1 (edited by pauline Mon, 22 Jul 2013 03:35:14)

Topic: My darling, Anthony, it's been three years since you left me.......

Hello darling,
                Three years without you - how can that be possible? What have I done, and what have I become? Sometimes these days it feels that our life together was a dream. The memory of being loved and of loving someone so much, of trusting someone so completely, the companionship, the laughter, the caring for each other.....it all seems so far away now - another time, another world and a happy one.
               I can't really explain what life without you is like. It is becoming harder and harder to express myself. I keep my feelings to myself, I tell people I'm ok, I keep busy and seem pretty normal, I think.
               But, actually, the void you have left in my life is as huge as ever and, as the memories of our happy life become increasingly remote, so the things that fill my life are largely mundane and meaningless.
               I try to avoid thinking of what might have been and of how we now should be enjoying that longed for retirement together. Instead I still focus on next steps, which are generally uninteresting and unimportant. I try not to think about the future and dread the lonely old age that may lie ahead.
              And so to my next steps - a month in Tuscany soaking in the beautiful sadness that for me now fills the landscape around our house. And then? Another autumn, our birthdays, Christmas, another cold hard winter. And what then? More of the same.
              It's very hard to find meaning in all of this without you, darling. I know that the answer lies in the grander scheme of things and, although I still struggle to find a perspective, I will try, in your memory, to begin to make a more significant contribution to society than I do at present. For all you have given me during our years together, you deserve that from me.
            What a wonderful man you were and how I miss you.
                      With all my love as always,
                            Pauline

Here is the poem that closely reflects my feelings this year:

When I too long have looked upon your face,
Wherein for me a brightness unobscured
Save by the mists of brightness has its place,
And terrible beauty not to be endured,
I turn away reluctant from your light,
And stand irresolute, a mind undone,
A silly, dazzled thing deprived of sight
From having looked too long upon the sun.
Then is my daily life a narrow room
In which a little while, uncertainly,
Surrounded by impenetrable gloom,
Among familiar things grown strange to me
Making my way, I pause, and feel, and hark,
Till I become accustomed to the dark.
                                    Edna St Vincent Millay

Re: My darling, Anthony, it's been three years since you left me.......

Dearest Pauline, my heart hears you so well, I understand with everything I have.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: My darling, Anthony, it's been three years since you left me.......

Sweet Pauline & Lainy,
Oh I so relate.  The time passes and the heart is heavy.  There are snippets of joy here and there, but...there is always that "but".  Be well my friends, I hold you in my heart.
Peace be,
Karen

Wishing all God's blessings!

Re: My darling, Anthony, it's been three years since you left me.......

Dear Pauline,

As you know, the feelings you expressed mirror mine.  You have said it well. The poem is so appropriate.  You know I am thinking of you as we travel this road of sadness together.

Some how, we will all get thorough this, one day at a time.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

5 (edited by Lalupes Wed, 10 Aug 2011 04:48:21)

Re: My darling, Anthony, it's been three years since you left me.......

Dearest Pauline, what a beautiful letter & poem to Anthony.

I think of you so often but have been very bad at keeping in touch. I do hope we can meet again soon. Susan is in Marie Curie Hospice on a "rehab" program at the moment, to help rebuild her stamina & self-confidence. She's been telling me that, when she comes home, she wants to arrange a get-together with you.

I've had my second knee replacement & am now walking again. Soon I can throw away the crutches & run to meet you smile

I hope you are having a happy time in Italy & are staying far away from the mayhem in London & elsewhere.

Love Julia x

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Re: My darling, Anthony, it's been three years since you left me.......

Pauline,

I read your story of the three year mark, mine is at 19 months, this has been the hardest months of my life.  Please pardon the mistakes, I still have trouble writing a legible sentence, much less now I have a broken thumb.  I still go to individual therapy once a week, and group hospice once a week, but I still feel so sad nearly all the time.  The hospice group I go to is the one that took care of my Mom, the one for Wayne we only had them 27 hours.  It has been 10 months since I lost my Mom.  The last few weeks seem like they have been worse.  A month ago was my birthday, and two weeks ago was our 37th anniversary.  If some one would have told me years ago to get prepared to one day to be alone I would have thought they were crazy.  Between the mental thing, depression, and the finiancial thing, I'm surprise any of us survive.  How do you prepare for the darkest side of your life?, you don't.  I go to therapy, I feel better usually for one day then the depression takes hold again.  I am on prescriptions for depression, but I can't afford them so I have to go wait in line, to hopefully get approved to get them, right now I am on 14 different medications, and I have been out for a week.  I am off work tomorrow, so I'll try to get approved again, they don't like it because I have insurance, but the deductible is 300.00 a month.  Like I said get prepared, I would have never thought.  Like my therapist said these medications are life or death medicines.  Some days I feel like when I get home from work he will be there, he was home disabled since 1988, then other times I feel I wouldn't remember things without a picture and writing everything down.  Sometimes I try to write and I can't even remember the word that I want to use, most people do not understand.  I believe the harder you love, the harder it hurts.

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate

Re: My darling, Anthony, it's been three years since you left me.......

Dearest Theresa, You describe the hurt very well and all I can add is that I do and I go becasue that is what Teddy would want me to do. You know, heis final words to me were "Be Strong" as that was what worried him the most, he knew that I knew how much he loved me but he wanted me to be strong, always.

Those who are near me do not know that you are nearer to me than they are.
Those who speak to me do not know that my heart is full with your unspoken words.
Those who crowd in my path do not know that I am walking alone with you.
They who love me do not know that their love brings you to my heart.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: My darling, Anthony, it's been three years since you left me.......

So beautifully put, Lainy.  Today is the second anniversary of Gary's passing.  That doesn't seem possible, I feel him with me as closely as ever, but things do begin to get more remote.  I had to buy a new car, there are so many more new neighbors who never knew Gary, etc.  But I continue to remember what an inspiration he was and how he wanted me to continue my life without him.  My prayers to all of you who are also sorrowful.

Live each day to the fullest

Re: My darling, Anthony, it's been three years since you left me.......

I am so sad for you Paulene although I am in the place.
Please don't think that your love is a memory. You speak in the past tense but I can hear the love as I read your message as a real emotion today- unbroken continunity.
To be honest, I don't know why but, it has helped me feel the love I still have in my heart from my husband.

I am not a society but you have contributed to my very lonely evening with your warm words about your darling Anthony.
Be gentle on yourself.