Dont worry too much. Most of us patients have thick skin (it comes from all the IVs the put in. We all know you need to vent. We all get angry, we all cry, we all get upset. Life isnt fair. You know, I never kicked any puppies and yet I feel sometimes like I have been smite by Fate.
We all know that it is tough on both the carers and the patients. Both sides need support. I send my lovely husband to go visit friends. 1.He needs to talk to someone about me and 2. he needs to play and not just think about my cancer. Unfortunately, his big ski week with his friend was cancelled because of my in and out of hospital tango.
And when you think about how much you miss your husband, also think that he misses his old self too. Just because he isnt emotionally the same, doesnt mean that his emotions for YOU arent the same. Distancing yourself from loved ones is a protective measure. When I think that I might be wasting the best years of my husbands life taking care of me, I get very upset. But he once said, "They are the best years of my life because I am with you." So now I dont push away so much.
Nobody thinks you are a monster, just a woman doing her best in a bad situation. My psychologist came straight out and said it is natural (and sometimes good) to have negative thoughts and feelings. It means that it is REAL and you are in part dealing with it and YOUR feelings are as valid as the next persons. You cant be happy and strong all the time. You have every right to be angry about how you and your loved ones life has changed. We patients get angry and sad and scared and we throw these emotions onto the people closest to us. It is no wonder that the carers have to throw their emotions on others as well. Nobody is thinking less of anyone. There is no divide between patients and carers. We are all just coping (sometimes good, sometimes not so good). There is no competition on who has it worse. We all are in this together. We being the patients, carers and cholangio community. Sometimes I wonder about the strength on this board and wish I could be as strong. Then I think of what has happened and I realise I AM that strong. I think how we see ourselves is not how we are. So look at your emotions and think what you would tell a friend who felt that way. Stop feeling guilty!
We all miss our former lives. It is ok. But it is not just about missing the past, we have to appreciate our present.
Ok. Enough of my babble.
Short response Jille...Dont worry about your feelings. You are entitled to them. We all are.
Cancer is a word, not a sentence.
36 year old patient with buckets of hope