Topic: Decemeber...

I always seem to come here when I need to open up and just unload. Jeff has been gone now for almost 5 months and I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing! I miss him so terribly much and I try so hard to be strong for my 2 daughters, but I just can't figure out who I am without him. Saturday my oldest daughter graduates from college, we are having friends and family over afterwards to help celebrate. It just hurts knowing how proud Jeff was of her and how he should be there Saturday! I hate when I think this way, I just don't even want the holidays to come! It's going to be so hard but I want to be able to be there for my girls. Sorry, this sounds as if I'm completely crazy! Thanks for the outlet! ~Jenny

Re: Decemeber...


You don't sound completely crazy.  You are normal and doing the best you can.  My sons graduation was a few months after my husband passed away and I felt just as you do.   We tried to remind ourselves that although Jim was not there physically, he was there with us in spirit as  Jeff will be there with all of you in spirit and in your hearts. And know that he is very proud of all of you.   

Congratulations to your daughter.  Enjoy the day as best you can.   Take care.  Thinking of you.

Love & Hugs,

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Decemeber..., you are not completely crazy - it is so very difficult to go on without them. There is a certain numbness that comes over us.  And, it seems that we are in motion minus our senses.   Six months is not a long time – in no way can you expect of yourself to have adjusted to your new life - the one you did not want or had anticipated in the first place. 
Looking back I realize that most actions on my part represented me in some kind of motion, without a meaning to it all.  Life goes on and we are swept with it.  You will do it, Jenny – be easy on yourself and let it happen – one day at a time.  Congratulations to your daughter.  This is a big event – Dad is not there in person but he is in everyone’s heart.   
Hugs and love,


Re: Decemeber...

Dearest Jenny, yes it is very hard and sometimes we don't know where our strength to go on comes from. Like I say, this is our new normal. It's been a year for me and honestly it does get a little better. Like Marion says its best to just go with the flow sometimes. Congratulations on your daughter's graduation and Jeff will be there. Please feel free to come here more often we all understand.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain,
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.


Re: Decemeber...

Dearest Jenny,
I'm glad you feel comfortable coming here to express your feelings.  We're here for you - always.

5 months...that's just a grain of sand on the shore.  There is so much going on in your life that you wished to share with Jeff.  His presence is in your heart, soul, and mind. 

Jeff will be with you at your daughter's graduation.  How proud he would be of her, and of you and your family.

Jenny, be gentle with yourself.  You don't sound like you're being crazy.  You sound like someone who loved her husband to the nth degree.  There is no timeframe on grief. 
Love, Diane

Re: Decemeber...


I lost my husband Tom on 11/20/2011 and I still feel 'numb', both mentally and physically.  I go through the motions.  I still have not 'grieved' as I feel that I should.  I have tears now and then but not the total meltdown that I expected.

I think part of that has been because I've always had to be his strong when he was weak.  I had to be his positive when he was negative.  I could not show him my tears because it would make him more depressed.  For three years and 8 months I carried my pain inside, because I knew that he was worried about me and he felt that he was a burden for me, always having to help him and to keep track of his pills, doctor appointments, arranging rides when I could not get off this motto of appearing to be such a strong woman to help him get through everything has apparently been so ingrained in me that now I cannot grieve properly for him!

I don't know where I'll be emotionally after 5 months but I'm sure that it will be par with where you are now.  I've always had to be the strong one in our family of 9 children, because the others were always basket cases, like when our parents passed on.  I was the one who made all the arrangements, etc.  Maybe it's a genetic flaw with me.

I do know that I miss him horribly, my thoughts are constantly about him and I wonder the would of, could of's should of's  and all of the what if's.

I am trying to just be myself, but without Tom I feel like 1/2 a person.  He and I did everything together.

Do as I do and just take it one day at a time.  If you need to cry, then cry.  If you need to wear his sweater or shirt, then wear it.  That is what I do.  I find myself sitting in his chair that he spent many of his last days in.  I wear the fleece that he was wearing when he passed away every day.  I remember all the good times we had together.  Maybe that is my way of grieving.

Go with God and take it one day at a time, one hour at a time or one minute at a time.


Re: Decemeber...

Dear Jenny,
   I agree with all of the above. Having lost my dear husband just 3 1/2 weeks ago I can't even imagine 5 months from now. I , like Margaret, feel numb a lot of the time but fortunately(?), I can cry , a lot, if need be. It's become mainly at night and in the morning but almost anything can bring it on. I hope you find the strength to celebrate Christmas. We are skipping it this year. I feel like I should do something because Tom always loved the holidays but I just can't. You definitely are NOT crazy! Just do whatever you can handle this year and hopefully, for all of us next year will be better. I hate to even go shopping because of all of the Christmas music. I start crying just listening to that. We just have to develop routines that give us comfort and try to feel our loved ones with us. I wish you and your family the best. Congratulations on your daughter's graduation. We all understand, so come here, as I will, when you need to.   Love , Mary

Re: Decemeber...

Thank you all so very much, it is truly such a comfort to be able to speak openly and be understood!
I  feel like we shared the exact experience. I am so very sorry to think someone else had to go through this with the same outcome. I don't know what tomorrow holds but I thank God for this website and the kindness of everyone involved. Thank you!

Love, Jenny