Topic: YOUNG WIDOW

HELLO

EVERYONE,

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR POSTS, I FIND IT AS A RESPITE AND QUITE CALMING IN ALL THAT HAS GONE ON IN THE LAST YEAR.. I LOVE READING THE STORIES, I LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT THE 45 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, BUT WHAT DOES SOMEONE 45YRS OLD DO WHEN THERE YOUNGEST SON GRADUATES FROM HIGH SCHOOL AT THE SAME TIME OF THE HUSBANDS MISERABLE DEATH FROM THIS HORRIBLE DISEASE. AUGUST 25 2012 WILL BE ONE YEAR. EMPTY NEST AND WIDOW IN THE SAME YEAR...

I FEEL SO YOUNG AND SO OLD AT THE SAME TIME.  I NEVER EXPECTED TO BE A WIDOW, AND THE WAY THAT SOUNDS IS SO HORRIFYING AT A YOUNG AGE..

I MISS MY GREG SO MUCH, HAVING A HARD TIME MOVING ON, THE THOUGHT ABOUT EVEN DATING AND MAKING A NEW LIFE FOR MYSELF IS SO SCARY, BUT I DONT WANT TO BE ALONE AND I DONT  HAVE ANY IDEA HOW TO MOVE ON.. ANY SUGGESTIONS???
 
JILLY

Re: YOUNG WIDOW

Dearest Jilly, guess everyone has their own time frame and what fits best for them. Even though I was 'only' 66 when Teddy passed our marriage was quite young, 16 years and truly the love of a lifetime. All of our kids even say now how they loved to be a part of our love.  I started entertaining myself by joining a dating site for age appropriate considering my age now of 72. Sadly, I found nothing in a year now but it is entertaining. Guess I would suggest if you belong to any religious affiliation to see if they have any groups. I know many cities also have net working groups that can be interesting. Perhaps most important would be to find some single gal pals. I do go out to Karaoke Clubs  and as a group it is an easier way when there are a few women involved. There is no hurry, start slowly. I have even reached a point where I will go to a movie alone. I also just switched doctors and am now going to our new MDAnderson in Phoenix. I want to volunteer there once a week because...guess what? There are some little Grandpas who volunteer. Ya, never know.  You will know when you are ready and then you can give me some hints!
P.S. I know the empty nest thing as my daughter is sending off her 3rd of 4 this week to College and she is 50 and going nutso! You have come a long way and your husband would want the same as mine...for us to be happy.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: YOUNG WIDOW

Dear Jilly-
I don't have much to say- I am a young widow, only 33 years. I am 1 year into this journey. I log into a widow discussion site often- today there is a post about living alone which I liked. I think what we should try to do is- be alone and create some happiness from that to start. For me- I need to regain some happiness from within. I cannot go through loosing everything again dependant on anyone else. If you can do that first maybe the rest will follow for you.
All my best as always

HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF BEING HOME ALONE
DO...enjoy your 'me-time' rituals - a scented bath on Sunday evening, a good wine at the end of the working week.
DON'T...become so stuck in your ways that it becomes too much hassle to go out on Saturday night when you're happy in your PJs watching Breakfast at Tiffany's.


DO...glory in having sole control of the TV remote.
DON'T...find yourself repeatedly dozing on the sofa at 1am in front of an episode of CSI.


DO...use your home to entertain - at least once a month invite a bunch of friends round for drinks.
DON'T...keep your home as a sacred space, so intolerant of disruption that you secretly resent visitors.


DO...remember that you are part of a community. Those who live alone most successfully tend to reach out to those who live close by.
DON'T...rely too heavily on work colleagues for your social life. Aim to garner friends from many different backgrounds.


DO...cook yourself delicious meals and eat from your best china or dine al fresco when the weather is warm.
DON'T...rely on snacks or ready-meals because 'what's the point when it's only me?'.

DO?snuggle up in bed all day Saturday reading if that's what you feel like doing.
DON'T?do the same thing on Sunday. Variety in every aspect of our lives is the secret to feeling that life is stimulating.


DO?stay up until dawn reading, writing, painting, listening to music - whatever makes you feel alive. When you live alone?you can!
DON'T?cram activities into your diary because you fear being lonely. Relax into solitude and cultivate your creativity. It is no coincidence that many great female artists have chosen to live alone.


DO?spend time with people you love and like - you have no one's opinion to worry about but your own.
DON'T?waste a minute worrying about people who see the world only in terms of couples and make you feel slightly odd for choosing to live alone.


