YOUNG WIDOW

Dear Jilly-
I don't have much to say- I am a young widow, only 33 years. I am 1 year into this journey. I log into a widow discussion site often- today there is a post about living alone which I liked. I think what we should try to do is- be alone and create some happiness from that to start. For me- I need to regain some happiness from within. I cannot go through loosing everything again dependant on anyone else. If you can do that first maybe the rest will follow for you.
All my best as always

HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF BEING HOME ALONE
DO...enjoy your 'me-time' rituals - a scented bath on Sunday evening, a good wine at the end of the working week.
DON'T...become so stuck in your ways that it becomes too much hassle to go out on Saturday night when you're happy in your PJs watching Breakfast at Tiffany's.

DO...glory in having sole control of the TV remote.
DON'T...find yourself repeatedly dozing on the sofa at 1am in front of an episode of CSI.

DO...use your home to entertain - at least once a month invite a bunch of friends round for drinks.
DON'T...keep your home as a sacred space, so intolerant of disruption that you secretly resent visitors.

DO...remember that you are part of a community. Those who live alone most successfully tend to reach out to those who live close by.
DON'T...rely too heavily on work colleagues for your social life. Aim to garner friends from many different backgrounds.

DO...cook yourself delicious meals and eat from your best china or dine al fresco when the weather is warm.
DON'T...rely on snacks or ready-meals because 'what's the point when it's only me?'.

DO?snuggle up in bed all day Saturday reading if that's what you feel like doing.
DON'T?do the same thing on Sunday. Variety in every aspect of our lives is the secret to feeling that life is stimulating.

DO?stay up until dawn reading, writing, painting, listening to music - whatever makes you feel alive. When you live alone?you can!
DON'T?cram activities into your diary because you fear being lonely. Relax into solitude and cultivate your creativity. It is no coincidence that many great female artists have chosen to live alone.

DO?spend time with people you love and like - you have no one's opinion to worry about but your own.
DON'T?waste a minute worrying about people who see the world only in terms of couples and make you feel slightly odd for choosing to live alone.

Copied from a DailyMail article

Dearest Jillian,  I lost my husband 11 months ago today at 54 and feel like a young widow, too. I am the first of my friends and family to be widowed. We were already empty nesters. It is tough! My kids and family keep me busy, sometimes too busy that I get exhausted. The hardest for me is going to bed and waking up alone, and then there's seeing everyone else with their partners. My mom was widowed at 47 when I (the baby of the family) had just graduated from high school. Now I have seen and felt it at both ends (daughter, wife).
I haven't been much help to you so far! Are you working? I work at the Secondary School here. It is actually a life saver for me. I have been off for the summer so am actually finding it harder, though am enjoying the weather and am not looking forward to winter.
I to think, am I going to spend the next possibly 30 or more years alone? Don't like to think about it. Sometimes I think I would sometime want to meet someone but most of the time I can't imagine it. Guess we will find what life brings us. It is still so new for both of us. Wish we lived closer so we could meet! Where do you live anyhow? I am in a small town in the mountains of British Columbia. Hugs to you. Nancy

