My Husband and Cholangiocarcinoma - Part 2 (Page 14 of 15)

I thought that I'd posted this on this site but can't find it so I apologize, and will post it now.

I have to let everyone know that the funeral for Tom was wonderful, emotional, sad, full of joy, bittersweet. There were a lot of family and friends for the Wake on Friday, and the same for Saturday for the service.

The Deacon that did the service said "When I do a funeral service and see such a large group of people in attendance such as I do today, that tells me that this man was a much loved person who touched many people during his lifetime.

Our grand daughter Kaylah, 16, (from Iowa) sang "Amazing Grace", our daughter Brianne sang "Go rest high on that Mountain" (Vince Gill) and Tom's and my fishing buddy Dennis did the Eulogy.

The Deacon and Dennis are brothers and before Dennis even spoke, Deacon Mike had to get a few 'digs' in for his brother with statements such as "Tom must have been a heck of guy to get a guy like my ugly brother to cry while writing the words he wanted to say" and "I have to pick on him so that he gets mad at me so he won't cry today" and at one point said "Dennis, do I have to pinch you?"

The words that Dennis spoke for the Eulogy are as follows:

I met Tom approximately 16 years ago, you know how you meet some people and they have this smile that makes you feel like you could just hug them? Tom was one of those people. He invited me to join him at Whitefish Lake in Canada for a week of fishing. That became a yearly adventure for 14 years. Tom, I am sorry to have to say this but you were NOT the best fisherman. Marge seemed to always 'out fish' you. Now we pray that you are fishing up in heaven with the best fisherman of them all: Our Lord, Jesus Christ.

I pray that I may live to fish until my dying day. And when it comes to my last cast, I then most humbly pray: When in the Lord's great landing net and peacefully sleep. That in his mercy I be judged big enough to keep. Tom was always there. If that meant driving all the way to Thunder Bay and back for a part for SOMEONE ELSE'S motor; Tom was there.

Our Lord says to Love thy neighbor as thyself. Tom showed all his neighbors love through his deeds. Look at what he did for his family and friends at White Clay Lake.

I feel Tom was the happiest when he reunited with Marge. She became his strength through these hard time. Thank you Marge.

This is a shotened Version of Lina Ellis's (The Dash) if you have already heart it, please bear with me.

I read of a man who stood to speak at a funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on his tombstone. He noted that first came th date of his birth 1947. Then he spoke of the followng date with tears, 2011. But he said, what mattered the most of all was the DASH between the years. For that dash represents all the time that he spent alive on earth. And now we all know what that dash is worth. I believe Tom lived that dash to the utmost as a Husband, Father, Grandfather and Friend.

After the service, there was a processional out to the mausoleum for his interment. The processional was at least 40 cars long. The Military Honors were beautiful, the  gun salute - Three men, three guns and each fired 3 shots.The Taps can do anyone in and the folding of the flag and presenting to the spouse (me) was beautiful. As we watched the casket being lifted into the Crypt I said "And the battery on the lift goes dead" and prayed that it would not. But as they started to lift the  stone to place over the Crypt, the battery went dead, and they had to get a different lift to put the stone in place.

We had a wonderful meal afterwards and told lots of fun stories about Tom and incidents in his life. One of the funniest was the Oyster incident. One of Tom's friends had given him a can of Oysters, which he'd forgotten was in his truck. We were at White Clay Lake where our cottage is and were building an addition for one of the campers. We had a fire for burning all the scrap wood. Tom saw the can of oysters in the truck and grabbed it and threw into the fire. I told him that I didn't think that was such a good idea. Needless to say about 10 minutes later, just as Tom was walking past the fire, we heard a boom and there was my poor Tom with stinky bits of oysters all over his hair, face, shirt and pants. He just stood there with such a funny look on his face! And did he smell awful.

All in all it was a wonderful day, yes, it was sad and bittersweet. My family has surrounded me and although I will have some very sad days, I know that I will find peace and I am proud to be his widow.

Hugs and love to everyone. And you know my Motto: Go with God and KEEP KCIKIN' THAT cancer for my Tommy!

LOVE,
Margaret on behalf of my Tommy.

P.S. My son Gil and daughter Brianne spoke about Tom at the funeral and I will post their words later.

