people who say "just let me know if there is anything I can do?..." what does that mean?! - why not just turn up at my house one evening and offer me company and a chance to talk? - that is what I need - your time - I want to talk and talk, I want to go over and over the events of the last 3 years and try to make sense of it in my head if I can, I want someone to listen who cares.  Unfortuantly I don't have that, as I am sure so many people don't.  That is why venting here is such a release.  Being amongst others at this time trying to act carefree just feels like such a burden, has anyone else experienced the 'trying to outdo you on the grief front'? - you know those people - "I lost my mum, dad and niece all within the space of 6 months".  ALL GRIEF IS VALID - young, old, husband, Dad, grandparent.. it is what that person meant to you, the relationship between the 2 of you that mattered and nobody can make assumptions about that.

I am sorry Patricia that the pain is feeling worse now.  I hope that the counselling may help you now.  Betty - thankyou for your posting, I have read a book by kubler ross 'on grief and grieving' - it is written with such empathy and understanding, a real comfort and a beautiful book, I would recommend it to anyone in our position.

Jules

PS - Jeff I was very concerned to read your posting and I am hoping that your daughter is okay.  Take care, love Jules

Dear Jules,
Just so you know you're not crazy (or maybe you are, and then I am, too) - I have the same kind of anger that you describe. I read all the Kubler-Ross and assorted books on the subject, and they left me uninspired since they left out so much, especially this anger. They state that you have anger toward the person who died and you tend to idealize them, and in my case that is simply not true. I'm not angry at my mother AT ALL and I'm completely aware of all her irritating little faults that used to drive me crazy, so I don't idealize her.  I am angry at the WORLD in general, at this life for being like this, at cancer, and when I see worthless, unloved people live to a ripe old age I'm angry at them, too, for living so long when my mother could have used those years. For a while, every time someone pissed me off, I'd think "Okay, that's two years off your life to give to my mom." I hear people talking about their grandchildren and I'm angry that they get to see their grandchildren and my mother, who lived for my daughter, can't be here for her. I guess I'm angry at fate, kismet, whatever, and in my stubborn way I'm refusing to accept reality because there has to be a way I can change it! Not rational, like you said - but very human and normal as long as it doesn't become psychosis or something.

When my beloved stepfather Dennis died 5 years ago, at the funeral I commented to his brother Eddie that my stepfather looked just like Eddie (Eddie is very skinny and my stepfather was wasted away with cancer when he died). Eddie is a great family friend, always has a joke, and he said "Yes, I bet you wish it were ME in that coffin instead of my brother."  I knew he would understand when I said, "To tell you the truth, Eddie, I love you like an uncle but I DO wish it were you in that box instead of Dennis." Eddie understood, as I do, about the "bargaining" phase of grieving - right now I'd exchange anyone in the world if it would make my mother live again. Just like "Year of Magical Thinking" -  a great book about some aspects of grief. And don't get me started on anger toward doctors!!!

I read all the grief books and I can recommend some to you - I'm a big reader but I just can't seem to concentrate on anything that doesn't have some relationship to my mother since she died, so the death and dying books give me a connection. I can't share my thoughts with anyone because they just think I'm obsessing, when I'm just trying to deal with my pain and they can't possibly understand or say the right thing (I just love it when people tell me that she's not suffering now - of course I don't want her to suffer, I just want her back the way she was when she was healthy!). And yes, I've had the annoying one-upmanship game played on me -- everyone tries to top your grief! I can sympathize if they're really hurting and just sharing with you, but very often it is just a game of "I had it worse than you and I survived, you weakling." Even worse, I think, are the people who won't mention my mother at all -- as if she never even existed, as if she doesn't matter anymore.  Yes, you need to go over and over all the details of your father's illness and his last months - that's something I still do in my head and it has to be released somehow. Like KateG's posts about her mother, it's just natural to want to make sense of this senseless horror by writing it down and/or talking about it. No one wants to hear it except those who have gone through it and/or those who loved your dad almost as much as you do -- and even then, they may be no support since they're dealing with their grief in a different way.

