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I am so lonely and so tired. I have had a difficult week of pretending I am fine to everyone. I am not even sure why I prentend- I don't know how to stop.
Time for bed here in UK. I hope the holidays are kinder to you all this week.
Hi CM, I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Boy, do I know how you feel.
Being Jewish I never celebrated Christmas until I married Teddy 17 years ago. He was MR. CHRISTMAS! The home he had (BL..before Lainy) was pictured in the Milwaukee papers several times for his decorations. Here, he had a village that reached the size of 8' x 5' and with levels. It was extremely quiet here as my daughter and Grandkids were gone for 6 days and even though I had 2 invites I had to cancel them as I didn't feel good from this colitis thing. Then I was so taken aback that I heard from no one except Teddy's kids. All of a sudden it was a deafening silence here for 2 days. I blamed my attitude on the steroids I am on but I don't think now that was it as I am ok now. So the weekend I thought would be a breeze was awful. But now, we pick up and we go forward again. You know, when we are down like that, that makes us tired as well. Will you do me a favor? If you don't feel better after New Years please go talk to your doctor, he may be able to help you get over this hump. I know New Years Eve will be better for me as we would be so tired by then we didn't care about celebrating. Take care and I hope you feel better quickly! Love and hugs across the pond.
CM and Lainy,
Please be well. Know you are loved. You don't have to "put on the face" here. Release and let go. Rest and re-new. I know the hole will always be there, that's okay. It is how we are to be right now.
Love,
Karen
Dear CM,
I too feel so lonely and tired, even though I've got a wonderful family I feel I don't want to burden them with my sadness as I don't want to make them feel sad too. I know my Mom is heartbroken and lonely so at times I feel like I've lost my best friend too as I can't tell Mom how I feel, she's got her own emotions to deal with without mine.
Christmas day came and went, and thanks to my son was better than expected but Boxing day I felt like I'd been hit by an emotion train. The tears wouldn't stop flowing, but like Lainy said we pick ourselves up and start again. It's so so hard though and I think perhaps we may be doing ourselves more harm than good keeping everything in. I watched the film Ghost tonight and I feel so much better after a good cry.
Take care x
Andie you watched Ghost? One of my favorites but I am not ready for that. But you brought to my mind Teddys visit to me a month after he passed and if youdon'tmind I have the urge now to repeat it here:
My Family was in town for my Mom’s Funeral and they were all coming over for lunch. I was ready early and sat in Teddy's recliner to watch TV. I looked over at the couch and saw a strange object. I looked away and looked back
and the object started to bounce around on the sofa pillow. I said, “Teddy?”, and it started bouncing all over the pillow. Even darted in and out of the crease where the pillows attached. It did this several times. I said, “Teddy is that you?” The object went crazy jumping all over, then jumped from the couch to the floor and back. It was bronzy gold in color, about 6” high and 5” wide. I would say it looked like an ink blot of a pagoda. It bounced like the ball held to a paddle by a rubber band. The bouncing became so much, I likened it to frustration. I told him I loved him and missed him and it jumped all over the place again. I was trying to figure out what he wanted. Finally I very gently sat on the couch and gently put my hand about 6 inches under the object and it stood still, did a little reverse and then slowly came down and rested on my hand and about 2 minutes later I pulled away, it left. Of course the movie Ghost came to my mind. I took it as Teddy's final goodbye!
Dear CM,
I feel your loss, I understand how you feel. I miss my husband so very much. I try so hard, for my daughters, to be strong. I hear how I'm doing so well but most people don't know how I cry myself to sleep, wake up missing him, cry on the way to work And then home. The only thing that keeps me from going crazy is that I know we will be together again. I am so very sorry for your loss and will keep you in my prayers. Take care!! Jenny
Jenny and CM,
I know how both of you are feeling. I too cry at night and in the morning and whenever the urge hits me. Some days are better than others. I have always been a little skeptical of our loved ones being able to communicate with us but I have honestly had two experiences since my husbands death in November that tell me he is stiil here with us in some form. I feel comforted by that. One night about two weeks ago my son was riding his bike late at night on a local bike trail and decided to lay on a bench and he fell asleep. I heard Tom calling me, just the way he always did if he needed me for something and it brought me right out of a deep sleep at 1:30 in the AM. That was about the time Morgan laid on the bench. I swear it was Tom warning me that something was wrong. I got up and checked Morgan's room and he wasn't home but it wasn't too cold out so I didn't worry too much. Obviously Tom was. The other night he came to me very clearly in a dream and asked me if I wanted to hold his hand or have him hold mine to help my broken heart. I think a lot about holding his hand, he had very big, strong hands and somehow he knew how much I missed doing that. Anyway, we must all find our way in our new lives. It surely isn't easy and I try to put up a brave front too but sometimes it's just not possible. I hope we all can find peace and comfort in time and be able to think of our loved ones without the tears. Take care of yourselves and know that there are friends here to share your grief and problems with. Love, Mary
Ladies, You definately are not alone. I too share the feelings you have all expressed. I lost Jim very quickly in less than 2 months to this disease. He passed away almost 3 1/2 years ago and I still feel as all of you do. Some days are harder than others, but it is always there, just beneath the surface.
some days I do OK and others the feelings just wash over me. There will always be an empty space in my heart. All we can do is continue to put one foot in front of the other and take things as they come, one day at a time. Knowing there are others who share our loss and feelings does help. Everyone take care and know you are not alone. Many of us are right there with you.
Love & Hugs,
Darla
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