Hi Friends...

Hi Mary,
I think of you all the time.  It's understandable that you are grieving for Tom.  It hasn't been that long.  Are you sleeping o.k?  Grieving is hard work and can be so exhausting. 

When I was first diagnosed and went through surgery, I closed myself off to my friends, determined not to be a burden or a "downer".  And my friends all backed off.  But I was so sad inside.  It has taken me a long time to ask for help or a shoulder to cry on but it helps me so much to reach out.  Maybe that is what is happening with your friends?  I think counseling is always a good idea.  Mary, you will get through this difficult phase of life and find a new way of life without Tom.  Life is unpredictable.  You never know what the future holds in store for you.  Be gentle with yourself.  Please keep writing.  I've missed you!

xxoo
Betsy

Dear Mary,

Don't have much to add to the good advice that has already been given.  Just want you to know you are not alone.   I too feel like you and some days it is a real struggle.   And yes, everyone thinks I am just fine.  I am so strong and doing so well.  They have no idea.

Jim and I had a life much like your's and Tom's.  We had 45 good years and I am grateful for that.  I know that is much more than most people every have, but it doesn't make it any easier.   We really thought we would share many more.   

I have been fortunate to have become very close friends with someone who also lost her husband 3 months after Jim passed.  They too had a life much like ours.  We keep in close contact and  we both know how the other is feeling and what we are going through.   We can share our thoughts and feelings and truely know and understand.   

Coming here and letting out your feelings does help.   It doesn't take away the sadness and loneliness, but it helps to get it out and to know there are others who care and understand.

Take care Mary.  Know that I am thinking of you and struggling to figure out where I am going with what is left of my life, too.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

Hi Mary,
All I can say is I totally relate.  Any adivse after 3 years....nope!  Some days are not as bad as others, but it is definately an effort to be in a "good" place mentally, emotionally.  Rob is still "around" leaving messges of encouragement and love, but it is not the same and never will be again on the earth plain.  We also had done everything together for 37 years and I had begged him that we could do the next (last) step of our life's journey together - at which he said I had to stay here for our family.  I do feel an inner peace along with the gigantic hole in my heart.  Sending you love and healing energies Mary.  Be well.
In peace,
Karen

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all of your support. The hard part of my life right now is I'm busy with my business that Tom and I did together in one way or another all these years and I don't see him around on the tractor, he doesn't come in to the greenhouse to rub my back when its sore from transplanting, he doesn't sit on the porch and take a tea break with me. It's just a really hard time of year and probably always will be. In a few weeks I'll have to wait on people 7 days a week and explain to some that Tom is gone and hear condolences from others and honestly I did better right after his death than now. Now I get really emotional and I hate tearing up and struggling in front of people. Plus we have several family events with people that I haven't seen since his death and it will be more of the same. My two brorthers that lost their wives the past 4 years are supportive but they both are messes each in their own way so I can't look at them and get a positive feel for the future. I did go out to dinner with a widow, her husband actually died a few days after Tom and I think we just depressed each other! Lainey I think the drugs they gave me after surgery actually helped my mental state. It seems like I've been worse since being off them. My best girlfriend of course is married and has been as supportive as she knows how to be. She tells me about all of the things, trips etc. that she and her hubby are doing and I don't think she even realizes what effect that has on me. I just tell her how great it is that they can do all of that and it is, they're very lucky! I had another neighbor friend  tell me the other day that she couldn't imagine what I was going through and I just said no you really can't. I told her I thought that I could imagine what it would be like but it is 10 times worse than I imagined.
   I will be alright. I appreciate being able to vent on here. I'm sure I will find someone down the road that I can talk to freely. There are a lot of widows around here unfortunately. I will be so busy in a few weeks so I'll just collapse into bed and not have time to feel sorry for myself hopefully.
I will be in touch Lainey. I'll get through May then I'll give you a call when you're settled into your new home. By the way I've actually been laughing and telling people about Teddy giving you signs by winking the lights on and off. My son and I have decided Tom is telling us things too electrically. Lightbulbs keep popping, we've replaced two starters and a battery in our vehicles, the thermostat on one of our furnaces went out yesterday. It seems like one electrical issue after another. I think he's telling me to sell this crazy farm and move to Costa Rica!! That's what he wanted to do! Well take care all. I'm at the library and they're going to shut the lights off in a minute. I'll keep in touch. It was nice hearing from all of you!  Love, Mary