Dearest Margaret, you are wonderful and I just would like to say, don't plan, just do whatever comes naturally and honestly things do start to ease up. I love the way the kids still think of their Papa even though they are much older and I love the way some things hit me lightly and some things hit me so hard as what kind of women would we be if they didn't. I had a total and complete meltdown Thursday morning when I opened ip the Fridge and saw all the prep for Thanksgiving but no Teddy to cheer me on. Sunday night my 3 guests from Milwaukee and I went to our 'favorite'
Italian restaurant and the owner sent over an appetizer for 5 not 4. Then right after dinner I get a call from my Granddaughter as she was driving back to College and she said, "Hi Grandma. I am 40 miles from Campus and I am so sad as I thought about Papa all the way back and I miss him. Then on her Ipod came a song called "I'll Always be With You". These wonderful moments are already happening   for you and that is what gets us through. Take care you are much loved!

Dear Margaret,

Like I've said from the first day I spoke with you, You are SuperWoman. I am sorry to hear you have a blood clot. Where in the world did that come from? I hope you are feeling better. I do think when you go back to work your spirits will lift and take your mind off things. I am sorry you have a difficult time at night. I'm sure Tom is watching over you from heaven and misses you too. I am so glad he is no longer in pain or suffering. Take care Margaret, and hope to hear from you again real soon.

Love, -Pam

Margaret... I am so sorry to hear of the latest developments. Don’t you just wonder at times as to how we are to process all the things happening?   And then we find within us the unexpected resilience to life – nothing set in stone rather, something from deep within us.   

Our Dr. Giles had a profound effect on me when he mentioned the following:

"I would gently suggest to you that the depth of your feelings are a testament to the significance of the place your husband has in your life. The magnitude of your pain and devastation signifies how precious he was to you--and that's a good thing. Please do not hurry through this extremely tender time. Your sorrow is a result of the loss of a good man."

I took that to heart and came to understand that there is no rushing through the pain. With time (there is no limit) I came to understand and appreciate the precious gift my husband was in my life.  With his passing everything changed and it continues to do so.   Looking back I realized that we lived in an ever changing world, but it was a world we mastered “together.”   And, that to me is the absolute greatest loss. 

I have come to understand that the distinct role I played in my husband’s battle with this illness now has also been taken away has left me with a significant slot of time needing to be filled again.  And, therein lays the challenge for us.  It is not that we don’t know how to stay busy rather the question is as to what in life will fill the void left in our hearts and souls. 

I don’t have the magic answer, dear Margaret.  All I know is that in this case time is on our site.  Although the biggest hole in my heart is still void of his presence the little holes that slowly have filled again.  And, for that I am grateful.

In 2007 I had written this posting. 

Dear Macks,

My heart goes out to you, and I so very much understand your pain.  I too have lost my husband, the love of my life.  He passed away February 7, 2007. 

During the last seven months I have experienced different stages of grieving, the disbelief, the yearning, the anger, the depression, until now, finding myself teetering with the acceptance of the reality that he simply will not return.

My yearning for him has not diminished in fact; it has become my constant companion. 

I never knew how to live just …one day at a time ….  This is a new concept,  but much to my surprise, I am doing it. 

I have survived the “first time” of many comings and goings without him although, I still shun certain predictable situations, if possible.

“I don’t know how to live, knowing that you will die”, I remember saying to him once, but here I am 18 months later.

I draw a “blank” envisioning  my life in the future  so I take baby steps….one day at a time although, I have already moved in to the future without him. 

“But Mom, you have us” my oldest son tried to comfort me.  “There is a void no one can fill, the same void I would have, had I lost you” I answered, and that he understood.   

I learned the art of “not thinking about it” so not to despair with the overwhelming pain.

I allowed myself to go on, one step at a time, without having the need to explain my direction while accepting the path I am on.

.  I encountered plenty of these “knee buckling, heart wrenching moments” until it “buckled” no more, reducing to twitches in my heart, filling up ever so slowly with memories of joy and gratefulness for the years shared together, giving me the strengths to move forward, one step at a time.

May your heart begin to heal, one day at a time. 