Hi Jilly and all of above,
  I, like Nancy, considered myself to be a young widow at 54 when my husband of 32 years passed away in November. My oldest son , who is 28 lived with me until this past Friday. I'm actually really ready to live alone and move on as much as possible now. I was glad to have his company and he helped me with my business this first year without my husband but I feel it's time.  This is the first I've lived alone for over 33 years and it seems very strange. I appreciate the article above. It has some really good advice. Personally, I have set myself goals that I want to achieve and listed projects to finish to keep myself busy. Keeping busy seems to be the best medicine for my loneliness. I have a new 4 1/2 month old shepherd puppy so I spend a lot of time walking and playing with her and that helps with my goal of wanting to lose weight, plus she is very entertaining and a good companion. I am having knee surgery the end of October so I'm going to try and get my house totally cleaned before that. I was waiting for my son to move out before I started that chore. I know I'll feel better when I accomplish that. Then, when I recover from my surgery and get through the holidays I'm going to make a conscious effort to become more social. I'm not sure exactly what that entails but I'm going to do some volunteer work maybe start going to church again, join some groups, maybe even go on a date. Who knows? I just know I don't want to sit by myself night after night for the next 25-35 years? so I have to make the effort myself. I know it will be really hard, I actually cry quite often when I even think about dating etc., I just want my Tom back but since that isn't going to happen I know I have to try and move on. We'll all get through this in our own way. I have two brothers that lost their wives in the past 4 1/2 years. One started dating pretty quickly, before he really had a chance to grieve and  that caused him some problems. He has a new girlfriend now that he is serious about. My other brother lost his wife 2 years ago and kept saying he wasn't interested in dating but ran into an old high school friend a few weeks ago and she obviously changed his mind! I just believe things will happen when they are meant to. We just have to be patient. Everyone take care. I hope we can all find happiness again. Best wishes, Mary

Hi Lainey,
   Tom has been quiet lately too. The first 6 months we had some really strange things happening. The only explanation was that he was causing them- I still feel that way. I had to make a decision about whether to sell my farm a few weeks ago. That caused me a lot of stress. I decided that I couldn't. Tom and I first saw each other right here on our farm. He was walking along the road in his knee high gum boots, shirtless, with cut off bib overalls , his wild black curls bouncing, tanned and I thought pretty sexy!. I drove by in my little blue honda civic and we kind of gave each other a good look. I had just moved back to my parents home on the neighboring farm and a few days later he showed up as I was getting home from work and asked if I had seen his cows. A few were supposedly missing. I said no but that we would let him know if we did. He called me that night and asked me out! That was 33 years ago. Our thirty second anniversary would have been this Friday. Since making the decision to stay put I actually have felt a lot better about things. I know he is probably trying to tell me I'm crazy, but I just can't move. Our entire life together was spent here, from the beginning to the end. Anyway, this place gives me lots of projects and right now thats a good thing. I feel like I've rounded a corner where I can actually see the future and feel like I'm going to be alright. I'm having my surgery on November 6. Then I'll have twogood knees and maybe be able to keep up with my pup! She drags me around now.
      Take care Lainey. I know your are doing fine and Teddy knows that too! I do miss all of the flashing lights etc. but I do think it makes it harder to move ahead. Maybe that why our boys have quieteddown. I think Teddy taught Tom all of his tricks!! I'll talkto you soon.   Love Mary

That's pretty cute Lainey. I never used that one before but I think he was definitely putting the 'moooves" on me. Anyway about this dating business. I  I really am not ready. I've had two guys "hitting?" on me this week. One actually asked me out. They seem too old. Tom was 9 years older than me but he seemed and looked a lot younger. I never liked dating back in the old days. I was so glad to meet and fall in love with Tom. I just can't imagine going through all of that again!! Its too soon anyway but when I do feel ready I just hope I find someone I really like and that's it. Wishful thinking I'm sure. Have you found anyone interesting yet? It would be nice to just have someone to go places with and have fun. Take care, Mary

Thanks for the response Lainey and the laugh, although I'm worried about you and your health issues. Sorry you couldn't go on your trip. Exactly what is going on with your UC? I'm not familiar with that disease at all. You are exactly right about comparing everyone to Teddy and Tom. That is exactly the problem and probably always will be. I'm really not in the dating mode yet. That's why I don't want anyone to even ask. I have my own plan and timetable set. It may or may not happen as planned, time will tell! My single son says dating is a minefield! He's been broken up with a long time girlfriend for 18 months and he hasn't found anyone serious yet. Just cuddlebuddies- that's what he calls them! I honestly can't imagine!! Take care Lainey! I hope you feel better soon. Do you have to stay on the prednisone or is it just temporary? Talk to you soon. Love, Mary