Mary,

I too have gotten many signs that Jim is still with me.  Mostly electrical in nature.  I also am running the business we shared, alone now.  I reopened 2 weeks after he passed away as I knew the longer I waited the harder it would be, so I just did it.  In some ways it is comforting and in others very hard.  There were some rough days and even now I will have someone come in who I haven't seen since he passed and it is still hard at times.  Only those who have been through what we have know what it's like and what we are dealing with both mentally and emotionally.

My friend who's husband passed a few months after Jim and I share so much with each other and find it comforting, not depressing we seem to be good for each other.  I'm hoping you can find someone who can be helpful, supportive and understanding to you and you to her.  Pick your friends wisely and hold close the ones that you are comfortable with.

My heart goes out to you as I know exactly what you are feeling.  I read your posts and am nodding my head in agreement with everything you say.

All I can tell you is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and deal with things as they come.  There are a lot of ups & downs and just when I think I have it all under control  something comes along and knocks my feet out from under me again.  I just pick myself up and start again.  Sometimes it is one step forward, two steps back, but all we can do is keep moving on.

I have come to realize that what all of us are going through is normal for us under the circumstances.  It is what it is and all we can do is keep trying and doing the best we can with the hand we have been dealt.

Costa Rica sounds good to me, too. 

Take care Mary.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

Hi again Mary,

The universe certainly works its' magic...I read this just this moring and it seemed to speak to so many of us that I thought I would share.....

"I can elect to change all thoughts that hurt.  Loss is not loss when properly preceived.  Pain is impossible.  There is no grief with any cause at all.  And suffering of any kind is nothing but a dream.  This is the truth, at first to be but said and then repeated many times; and next to be accepted as but partly true, with many reservations.  Then to be considered seriously more and more, and finally accepted as the truth.  I can elect to change all thoughts that hurt.  And I would go beyond these words today, and past all resversations, and arrive at full acceptance of the truth in them."

It may be way too early in your grieving process to consider these words, but maybe they will come back to you later when the time is right.

In peace,
Karen

HI and gosh and gee, Marylloyd. How excellent to hear from you and that you are doing well. I know that Tom is so very proud of you! I think you are doing just fine. Teddy has been gone 1 1/2 years now and I wonder where the time goes. I still have my crying moments but they are happy tears with the good memories. One day you will know when you are comfortable with taking your ring off. It doesn't have to mean you are single in that sense of the word. Sometimes I wear Teddy's band as a thumb ring. Guess I could do a toe ring as well but never wanted him to think I was walking all over him ! A little humor there LOL.
You know I am one of the big believers and I have a log I started when T passed. When I am lonely I read the log. There are over 50 entries and I kept them very short. I decided for Father's Day I am sending it out to Family and Friends as I feel it got me through this past 16 months. BTW if anyone wants to see all the visits I would be happy to send it out.
You just keep on doing what ever it is you are doing, be strong but allow the "good" tears to come once in a while. Miss you and take care.

Happy to hear from you again, Mary. Sounds like you are doing ok. I hope things get easier for you in time. All the best to you.

We would love to meet you, Mary. We live about 5 miles from North Canton. Maybe lunch at Grinders in North Canton or something. We've only been to lunch with Betsy once because she lives kind of far, up in Cleveland somewhere. But she is such a nice lady. It's weird how you form an instant bond with all the CC people when you meet them. Lauren is doing well. We are a little nervous because she just had a CT Cholangiogram today. We will get results tomorrow. Take care.

Love, -Pam

I would love to meet up with everyone again and to meet you Mary!  So glad you have a new puppy.  Dogs are wonderful companions and do so much to ease the sadness of being alone.   

I don't mind making the trip to Grinders.  Let's pick a date!

Betsy