Everything you are feeling is normal. Of course you're angry....this is your Dad! When my Mom was dying I was furious! At one point I was mad at everyone....especially God! I had a real crisis of faith but found God was big enough to handle my feelings and was never away from me.
I know how hard it is to be far away. I live 3 hours away from my parents. I am living proof that my car knew the way to Greensboro from New Bern, NC and could drive it by itself! I put over 65,000 miles on my car during the
the year my Mom was diagnosed with CC.
Dealing with CC is a passage and a journey. You are dealing with so many losses right now. The impending loss of your Dad, the loss of a life that feels normal, the loss of being in charge of what you do and when you do it, the loss of being the "child" and not having to be in charge of your parents!! OF COURSE YOU'RE ANGRY AND TIRED!!!!! Of course you're questioning every idea you've ever had!
You are also feeling the hardest part of this journey which is the anticipatory grief. I really thought it would prepare me for my Mom's death but it didn't.
I believe grieving in all of its forms is the hardest job we ever tackle. Please remember there are no timetables and no correct way to grieve. Everyone grieves differently.
Try and take care of yourself. The caregiver must come first so you can take care of everyone else. Give yourself permission to grieve, and to be tired and scared.
We are always here for you. Someone is ALWAYS UP LATE AT NIGHT HERE!!!
I'm sending hugs, and prayers for strength, acceptance and understanding.
Lainy and I are big proponents of screaming in the car with the windows all rolled up.....*grin*. I thank God I never saw anyone I knew when practicing this but it does help! Try to get some rest and know you are doing all you can do. You are a remarkable legacy that your Dad will leave behind. I promise you will find that strength deep inside of you when you truly need it.
My heart is breaking for you. Losing a parent is so hard and Daddys and daughters have such a special relationship.
Hugs and prayers....
My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.
"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is. Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.