Copied from a DailyMail article

Re: YOUNG WIDOW

Dear CM, this is an excellent article and it applies to any of us who are trying to adjust to our new normal. Thank you so very much for posting this!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: YOUNG WIDOW

Dearest Jillian,  I lost my husband 11 months ago today at 54 and feel like a young widow, too. I am the first of my friends and family to be widowed. We were already empty nesters. It is tough! My kids and family keep me busy, sometimes too busy that I get exhausted. The hardest for me is going to bed and waking up alone, and then there's seeing everyone else with their partners. My mom was widowed at 47 when I (the baby of the family) had just graduated from high school. Now I have seen and felt it at both ends (daughter, wife).
I haven't been much help to you so far! Are you working? I work at the Secondary School here. It is actually a life saver for me. I have been off for the summer so am actually finding it harder, though am enjoying the weather and am not looking forward to winter.
I to think, am I going to spend the next possibly 30 or more years alone? Don't like to think about it. Sometimes I think I would sometime want to meet someone but most of the time I can't imagine it. Guess we will find what life brings us. It is still so new for both of us. Wish we lived closer so we could meet! Where do you live anyhow? I am in a small town in the mountains of British Columbia. Hugs to you. Nancy

Loving my husband from afar.

Re: YOUNG WIDOW

Jilly,
I understand how you feel. I lost my wife, Nancy, almost 2 years ago. We were both 49 and had been married for 27 years. I am constantly torn between wanting to move on and start dating, but feeling as though I am still married and being disloyal to Nancy. I have checked out dating websites, but I can not bring myself to contact anyone. I was lucky enough to have a great wife for 27 years, maybe that should be enough. My days are busy with work, family and friends, but when I'm alone at night or driving by myself or on Mother's Day or just about any other minute, I really miss her. I guess I'm just waiting for my heart to tell me it's ok to move on and that hasn't happened yet. Like you, I don't want to grow old alone. But right now, I'm probably not ready to be a couple with someone new. You're probably not either if you have doubts. Give yourself some more time and enjoy all the moments you can, because as everyone on this site knows, Life can throw you a curveball. Maybe we just need someone or something to tell us it's okay to move on with our life.

Steve

Re: YOUNG WIDOW

Hi Jilly and all of above,
  I, like Nancy, considered myself to be a young widow at 54 when my husband of 32 years passed away in November. My oldest son , who is 28 lived with me until this past Friday. I'm actually really ready to live alone and move on as much as possible now. I was glad to have his company and he helped me with my business this first year without my husband but I feel it's time.  This is the first I've lived alone for over 33 years and it seems very strange. I appreciate the article above. It has some really good advice. Personally, I have set myself goals that I want to achieve and listed projects to finish to keep myself busy. Keeping busy seems to be the best medicine for my loneliness. I have a new 4 1/2 month old shepherd puppy so I spend a lot of time walking and playing with her and that helps with my goal of wanting to lose weight, plus she is very entertaining and a good companion. I am having knee surgery the end of October so I'm going to try and get my house totally cleaned before that. I was waiting for my son to move out before I started that chore. I know I'll feel better when I accomplish that. Then, when I recover from my surgery and get through the holidays I'm going to make a conscious effort to become more social. I'm not sure exactly what that entails but I'm going to do some volunteer work maybe start going to church again, join some groups, maybe even go on a date. Who knows? I just know I don't want to sit by myself night after night for the next 25-35 years? so I have to make the effort myself. I know it will be really hard, I actually cry quite often when I even think about dating etc., I just want my Tom back but since that isn't going to happen I know I have to try and move on. We'll all get through this in our own way. I have two brothers that lost their wives in the past 4 1/2 years. One started dating pretty quickly, before he really had a chance to grieve and  that caused him some problems. He has a new girlfriend now that he is serious about. My other brother lost his wife 2 years ago and kept saying he wasn't interested in dating but ran into an old high school friend a few weeks ago and she obviously changed his mind! I just believe things will happen when they are meant to. We just have to be patient. Everyone take care. I hope we can all find happiness again. Best wishes, Mary

Re: YOUNG WIDOW

Hi Marylloyd, I have tears from your post as I know how far you have come. It does take time and everyone's time frame is different. You know how much I heard from Teddy for a year and the last 4 months have been almost nothing. I really believe that he wants me to move on, it's time. Will you please remind us when you go for surgery to take care of your kneesels? I am so very proud of you! Sending huge cyber hugs.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: YOUNG WIDOW

Hi Lainey,
   Tom has been quiet lately too. The first 6 months we had some really strange things happening. The only explanation was that he was causing them- I still feel that way. I had to make a decision about whether to sell my farm a few weeks ago. That caused me a lot of stress. I decided that I couldn't. Tom and I first saw each other right here on our farm. He was walking along the road in his knee high gum boots, shirtless, with cut off bib overalls , his wild black curls bouncing, tanned and I thought pretty sexy!. I drove by in my little blue honda civic and we kind of gave each other a good look. I had just moved back to my parents home on the neighboring farm and a few days later he showed up as I was getting home from work and asked if I had seen his cows. A few were supposedly missing. I said no but that we would let him know if we did. He called me that night and asked me out! That was 33 years ago. Our thirty second anniversary would have been this Friday. Since making the decision to stay put I actually have felt a lot better about things. I know he is probably trying to tell me I'm crazy, but I just can't move. Our entire life together was spent here, from the beginning to the end. Anyway, this place gives me lots of projects and right now thats a good thing. I feel like I've rounded a corner where I can actually see the future and feel like I'm going to be alright. I'm having my surgery on November 6. Then I'll have twogood knees and maybe be able to keep up with my pup! She drags me around now.
      Take care Lainey. I know your are doing fine and Teddy knows that too! I do miss all of the flashing lights etc. but I do think it makes it harder to move ahead. Maybe that why our boys have quieteddown. I think Teddy taught Tom all of his tricks!! I'll talkto you soon.   Love Mary

