Topic: Grief Stricken

Hi everyone,
It's been 7 weeks now and today was really rough! The grief is sneaky! It was all over me! I feel guilty about not doing enough for my husband. How do I raise a son without a father figure in his life? Just all kinds of stuff. I still get thoughts of his last days and it wroughts me with agony!!! I'm sorry for being this way but I appreciate you all letting me vent. I hate what this disease does to folks and the ones left behind..

Re: Grief Stricken

Teresa,

I think you are doing a great job and are just having a tiny lapse which is perfectly understandable. Don't be so hard on yourself. I think your son will grow into a fine man with your guidance and that of family and friends. It has not been long at all and you are still grieving. Sending you love and hugs.

-Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: Grief Stricken

Teresa, it has only been a very short while. It takes time and we all have different time frames. Some days are better than others, but the grief must come out and work through. I swear to you that Teddy's end was horriffic, I am not allowed to talk about it because I had a law suit BUT in time the good memories come forward and they do eventually take over the bad memories.  Please trust me on this one. I have moved forward now mostly because that is how Teddy would have wanted it. Your husband also would want you to be strong and you will do just fine with your son. There will be help from where you least expect it and none of us know what good things may lie ahead. First you have to allow yourself the time for grief so that you CAN move forward when you are ready. I found that by keeping Teddy "stuff" around me it brought me comfort. Little things like spraying his cologne around, sleeping in his shirts, listening to his music, talking about him to whomever would listen, writing about him. Don't know if you are one of my believers but I have kept a log and in 1 1/2 years I have had 55 "visits" in one form or another and when I feel lonely I just read the log and I know he is all around me. If you need to talk please do not hesitate to call or write me. It will get better, just give it time and do what is comfortable for you.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Grief Stricken

Teresa, you are not alone with your feelings of guilt.  Too many of us have walked this road and come to realize that these are the most challenging days of your life.   It has been said that grieve is the price we pay for love and that grieve is a powerful reaction to death.  Grief, anger, fear and guilt all are part of the emotional reactions to the loss we have experienced. 

Be kind to yourself, Teresa, there are few who have a legitimate reason for feeling guilty over the loss of our loved one to this disease.  With time you will understand that you cannot assume responsibility for his death. You will understand that the disease caused his death. 

Reach out, dear Teresa.  I don’t know about your area but where I live, Hospice provides grief counseling.  It may very well be available in your city also.  A grief counselor or clergy also will help you in this time of need.  Our Dr. Giles is another resource to you.  You may find him:
http://www.cholangiocarcinoma.org/ask.htm
You might also want to read through some of his responses to others as much pertains to the feelings of grief. 

Know that we are here for you, that many of us can relate and that we stand by you – all the way.

Hugs,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: Grief Stricken

Hi Teresa,

Vent all you want, whenever you need to.   We all have been there and done it, too.  We are here to listen and truely do understand. 

I agree with everything everyone else has said. 

For me it has been 4 years and I still have some of those days.  There are good and bad days and hopefully in time the good out weigh the bad.  You are early on in your grieving and what you are going through is normal although there is really nothing normal about all of this.  We all have to grieve at our own pace.

Trust that you and your son will be OK.  Everything works out one way or another.  Just take things as the come.  One day at a time. 

Keep coming back here when you need to.  The love, understanding and support is unbelievable.  It does help.

Take care.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Grief Stricken

My husband died 4 months ago at the end of this month.  I really feel for you girls that have children still at home.  My youngest is 36.  I just came back from a 6 week visit with he and his family in North Carolina.  Being around a 5 year old grandson and 4 month old granddaughter did me a lot of good.  I was a mess when I arrived, but feel somewhat more centered.  I have been home a week and a half, and.........well.........it is hard to be alone.

What has helped me a lot since my hubby died was a book "Heaven is for Real".  My cousin mailed it to me.  Wow is all I can say.  You see I worried about Pete for 9 months, and my main concern was wondering if he is ok.  After reading this book, I know that he is.  It has been a real comfort for me.  I don't know if this will help anyone going through being cut loose from a spouse, child, or any relative; but it has given me some peace.  I know I still have to adjust and figure out the rest of my life, but not worrying about Pete has lifted a great burden off my shoulders.

Re: Grief Stricken

Dearest Janet, I am so happy that you are finding some peace and validation that Pete is happy in his own Peace. I too believe that Grandkids are the best RX in the world! I wanted to tell you what 2 books helped me. You know of Sylvia Brown the Psychic? In the beginning she wrote her first 2 books on what happens and what it is like to be on the other side. Fascinating! Not only did it help me at the end with Teddy but I have absolutely no feaer of dying, myself after reading what she wrote. Can't remember the names of the books but they are her 1st 2. Amazing. As you know I am a believer in the beyond and all Teddy's "visits" to me are logged and honestly believeing is what has gotten me through.  I know our boys are all around us all the time. I wouldn't worry so much about the rest of my life, it takes a lot for us to live our "new normal" and sounds like you are taking hold and doing ok. OK is the best we can do for awhile.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Grief Stricken

Dear Teresa-
It is such early days for you. It is still early days for me at over one year. I cannot tell you it will get easier anytime soon but i can assure you that your husband is with you. Denis is woven into the very fabric of who you are today and who your children will become.

I could not survive these dark days without the merrywidow.me.uk website.

In his suffering you took one day at a time now in your suffering take one hour at a time.
Write down any dark thoughts on paper and burn it.

Take good care of yourself and hug your children lots.
C