Hugs and love,
Marion

Dearest Marion, thanks for reposting your posts! They were beautiful and so, so true!

Margaret,

Well, that is a very inconvenient blood clot, it must have been hard to go to a hospital after spending so much time there these past years. The shots don't sound too fun either but they will mend you.

Marion,

A truly lovely reposting, that is the first chapter of the book you are going to write, it is pure poetry.

Patty

Hi Margaret. Had a Gastro visit today and I am 75% better!  Still on steroids (getting migraines from them)until about Christmas time. Oh joy! He also put me on a big dosage of Probiotics to help heal and a Mesecline (sp)? He said it is unusual for someone my age to get it and probably will not get it again. Also said not caused by stress but after the seige begins stress plays a part. I hate to talk potty talk but OMG I can now go to the Store with no stops!!! I have virtually been house bound for months.  Life is beginning again and I have a new found sympathy when I hear someone has colitis! Hope you are doing ok. Time helps and your normal is still way too new. You will know what to do and please believe me when I say, you too will be
ok.  OK is good for a while.

Mary….I wish for a fast-forward button to help you bypass the incredible, painful, time it takes to move through this stage of grieving.  It is said that tears which contain leucine-enkephalin (a brain’s natural pain reliever) are our emotional first-aid.   Try not to hold back - let it out - the pain has to go somewhere – anywhere, but inward. 

Talking helps Mary, may it be with your best friend, a person you trust, someone who can relate due to his/her own experience, our discussion board, a grief counselor, our Dr. Giles or anyone else you know has the understanding and compassion to hear you out.

Take baby steps, one hour, one day at a time.  Don’t rush through this - you are mourning the loss of an incredible man.  And, know that love and time will help you through this.
Hugs and love,
Marion

Thanks Marion and Lainey. I love that story Lainey. The other day my brother-in-law's girlfriend told me she had a dream about Tom. She said me and the kids were raking our yard and cleaning it all up in order to spread his ashes. She was there and she looked up and saw Tom. She said, "hey Tom, what's heaven like?" He said " its wonderful!!" He ALWAYS said "I'm wonderful" whenever anyone asked. She said she just heard his voice saying it like he always did. Of course I broke up but I was glad to hear it and hope it's true. I hope I have dreams like that. So far I really haven't. I've had dreams about him but we're usually young and doing wierd things. Not realistic like that. I'll be okay. I just got some mail from hospice telling about their support groups and social activities. I'll probably check some of them out. I dread Feb. because I'm having my right knee replaced and I'll be stuck at home for weeks before I can drive. Right now I just get in the car and go somewhere if I get depressed. I'm not much of a shopper but I'm actually enjoying that right now. I went to the dollar store yesterday and found all kinds of cool things I didn't have and needed! HA! I just have to stick to the dollar stores. I also bought some wallpaper for my dining room but my kids unanimously hated it so I'm taking it back today. Have a great weekend everyone. I appreciate all of your love and support. Mary

OMGOSH, Mary! Here comes another Teddy story. Your story reminded me. It was about a month after he passed. I was sound asleep and had a dream that I was snuggled in his arm right next to where I was laying in bed.He looked wonderful and we did not talk. I just lay there. Then I looked up at his face and I asked what it was like in Heaven and he said  "It is just beautiful". I slept right through whereas I normally wake up from dreams. It was awesome.
Here is how I see your recuperation from Kneasles! It will give you time to catch up with yourself and to what I hope will be many visits from Tom.
Love the Dollar Store. Today I am taking myself to see the Decendents with George Clooney. It's supposed to be excellent and let's face it who doesn't want to see George? Take care and be sure to let us know how your surgery turns out.

Sorry, Margaret, I am so computer illiterate!

Susie....know that you are not alone.  Know that we understand - know that we can relate - know that you are amongst a group of people with similar situations and, know that you now are part of a fighting team.  That in will give you some comfort.  Life expectancy is a guess only, Susie.  Yes, we know the severity of the situation, but we also have learned to understand for predictions to be well "unpredictable."   And, let's not focus on that.  Let's put the energy in to finding answers.  Have you sought out another, professional, opinion?  Where are you located?  Hang in there, Suzie.  We are in this together.  Others will be around real soon.
Hugs,
Marion