Topic: My Wayne

I haven't been here in a while.  I'm still on my med.'s, as long as I am I feel ok.  Christmas was hard, and the New Years wasn't as bad.  I was with my daughter for Christmas.  When I went to my therapist yesterday, I told her that I've still have my tree up.  She asked why?  I said I guess it's like a semi memorial for Wayne.  I have a lot of ornaments of him on the tree.  Around it I have pictures of us, pictures of him, and a picture of us and my daughter at her college graduation.  There's also flowers, poems in frames, and candles.
I guess it makes me feel close to him, is the reason.  In 2 weeks it will be 2 years, the longest two years of my life.  I wish it had been me instead of him, then he would have to pick up the millions of pieces, called a life.  I'm not happy I don't know if I will ever be.  I went to the oncologist Friday to have blood work, a friend of mine was on the other side of the hospital on the in patient oncology unit, I could not go see her.  It is hard enough to go into the oncology doctor's office, different doctor, but to go on that floor where we spent four weeks, is impossible for me.  She also has the same doctor that Wayne had.  I already told my boss that I am taking off on the 17th, she said maybe I need to come to work to get my mind off of what day it is.  Of course, this is a person that has both parents, husband, and children.  I wish to be so lucky.  My last thing hug your love one's, and tell them you love them daily, we know what it's like to go through God to be able to do so.

Love,
Terry

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate

Re: My Wayne

Dearest Terry, I am so glad you posted as about 2 days ago you crossed my mind and I had every intention of putting a shout out to you!
You don't need to make any apologies as to how you remember Wayne! My gosh, I am sure some people think I am totally off the wall with how often I feel I hear from Teddy. I think the tree is a lovely idea and when you are ready you do what you feel. On my dining room mantle I  have Teddy's Urn, our song, "When I Fall In Love" framed, our wedding picture and a huge picture of him watching over the house. Why? Because it makes me feel good!  Two years is not that long and I think you do sound much better than before and that is good. I too am meeting my new ONC today and it is also where Teddy was being treated but that doesn't seem to bother me. Keep doing what you are doing and if you want to take off on the 17th do it! Stay well.
By the way folks, we have a brand new Great Grandson (Teddy's Granddaughter gave birth 12 days ago) and no joke, he is the picture of Teddy and that is not just me thinking that, his kids said it too!!!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: My Wayne

That's terrific, my daughter wants one so bad, she has gone to a few doctors.  No baby yet.  I journal everyday, yesterday I wrote that everyone needs to tell their family I love you, at least everyday.  I can tell Wayne I love you but it's not the same, as being able to look into his blue eyes, and give a hug and a kiss with it.

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate

Re: My Wayne

Terry, Teddy's eyes were blue also. I still find it very hard to talk to him. As strong as I have been about everything else I simply break down when I try to talk to him so I just put the words in my mind but don't vocalize them. Went to my new ONC today and man, the minute I walked in (big office 8 ONCS) all the girls were going, "Oh I remember Salvatore, he was so cute and so sweet". That did it. I couldn't stop the tears. I also told the new ONC I am here if he should get anyone with CC and they would like to talk. He said that as a matter of fact  he had a couple of people. What I am trying to say is that I may be strong most of the time but I do understand what you are feeling. On the Grandchild thing, it will happen when the time is right. Here's to our 'ol blue eyes!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: My Wayne

Hi Terry,  I am so glad you posted this.  I think of you often hoping you are doing OK.  I totally understand and agree with everything you are saying and feeling.   Only those of us who have been through what we have can really know and understand what it is like.  Just keep on doing what gives you comfort, that's what I am doing.   I still have my tree in the living room too.  It is just a small artificial bubble light tree, but Jim loved vintage bubble lights and so do I.  I enjoy sitting her at night watching the lights bubble.  It is so relaxing.

My Jim had brown eyes and I would give anything to be able to look into them one more time and give him a big hug.  You're advice to every to love & hug their loved ones daily is so important.  I hope everyone takes it to heart and does just that.

Take care Terry. 

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: My Wayne

You would not believe, or I think y'all maybe the only ones that would believe.  Thursday night I went to bed as usual, medication for sleep and all.  Well at 3:00 I woke up suddenly to Wayne's voice, he only said one word "Terry", it was so real, and I am positive it was his voice.  So I go to work later that morning, I am so excited that I heard his voice.  I met up with all the unbelievers, of course like I said most of them have not had a major loss.  One told me I hope you didn't answer because gives you bad luck, I lost my husband, and bestfriend, and you go home to yours, and I'll have bad luck.
When I got home next door neighbor, I don't know that well, asked how my day was, I said OK.  He has been going to Bible study, so I told him of my exciting news, this man started to get into my space, I backed up, he came forward, I had my arms crossed, I backed up again, he said he wanted to touch, then he wanted me to look in his eyes, I told him that I was uncomfortable with this I left.  I wondering if Wayne had come to warn me against this pervert.  I haven't had this problem since I was in high school.  The next day I was going to go to my car, I saw him outside in the front yard, I shut and locked the door.  I've had a wall up around me for a long time, the first time I talked to a person I don't really know this happens.  Well I have my wall up, tightened, and nailed shut.  He gave me the creeps.

