• Registered: Tue, 23 Nov 2010
  • Posts: 32

Topic: Happy and Heartbroken

Hello All--
I have not written in a while but get on every so often to check on everyone or to see if my experiences can help.  Mom has been gone a little over a year now, and dad has moved 9 hours away.  Fortunately, my sister who will be 22 soon moved in with my husband, me, and my daughter who will be 3 soon.  She moved in shortly after my mom dad while attending college and I thought it would be good for the both of us to always have someone right there when we needed to laugh, cry or a hug.

I've been stuggling with my feelings a little lately which isn't normal for me.  Momma always taught me to look on the bright side of things and that someone somewhere else always has it worse.  Be thankful for the people and things in your life.  My husband and I have found out recently that we are expecting  baby #2 in May!!! 

There have been so many things i just want to call momma about to tell her, share with her.  We always used to talk 1-3 times a day, she would send me emails from 4am when she couldn't sleep or was just up drinking coffee.  I try so hard to be a good mother and a good wife like the example she set...and sometimes I just feel like its not good enough.  Not because my husband or daughter say so, but just because I need her encouragement, her warm hug to tell me I'm doing fine.

Since I've found out we are expecting again, all I do is cry.  I should be happy...and I am...but I cant stand that she wont be here to experience it all with me like last time.  I am blessed beyond measure with a loving husband, beautiful daughter, wonderful daddy and a best friend of a sister.

I've "dealt" with everything fairly well this long..why am I having such a hard time now? 

As always, thank you for your advice.  It amazes me to have such a wonderful group of friends.

Love,
Ash

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."         II Timothy 4:7
"I'll Be" Momma - 8.10.2011

2 Reply by marions (edited by marions Thu, 11 Oct 2012 21:28:50)

  • Registered: Fri, 12 May 2006
  • Posts: 8,314

Re: Happy and Heartbroken

Oh, Ash....another Baby is on the way.  I am thrilled for you.  It warms my heart.

It has been said that the most defining times of our lives have a tendency to trigger our grieving process; I believe that expecting another Baby is one of those defining moments.    We don’t exactly know how to define the loss of our mothers and what it is we are grieving for the most.  We not only have lost the relationship for what it was, but we also have lost the future of what the relationship was to bring.

Hope Edelman, in her book “Motherless daughters” addresses the issues of this particular family dynamic called mothers and daughters.  As in any loss we want to “fix” something that only can happen if our loved one comes back.  There is no way to fill the void of a mother, but there are ways of incorporating her in our lives forever.  This can be achieved in numerous ways and only you, Ash, are able to know what fits best. 
It is said that a mother’s children are portraits of herself.  When we acknowle that whatever we do and whichever decisions we make we realize that all is grounded in the relationship we had with her, our mother.
I don’t know who quoted this, but it lends much comfort:
“Death ends a life but it doesn’t end a relationship that lives on in the mind of the survivor.”

As bleak as it may be in the early days of loss, we do go on to build lives, become joyful again.  Your Mom knows that you would do just that.

My heart is with you.

Hugs,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER
  • Lainy
  • Lainy
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  • From: Phoenix AZ
  • Registered: Fri, 13 Jan 2006
  • Posts: 8,315

Re: Happy and Heartbroken

Dear Ash, I think it is perfectly normal to have crying moments now and then. How cold would we be if we didn't. Just this morning I awoke with tears, no reason, but there they were and its almost 2 years. I believe that Mom is already playing with the new baby! Teddy's Granddaughter had a baby boy 8 months ago and I got to meet him last month. Talk about reincarnation. There is so much of Teddy in this little baby boy it is incredible. Right down to his little bow legs.  Ashley, please don't sell yourself short! You sound like an extremely caring and wonderful woman and remember you learned from the best teacher there was. You can still have talks with your Mom, just listen for her answers in your heart.

•    I wish heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again.     
•    I thought of you today, but that is nothing new.
•    I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.
•    I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
•    All I have are memories and pictures in a frame.
•    Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part.
•    God has you in his arms...I have you in my heart

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.
  • Registered: Tue, 23 Nov 2010
  • Posts: 32

Re: Happy and Heartbroken

Thank you both for the kind words.  And Marion, I recently ordered the book "Motherless Daughters" and "Motherless Mothers" by Hope Edelman.  I have just got them in and cannot wait to read them.  They have great reviews, so I'm hoping they will help!

I have been so sick throughout this pregnancy so far as I was with my first.  However, the first time around, my momma was always there to take care of me.  I've had to put on my big girl panties this time.  She suffered so much through her treatment and this cancer, so its the least I can do to suck it up.  smile

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."         II Timothy 4:7
"I'll Be" Momma - 8.10.2011
  • Registered: Fri, 12 May 2006
  • Posts: 8,314

Re: Happy and Heartbroken

Ash....your inner strength is shining through.  Please stay in touch.  We have much to talk about - I would love to share some thoughts on the books.   And hopefully dear Ash, the sickness will have waned by then too.

Hugs,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER