Struggling with loss (Page 1 of 2)

Alla, it is going to take time. You were so busy at the end you didn't really have time to imagine what it would be like. Like Marions says, the harder we love the harder the grief. For me, I surrounded myself with Teddy. I would spray his cologne on his pillow. I looked for ways he might reach out to me, I felt such a strong presence. How about bringing out all your pictures and help the boys to make scrapbooks. I felt it best to keep it in the forefront not to hide behind it. Let the grief come out and when the time is right to move on a little bit you will know it. I promise that eventually all the good memories will outweigh the bad and that will help too.

From a book of blessings called "Benedictus" by John O'Donohue - Irish Poet & Philosopher

When you lose someone you love,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you becomes fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence
Your heart has grown heavy with loss.
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.
There are days when you wake up happy;
Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto the black tide of loss.
Days when you have your heart back,
You are able to function well
Until in the middle of work or encounter,
Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief.
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time
To pull and pull the rope of grief
Until that coiled hill of tears
Has reduced to its last drop.
Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.

Alla,

You are just beginning this journey and I'm not going to tell you it is going to be easy.  It is not.  I'm four years into this and still have my good and bad days.  You never know what or when it will hit, but with time it does get better.

I read this and posted it a while back: 
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.  That is so true.

Just keep on going as best you can and deal with things as they come.  One day at a time.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

Thank you all for encouragement. It's been 8 days since his passing, but seems longer by some reason (not easier though). Yesterday there was a memorial service and a funeral. Very tough day. But I must say that the service was very nice. His brother wrote beautiful tribute (although we had to remove some stories...) that was really good and minister read it for us. A lot of people showed up and learned something new about my husband, I'm sure. It is almost like he had 2 lives - life of a cowboy before me and completely different life with me. So in a way he did live life to a fullest, but it was cut shorter than we ever expected.
I would have never imagined that even after the funeral it would still seem unreal to me. Still feels like a bad dream that never ends. I had lost all grandparents long time ago and quite a few aunts and uncles, but it is very different this time. Is it just me or does everybody goes through the same stages of grief (if there is a such thing)?

P.S. Forgot to mention that today would have been a year since my husband was diagnosed. So he almost made it a year...

Beautiful, as always, Lainy! Thank you. When Marty was diagnosed, I called it our "new normal" too, once we got into chemo routine. Now that "normal" has to change again. Not quite sure how it would be yet. His son is still here for a few more days, helping us with every day stuff and fixing few things at the house, since hubby wasn't able too. On tuesday I'll have to go back to work. So may be then I'll figure out what is new normal would be like (or not). I'm sure it'd be hard when my step son leaves, as he is filling in the void and it will be just 3 of us instead of "normal" 4. Just the other day I saw my son's work where he answered a question about the number of people in your household and it was 4. Made me sad on the spot...
I also find myself being mad about the chemo and what it did to him and re-thinking if it was a right choice, especially toward the end. And thinking about "what if"... I know it's pointless, but can't help it.

So grateful I have you all to listen and advice! Thank you!

Alla,

I played the "what if" game so many times after my Mom died....After all I'm in the medical field and my Pathologist and I diagnosed her.   I wondered (still do at times) what did I miss?....What did I not see or follow up on?....

You've been on autopilot for several weeks now.  The hard part will come later

I diagnosed my Mom in May 2008 and she died April 2009.  After her death I was on autopilot for several months, busy with all the things a death brings.  I gave her eulogy, wrote all of the thank you notes, cleaned out her closet, and when everything was pretty much done and grief really hit...I discovered the world had moved on and I most certainly HAD NOT!  I really thought all of the anticipatory grief would have prepared me for the reality of losing Mom.  I'm here to say....IT DOESN"T!!!

I missed calling her on my way home from work everyday.  I missed telling her about my children's accomplishments.  I would have given anything to just hear her voice!  I was appalled when my best friend told me to get over it and move on....grief would not bring her back or change things.  (As a side note here,  it was only my Southern upbringing and my fear of prison that kept me from killing her....)  Most people did not want to talk about even the good times much less my loss!