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate

Re: My Wayne

Terry, do not stop believing! That WAS Wayne calling your name. I don't feel anything was connected to it except that he wanted you to know he is around you. I have awakened twice this past year to Teddy calling my name. Everyone calls me Lainy but he called me Elaine. It was oh, just a whisper, but I know it was his voice! I believe. You have been doing so well, please don't throw your wall back up. Just steer clear of the wierdo. Sounds more like it was a religious thing and for some reason he wanted to touch someone who had been visited by a deceased loved one. You know you can always call the cops if he bothers you more but you have come too far to let him wall you up! Actually perhaps that was Wayne that night letting you know how proud he is of you!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: My Wayne

Lainy, my Wayne had those beautiful also, my daughter has those same blue eyes.  I sitting at work with a picture of my Wayne, on my desk from my daughters wedding.  He missed high school graduation, due to heart surgery, he was in her wedding, and we attended her college graduation together.  Memories, they are ours forever.

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate

Re: My Wayne

You got that right, Terry, no one, nothing can take away our memories. I also have a suggestion for you that has helped me. Since I have had so many "visits" from Teddy I started a log in my computer and dated what all has happened from the day he passed. Every song I have heard played that meant something to us, every light that has blinked and etc. When I feel really lonely I just open up the log and read about how he is all around me and I feel so much better. Here's to Memories.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: My Wayne

Oh Terry, embrace those moments.  I truely believe and have had some similar experiences.   All those others have not been through what we have and have no idea of what we are going through and experiencing.  When I read your post it made me smile. 

Don't block out everyone, just stay clear of that awful neighbor.  When you want to talk or share your experiences just come here.  We all get it.   smile

Take care Terry.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: My Wayne

I miss my Wayne so bad, this week I know is going to be the worse in the year.  Valentine's Day, then Friday 2 years.  Saturday was a really hard night I was by myself like always.  The crying started, the screaming started, and then I found one of his toys, in the top computer drawer.  I've looked in that drawer a million times, never paid attention, to these small knives looking things, in a little thing that goes around your wrist.  I felt them they really feel sharp, so I went down my arm then the other, I felt better soon I stopped crying.  I tried to call my chaplain from my hospice group before I started no answer.  No one but her and my therapist would understand, the hurt I've been going through.

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate

Re: My Wayne

I'm sorry you are still in so much pain. I will pray that you will get through this week. Wayne would not want you to be so sad. My thoughts are with you.

Love, -Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: My Wayne

Dear Terry,

I too understand and so do many others here.  Know that I am thinking of you and share your feelings of loss and loneliness.  Hang in there.  We are all here for you.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: My Wayne

Hi Terry, I understand and I am so very sorry that you are still in so much pain. I am wondering if you have a help line you can call when you cannot reach anyone else?

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: My Wayne

I have a hot line, but it would take so long to tell the story.  I do go to my regular therapist today after work.  My most severe depression, anxiety, and grief comes in the late afternoons.  Usually while at work I don't have time to think.  I do have his picture beside my computer.

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate

Re: My Wayne

Hi Terry. I forgot to ask you what City you live in.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: My Wayne

Terry.....The people on the hotlines are there to listen to us.  Stories never are too long.  Please, reach out - they are there to help.
Hugs and love,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

18 (edited by missingwayne Thu, 16 Feb 2012 07:41:57)

Re: My Wayne

Thanks all, I live in Denham Springs, right outside of Baton Rouge, LA.  Today is Thursday, I cried last night it wasn't as bad as Saturday.  My daughter was going to take off tomorrow to be with me, but last night she told me she couldn't, so I'll have to do this all alone.  Her and I both will be off Monday and Tuesday for Mardi Gras.  I know Tuesday she is going to parades.  Been to one local parade Saturday, it was a home town family parade, there is no way I would go to the other kind.  I'm planning on going to get my medicine in the morning, stop by her work at LSU, I guess I'll go out to eat with me, might take it to the cemetary and have a picnic, that is if it's not rainning.  I will be there at his grave at 4:27 pm.  My group is having a Valentine group thing tonight, I had decided not to go, but after I spoke to my therapist I decided to go.  I try to think about all the good things, but right now all these pictures keep poping in my head of those last few days.  Today was the day they told me we needed to go to hospice, OK I was in such denial.  I don't want to forget those pictures in my mind, but I would like to have the good one's to take over.

Thanks,

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate

Re: My Wayne

Terry....sounds as if things are looking up a bit and I am wishing for it to continue.  Know that we always are here for you and that we will support and love.  But make sure to reach out to the professionals, as they are trained to help with the bigger stuff. 
Hugs and love,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER