26 (edited by Deb_ Thu, 05 Apr 2012 19:31:30)

Re: I'm lost...

Pamela, yes exactly. It's hard to know what to ask people as the mental focus isn't really there these days so it's so much nicer when people just do things instead of making vague promises or saying 'call me'!! We're getting by, bit by bit. It feels like we're stuck in limbo a little bit but some days are okay.

Darla, thanks. Yes, it means so much to be around people who really understand and truly 'get' this limbo that we're in. Some people mean well by trying to gently push us to move onwards or to get out more etc. but really, we need to do things when we're ready, not when they decide we should be ready!

Gerry, thank you very much. I agree that professional counselling is most likely necessary. Today my sons and I met with the counsellor in Marymount Hospice where Diarmuid passed away. She was terrific - she listened and was wonderfully supportive and validated our feelings of anger and frustration. I'm not sure how often we can attend the hospice for counselling but I'll take whatever's available as I do gel well with her and she was there with us when Diarmuid was nearing the end and when he passed away. Down the line, I'll look into more structured counselling too.

Pam thank you. I loved hearing about the nurse and the cheesecake. Those are the little acts of kindness that make all the difference.

My kids had a good day today. They're off school now for the Easter break and life is so much easier without the school schedule. We're still taking things day to day in general but making the most of the good days.

xxx

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." [Henri Nouwen]

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Deb, So sorry to read about your dear husband. I do not have much to add to the beautiful posts you received. I too lost my dear husband 6 months ago and am stumbling forward. I have been surprised to find out who is helping me walk and who has abandoned me. I have certainly learned never say "call me if you need anything" because we won't. With a broken arm this winter I wondered how I was going to manage the snow removal, then everyday it snowed before I left for work my neighbour (one I haven't known that well) would be in my driveway snowblowing me out. Bless him.
I lost my dad suddenly from a heart attack as a teen, so I too can empathize with your children. I suggest family talks with your children recalling stories and times with their dad. Back in my day the subject became taboo for years, never speaking of dad in front of mom.
Your young daughter clinging to you is normal. My youngest (25) recently told me she is terrified of something happening to me and is anxious about an upcoming trip I am taking for 10 days, because she sees me nearly everyday. (I am anxious, too!).
The road will get smoother as time goes by put you will still hit bumps and potholes.
Hugs and best wishes for healing to you and your beautiful children. Nancy

Loving my husband from afar.

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Thanks Nancy. I really appreciate your kind words and I am dearly sorry for your tragic loss too.

What a very kind thing your neighbour did, helping you out by clearing that snow. I find too that those I would have expected nothing from have rallied around and those I would have assumed would be there day and night have disappeared. It's an odd phenomenon but one I'm slowly learning exists for many, if not most, bereaved people.

It's wonderful that your daughter cares so much and it's great that she can express her fears to you, rather than keeping it locked in.

Yes, I try to talk about him all the time and the boys are very receptive to this. He was such a witty person that there are a multitude of funny stories to talk about. My little girl is not yet ready to talk about him openly. We have to be gentle about it but I do hope that she will open up and talk freely soon. She's no doubt trying to block out the pain and only able to let it in little by little.

Thanks again Nancy xxx

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." [Henri Nouwen]

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Deb, It is so hard to know the "right thing" to do isn't it?  Sounds like you are very in tune with your kids feelings and I understand how an 8 year old would be different than a teen. Though, we all grief differently don't we? Sounds like you are holding your family together well. My heart goes out to you and your children. Happy Easter. Hugs. Nancy

Loving my husband from afar.

Re: I'm lost...

Deb-
I printed out loads, (and loads) of photos of my husband, our daughter and I for my little girl to cut and stick. She is much younger than your girl but she enjoyed making stick puppets and cutting out our faces and sticking the three of us on pieces of card.
It might be a nice thing to do if your daughter is into crafts. I also have plain pots we are going to paint together and plant seeds for "daddy flowers".
It continues to allow her a way to say the word, "daddy" withou it being so directly related to him- if that makes any sense at all.

I am very lonely here tonight too.

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My husband was diagnoised July, 2009, he went to see Jesus Feb. 17, 2010.  I know I had him longer than you, the sadness is overwhelming.  Our doctor never even told us it was stage 4.  He sent a different doctor to tell us he needed to move to hospice.  I don't remember a lot about those days, we had stayed a month in the hospital, and 27 hours at hospice.  I am still in therapy, I have clinical depression, I go once a week.  I also go to hospice group, it's not even the same hospice, this is the one my Mom used 9 months later.  They for the most understand, most have been thru it.  I still cry every night, and on medication, that's just to get me through the day.  My therapist yesterday did say, she could see some changes, that I'm thinking about me at least a little.

Love to my Wayne for 36 years
I'm not a widow, I am a wife
We are only apart for heaven's sake
You are waiting for me at heaven's gate

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Hi, Theresa. I would say that is a bit of good news, that the Therapist feels she sees you getting better! I am always so glad to see your updates. Keep up the hard but good work, it is going to take time. You never know how strong you are until "strong" is the only choice you have!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

33 (edited by Deb_ Mon, 23 Apr 2012 15:58:00)

Re: I'm lost...

CM,

What a wonderful idea to include photos of her Dad in arts and crafts. Down the line, when it's not as raw, I will definitely do something like that but what most appeals to me is your idea of the "Daddy flowers". Aisling, my daughter, is so interested in planting and gardening. And this year especially we are planning on doing lots of indoor planting as our hyperactive mischievous dog has turned the garden into a scrap yard! We will do some Daddy Flowers, how wonderful. xxx

MissingWayne,

I can feel your pain and I am so very sorry that you too are going through this deepest of sorrows. My heart goes out to you. I honestly don't think most people understand a fraction of what we're going through, unless they've been there or they are extremely empathetic, as many on this board are. It is the deepest most cutting pain combined with anger and confusion.

I admire you for embarking on and sticking with therapy and the hospice group. I need to do something similar. I never seem to be able to make that more, not yet anyway. I did speak to the hospice counsellor with the boys and she was terrific but I need to set up regular sessions with her or someone else. It's hard to get anything done though. It's like walking through sludge isn't it?

We have quite a bit in common. I have suffered from depression for many years too so, of course, that in combination with this bereavement leaves me in a vulnerable state. On the other hand, I do think that we have perhaps an understanding of our innermost feelings and fears that maybe others don't have. Maybe I'm wrong about that but I feel it. So at least we are in touch with our feelings, as painful as those feelings are.

Best of luck to you and hang in there.
Deb xxx

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." [Henri Nouwen]

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Hi Deb,

You are not wrong.  I totally agree with you.   As painfully as it is, we do have more of an understanding than most of our inner most feelings and fears and also those of others who have  suffered a great loss as we have. In some ways it is comforting.

Take care ladies, thinking of you and sharing your feelings.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

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Thank you Darla,

Well today is a big milestone and a day of mixed emotions! My eldest child (er, adult now!), turned 18 today. 18 years since he came into the world and his Dad and I fell head over heels in love with him from the first moment we laid eyes on him. Diarmuid would have been so proud. I still can't believe he wasn't here to see his eldest child reach adulthood. Such a cruel loss.

But I am grateful that my son is healthy and he's a good kid and is following in his father's footsteps musically. He's a very talented young man.

Thankfully he didn't want to have a party or even a small gathering. At first I thought it was a shame but sometimes I think kids have more sense than parents because I am now so relieved I'm not trying to organise a big bash. I'm way too tired. I made him a Mars Bar cheesecake, his favourite. Well, mine too! I ate half of it. It's nice, just the 4 of us here, together. Lonely but happy too.

xxx

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." [Henri Nouwen]

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Uh, excuse me Deb, but I believe there were 5 of you at the Birthday Celebration. Diarmuid was in another room but he was there. The years fly by so fast and you wonder where they went. My daughter is sending her 3rd off to College this August and we were just talking about that this morning. At least we still have the baby (15 1/2) to keep us company. Happy Birthday to your son. You crossed a big milestone and you did it just as your husband would have wanted. Everything becomes so bittersweet as we learn to live our new normal.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

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Mars Bar Cheesecake??? Oh, how I wish I'd been there ... smile

I love your signature-quote, Deb.

Jxx

"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician."

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What a bitter sweet day Deb_ your eldest turning 18years. Take care of yourself.
All my best,
CM

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Deb.....I love your posting.  We do move on - not quite the way we had envisioned - but on we move.
BTW:  What is a Mars Bar Cheesecake?
Hugs,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

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Lainy, thanks. It certainly is nice to think of him being with us in some manner. This 'new normal' takes some getting used to.

Thanks CM and Lalupes!

Hi Marion, thank you. Are Mars Bars available in the U.S.? They're a very popular chocolate, nougat and caramel bar! But the cheesecake is just delicious. You make the cheesecake like any other one but you also add home made caramel and chocolate to it plus big chunks of Mars Bar. It's scrumptious!!! Here's a pic:

http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f258/DebIreland/Cheesecake.jpg

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." [Henri Nouwen]

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Deb,

I agree with Lainy.   Diarmuid was surely right there with you all in spirit.  That cheesecake does look scrumptious.   Makes me think of making one.  Unfortunately I would probably eat it all.    Glad you and your family found a way to celebrate that was comfortable for all of you.  Take care.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

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Deb...this is one of the "sweetest" postings to date. Looks yummy, yummy.
I must say that I am the most computer challenged person on this board.  Never would I have been able to post this picture. 
Pretty remarkable; kudos to you, Deb.
Hugs,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

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Hi Deb,

Wow!!! Homer Simpson moment for me with all the drooling when I see that pic of yours! That looks amazing, much yumminess indeed! Mars Bars I love and I would have never thought of making a cheesecake out of them! But then again, some people in Scotland like their Mars Bars covered in batter and deep fried which you can get from some of the chippy's here........

Hugs to you,

Gavin

Any advice or comments I give are based on personal experiences and knowledge and are my opinions only, they are not to be substituted for professional medical advice. Please seek professional advice from a qualified doctor or medical professional.

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Thanks Darla, Marion and Gavin.

Gavin, the cheesecake is out of this world and absolutely simple to make. You'd love it. My closest friend is married to a lovely man from Edinburgh so I've heard all about the deep friend Mars Bars. Apparently you can get deep friend cream eggs now too. Yikes!

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." [Henri Nouwen]