I read this over and realize that I sound VERY angry, when in reality I'm really not - like you said, emotions are all over the place. I don't want to sound like I go through every day wishing everyone dead and hating everyone! There's just such a frustration at reality, that makes me want to shake my fist at the powers that be, and it can come out in anger, sadness, self-pity, defensiveness - everything. I'll be fine, talking to another parent  at my daughter's school playground, and someone will mention their mother and I just choke up and try to hold back tears - I'm sure they think I'm crazy! After a month or two is over, people expect you to just get on with life and not make them uncomfortable by showing your grief. It's a very lonely process and I often say it's a very self-centered one, because you have to heal yourself and turn inward to find the strength you need, and can't be bothered wtih other people's trivialities too much.

Anyway, I know the pain is still very new and raw in your case and I just wanted to write to empathize with you and vent some more. That's all anyone can do that matters right now. I'd respond to the other posts but I've already gone on too long. Though I must say that meditation is a great idea and it has helped me a bit.

Much love going your way,
Joyce

dear friends,

thankyou for your replies and sharing your experiences with me, I do not feel so alone when I hear from you, and as Joyce says, grief is a lonely experience.  I am now starting to realise that, initially I had hoped that people would be there for me or that I could grieve together with others who cared for my Dad, sadly that is not the case.  I just cannot begin to understand some people and unfortuantly events like this can open cracks in relationships and highlight just how cruel some people can be. 

Teresa - why did your sister feel the need to ask something that should be so obvious? - her actions were unbelievable - so cruel.  I am so sorry to hear that you are now caring for your husband and having to go through this agony again in such a short space of time.  I hope that you have others there for you, Alan's friends sound like a special group of people, and it so true what you say - you find support in the most unlikely of places.  I feel that THE ONLY good thing to come out of all of this are the friendships that I have made through this website.  I have met some truly special people.  I know that my Dad felt the same way - he always admired the strength and determination of both the patients and carers on this site. 

I keep you all in my thoughts.
love Julesx

Teresa,

I read your post and thought of our family.  I think our family was a bit opposite.  We all wanted to be with Mark every second of every day from the time he was diagnosed.  We could never do enough and Marianne finally had to set some limits so that their family wasn't overwhelmed by us 24/7.  The Dr's office made a new rule that only the patient and two additional people could be at appointments.  I think 8 of us all being there at every appointment was a bit much. 

Feelings were hurt if someone was assigned to a certain appointment and someone else didn't get updated immediately, everyone wanted to be doing something to help, but there were only so many jobs that could be done.  We started the family website as much for our family as for others.  Marianne couldn't spend her entire day on the phone updating everyone of us individually.  It was a difficult time for us but in a different way.

On the other hand, a couple of years ago my husband's grandmother was dying - old age - she was 90.   She was a very graceful but firm lady.  As she was preparing to die and hospice was coming in to help daily I felt compelled to spend even more time with her.  I would get lotion and rub her hands and arms and her feet and legs.  I would turn on music she loved and spend hours just sitting and talking with her.  I felt like it was sacred time.  In contrast, her two grand daughters (my husbands sisters) did not spend time with her.  It made them uncomfortable and they just couldn't do it.

I think because we are human beings and because we are all so different, we just react differently to situations that make us nervous or afraid.  I think it is natural.  Some of us avoid things that make us uncomfortable and some of us just charge right in and work to make it better.  It's just how we're built. 

While I wish your sister would have just come.  I think she may have been asking if you needed her.  Some people need invitations into our lives - clearly my family needs an invitation to back out (haha).  But the hardship is the same.  Since everyone grieves differently, even those closest to us don't know the appropriate way to help - sometimes the grieving person just has to say... this is the best way you can help me.

I don't know why this is, but I'm so glad you are focusing on those who have helped and comforted you through this situation.  Focusing on the blessings of this situation has been the only thing that has allowed me to move past all the sad feelings and move forward.

I think I should probably have Dr. Giles address this issue as it comes up often.  And Marianne has talked about writing a book on how to help people know how to reach out to people in a tragic situation.   It sounds like perhaps it could be a joint effort.

Much love to you and yours

Stacie