Topic: 11 months ago today I lost my mother
The 22nd of each month is a painful anniversary and now it will be my first Christmas without her. My daughter's 5th birthday is Dec. 26th and it will be her first birthday without "Grandma Fifi," her favorite person in the world.
Life goes on for everyone, but not for me. I can't imagine her not being here with me, sharing everything with me. I didn't believe it was possible to feel so alone, so alone, even though I am lucky enough to have wonderful loved ones. My mother, my stepfather, my 15 yr old dog - all gone within 3 years. And my father died a week after my mother.
And now I'm expected to act happy and celebrate Xmas with a bunch of strangers - my husband's family, very nice people but they'll never be family like my mother and stepfather were. All those celebrations in the past are supposed to be swept aside so I can start over but I don't WANT to start over without her. I would give anything to have her back, healthy and whole, with her big Stonehenge teeth and E.T. fingers and sarcastic comments. She and I both found the Christmas season and lack of sunlight depressing - but at least we shared our depression together and had each other and could make each other laugh. Now I'm the last Scrooge standing and I can't ruin everyone's fun by remembering last Christmas and how my mom's eyes started turning yellow that day and I knew it was a very bad sign. She said she was proud of herself for forcing herself to go Christmas shopping, but she had to get something for her kids and granddaughter since it was her last Christmas. And we all told her that it wouldn't be her last Xmas, and I was the only one who really knew that it would be.
My mom and I had such a deep connection that we used to share the same dreams. I was having a series of nightmares when I was in my 20's and she told me I should try to control them with the force of my mind, but I couldn't do it like she could. Then, one night, I didn't have any nightmares and she told me SHE had a dream that turned into a nightmare, and she told the monster in the dream, "You're the monster that's been terrorizing my daughter in her sleep - get lost!!" And I didn't have the nightmares anymore.
Who else in your life can enter your nightmares for you and banish them? How can you ever get over such a loss?
I'm not looking for an answer, I just needed to write some of my feelings down. There ARE no answers, anyway - just this blank void.