It has been quite busy around here the last couple days with Family visiting and all the Hospice Team Members making thier initial visits.
To say the least, it gets exhausting sometimes, when you are already tired and then have all the company to entertain and prepare meals for. I guess in a way it is good to keep my mind occupied, but after everyone is gone, there's the clean up etc. Then when I can no longer stand, and try to rest, my mind starts working and doens't let me sleep.
Dad's condition has not changed much, he is still eating very little and vomiting quite a few times a day. On Saturday, we had a problem with him being constipated so bad, I thought we were going to have to call Hospice out. He was in so much pain and discomfort, and it had been 8 days since he last had a bowel movement. We had just started him on Senokot-S, twice daily, but he was already blocked up. I had ran to the nearest drug store to pick up a fleets enema and was back in record breaking time, but he had finally gone. He looked like something posessed by that time. He was soaked with sweat, had vomited all over on top of everything else, and was just wiped out. He had company coming that afternoon, and I wasn't sure how he would be.He drank some soda and finally went and took a nap for several hours.
My oldest brother and his wife came around noon time, and he did get up. He looked much better, and actually was talking and joking like normal. They stayed for about 2 1/2 hours, and then my little sister and her husband came just as they were leaving. They stayed overnight, so he said his hello's and went back to bed for another mega nap. He was able to spend time with them later that evening. Upon awakening Sunday morning, he was complaining of alot of pain, once again his patch was just changed out earlier that morning, and he was having breakthrough pain and then had a bout of vomiting. He took some Oxycodone, and went to try and sleep the pain away. My second oldest brother came to visit later in the afternoon, and we all sat outside on the deck since it was such a beautiful day, and Dad did manage to come down for about an hour or so. You could see in his face that he was still very painful and was just not focusing very well. He finally went back to bed and slept until the next morning. He got up fairly early, and felt much better, once again the pain was under control. He was joking and doing it very well. He took Wooden Match Sticks, and wrapped one of his address lables around them to make a funeral flag, and said that he was going to pass these out to people he wanted to attend his cremation. He said if the incinerator did not ignite, that everyone could light thier matches and get it started. Only my Dad could pull this off, and make people laugh.
Yesterday(Monday) ,he was in good spirits and actually came outside and Dad and I managed to spend some quality time alone for once. Mom had gone to the store,so we were alone. I was able to have my heart to heart talk with him that I never thought I could.
It felt so incredible to finally tell him how much I Love him, and that I don't know what I am going to do without him. We talked of some old times, but mostly, about his cancer and dying wishes. I told him that I would always be here for him and whatever he wanted or needed I would get or do. He told me that he knew all that, and that he Loved me too. You have to understand, that in all my life, I have only heard him say those words but 4 times. I can now hold those words close to my heart forever and know that he meant them. He hugged me and kissed me, and I thought I would just melt away. DAD, I LOVE YOU.
He spoke of his children, children that never call on Father's day or send him a birthday card, and although he says it never bothered him, obviously it does or he would not have bought the topic up. I felt so bad for him, and it is something that has bothered me always.
I understand that everyone is busy with thier own lives and families, but to call every once in awhile or to send a card isn't that much to ask. Thats were my anger lies, because now, when his time here is short, everyone seems to care about what is going on. They all want to know what is happening and what decisions are being made. Well as many of you have said to me, I have to let the anger go, and they all have to deal with thier own guilt. I know in my heart, that I have always been here for my Dad, and will be until the very end.
Mom and I went to the funeral home and made the arrangements, which was hard on both of us. Financially, they have been in trouble for many years, and he only has a very small life insurance policy to cover the cost of the funeral expenses. Not one of his children have offered any financial help to date. Out of site, out of mind. I guess they just figure Steve and I will pay for all of the costs not covered, as we have taken care of them for many years, hence why they live here with us. Steve has been more of a son to him than any of them as far as I am concerned. I will do whatever it takes, to make certain things are taken care of. I also promised my Dad, that we would continue to take care of Mom after his passing.
Sometimes it is all so overwhelming, and it is just beginning.
I guess I have babbled enough again for one night, and thank you for letting me vent some of my feelings. It feels goog to get them out in the open.
Thanks for all your Thoughtfullness,