I discovered I was mad at pretty much everyone....even God.  My support came from some of the most unlikely sources....  This board was a godsend.  I was able to rant, rave, ask questions and draw on the experiences of those who had traveled the road I was now embarked upon.  I chose to be very kind to myself and gradually let go of those I felt were not supportive of me or my grief.  Grieving is intense and personal.  No two people will grieve in the same way or in the same timeline.  I surrounded myself with people that truly cared and most of those had experienced the loss of a loved one.  My husband was amazing.  He had lost both of his parents and was so loving and supportive of me in my most crazy, insane moments.  He and God pretty much took the brunt of my grieving.  I'm pleased to say both loved me enough to put up with me!

I've found embracing my grief and being open and taking the time to grieve has been the best road for me.  I can still be reduced to tears catching a whiff of my Mom's perfume in a store but each day the good memories are becoming the ones I remember most AND first.

Our family has always been involved with church and charities.  I spend a great deal of time outside of work being a volunteer with the USO and the Marine bases near my house.  My son in love is a Marine so it's personal as well.  I view my volunteer work as a living tribute to my amazing Mom.

I smile now as I come across my "Pennies from Heaven" and keep all of them in a jar on my desk.

You'll find your pathway and if you are kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve,  you'll be OK.  I've learned lessons and believe I'm kinder and more compassionate.  I think I value the small things more.  Remember.....if you had not loved so much you wouldn't be grieving so hard....  Personally the love was well worth the grief.....

We're all here for you....take care!

Hugs,
Pam

Thank you, Pam. I had never heard about pennies from heaven and looked it up, after reading your post, since I've been recently finding pennies at my house at odd places! Very interesting... Really hope it's true!

Oh, Alla, it is true. At least I am a big believer and we have many here who do believe. By believing, it gets me through, to feel that Teddy is all around me. In fact I have kept a log and when I feel lonely I just read the log. Besides pennies, watch for things electrical, like, the television going louder and softer, lights blinking, songs that may come on the radio at times like seeing friends or family. Our Darla has had lights going off. When you take pictures look for Orbs/Globes. They are round, mostly transparent and white in color. One of the very first books I read about the beyond was by Sylvia Brown the Psychic who really gave such beautiful explanations. "A Psychics Tour of the Afterlife". All we have to do is believe and our boys will be here.

Alla, things won't happen daily but try and look for the other things I mentioned as well. Say, time for them to give us a raise and send dollar bills! I never had lots of pennies but once there was a cinnamon candy, I LOVE cinnamon, it was really weird how that showed up. Just be patient, it will all come.

OH, PAM, I so remember this story. BTW I hope you guys are safe and sound from Sandy!
Pennies from Heaven....About 3 months after Teddy's Memorial I woke up with a song in my head, popular before I was born, “Pennies from Heaven”. It’s a song to cheer you up and to not be afraid. Told Teddy’s daughter and she said, "OMG, Dad used to sing that to us when we were little".  I have only found pennies maybe 2 -3 times. Teddy's preference seems to be Music. He loved Music and all his kids are musically inclined as well.
Great story Pam, glad you told it.

Alla, you are soooo right. Not only helpful but very much appreciated!  I understand you can now download our brochures. I handed then out at Teddy's Memorial. They really explain what CC is as no one can ever knoiw it the way we do! Might be good to pass them out when the Band plays or even at work. I give them to all my Doctors as well. We so appreciate anything you do!

You are very welcome. As far as I know - they were and would be using the website for the donation. Lainy - tried to download the brochures - Internet Explorer keeps bombing off. I'll try it through google chrome next...

Alla,  I have thought about your post a lot and after a year I would think I would know what to say but I don't. You are right in saying that it is harder than imagined. I honestly do not remember much of the first few months. I continually challenge myself to enjoy life, be thankful for what I have and had, and take a day at a time. I take comfort in knowing Doug will be a part of me forever and I am a better person because of him. I try to find laughter in each day and try not to feel sorry for myself. It is a roller coaster ride and times when you think you are doing well, bam! The intensity and rawness do diminish though, and you put your grief in a different place and you start to live again. It seems at first you can not feel real joy, but one day you feel it again and you are thankful and you know your dear husband is right there cheering you on, for he does not want you to remain sad. I continue to talk about my husband (and to him as well- lol) because he was a huge part of mine and my children's lives. I wish there was a magic potion but it does get easier with time. Your beautiful children will help you through. Hugs. Nancy