Re: YOUNG WIDOW

Mary, I know you made the right decision for now and you will know when it is time to think about it again, down the road. As long as you can run the Farm more power to you, girl. I love your "meet TOM" Story, a man who knew what he wanted. So, were there really cows missing or was he just making his moooooves? Teddy and I met at a club where age appropriate  would go to dance on Friday nights, to a live band. He asked me to dance, I did, then a man I had just started dating walked in. So, Teddys sister came up to me and said, "my brother thinks you are so cute would you dance with him again?". I said, "oh thank you but this guy I have been dating just walked in and I don't want to start something". I dated Byron for 9 months (no one liked him LOL) and Teddy started dating another woman. I broke up with Byron and 3 months later T broke up with her and we got together in August. First date September, engaged Xmas and married in July with a big wedding. Aw! Such good memories, yes? Take care.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: YOUNG WIDOW

That's pretty cute Lainey. I never used that one before but I think he was definitely putting the 'moooves" on me. Anyway about this dating business. I  I really am not ready. I've had two guys "hitting?" on me this week. One actually asked me out. They seem too old. Tom was 9 years older than me but he seemed and looked a lot younger. I never liked dating back in the old days. I was so glad to meet and fall in love with Tom. I just can't imagine going through all of that again!! Its too soon anyway but when I do feel ready I just hope I find someone I really like and that's it. Wishful thinking I'm sure. Have you found anyone interesting yet? It would be nice to just have someone to go places with and have fun. Take care, Mary

Re: YOUNG WIDOW

Mary, I have been on a site for age appropriate men for a year and no have not found anyone yet. I have had a lot of "hits" but honestly so many are such losers.  At 72  I don't want to get married just would like to have a male companion. A lot of these guys post a picture where they are wearing dark sunglasses and baseball caps and wife beater undershirts! With that said an interesting man wants me to call him, also from the site. I like his look, well Robin and Teddy's daughter liked his look, but told him I was out of town for 2 weeks, which I thought I was going to be, but had to cancel my trip to see my son today due to the UC. So, here I sit 20 LBS overweight from the Prednisone (the GI just gave me another blast of it ) my face is so out of porportion my makeup goes on like a clown, no, wait, a clown could do it better and I don't want to meet someone like this. At the very least what do I say? Hi, I'm Lainy but what you see is NOT me? Anyway, with all that said, I do find it entertaining. It's called SeniorMeetUP.com and it's only $20 a month. Normally IF I was feeling better I would be out dancing where Seniors go and also Kareoke Bars. Both good places to see and be seen. For me, I find it easier to just think in terms of someone nice to do things with. You will know when you are ready. The very fact that you would like to meet one person without going through the dating thing, tells me you are almost there. There is no time frame. We both met our boys when we were least expecting. Guess I compare these guys to Teddy too much, at least that is what my ONC says! LOL What was, was and no one will EVER take away our memories but life does go on and is for the living.  Wish I had the guts Kris has! I used to. You do realize now that our CC family is going to be watching us to see what develops!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: YOUNG WIDOW

Thanks for the response Lainey and the laugh, although I'm worried about you and your health issues. Sorry you couldn't go on your trip. Exactly what is going on with your UC? I'm not familiar with that disease at all. You are exactly right about comparing everyone to Teddy and Tom. That is exactly the problem and probably always will be. I'm really not in the dating mode yet. That's why I don't want anyone to even ask. I have my own plan and timetable set. It may or may not happen as planned, time will tell! My single son says dating is a minefield! He's been broken up with a long time girlfriend for 18 months and he hasn't found anyone serious yet. Just cuddlebuddies- that's what he calls them! I honestly can't imagine!! Take care Lainey! I hope you feel better soon. Do you have to stay on the prednisone or is it just temporary? Talk to you soon. Love, Mary

Re: YOUNG WIDOW

Well, Mary, this is not CC but seems I have had it for about 25 years but it was never diagnosed as such until after my 5 years as a caretaker. That really seemed to have burst it forward. Mind you I would go through what I did and the others do again just to take care of my little guy. I let it go (OMG, not to make a pun) for too long when it really broke through. Yeah, yeah, me who gives advise! The only thing I can take is Prednisone but I have been on it for 10 months. In July and again now, my GI has given me a huge blast of Prednisone. The problems are that I have every side effect there is and if I go off of the Dreadnisone as I call it, the UC comes back full force. Guess it beats cancer but don't like being a prisioner in my home. Think I will write a best seller on what bathrooms to use across the States and which are the best! Thanks for asking!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.