Topic: feel like im going crazy

i am trying so hard to cope,im trying so hard to think about the george befor he got sick,but all i see all day and night is the last precious week i had with him,it keeps playing like a dvd in my mind,it wont stop,i try to stay busy,but that dont last,i just curl up in his recliner and cry cry cry.....

Re: feel like im going crazy

Lynn,
I am here to support you.  Your loved one was taken away.  You will continue to cry and must do so.  Crazy - no - you are a caring person.  I wish I could  give you a hug in person.  My Mom's passing was so difficult for me and will always be.  The illness came on fast and took her fast.  I was lucky to have her as my Mom.  Continue to post and let us know how you are.  It's okay
to cry.

Re: feel like im going crazy

Oh, Lynn, you are perfectly normal. Like Marion says, the deeper we loved the harder the grief. It is going to take time but I promise you in time the best memories will overtake the bad ones. Keep sitting in the recliner especially if it brings you comfort. I used to spray Teddy's cologne around and slept hugging his pillow. We all understand here and we are all here for you. Sending you a ton of hugs and love.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: feel like im going crazy

Lynn,
I remember after my Mom died, I relived her last few days over and over in my mind. Did I do all the right things? Was she afraid ? With time I now can relive it with peace. I am praying for you.
Lisa

This Information Is Not Intended Nor Implied To Be A Substitute For Professional Medical Advice. You Should Always Seek The Advice Of Your Physician Or Other Qualified Health Care Provider

Re: feel like im going crazy

Sweet Lynn,
So many of us who have truly loved another person can so identify with the terrible hole in your heart.  I too kept replaying the end times of my darling's transition for a long time and then over time (a very long time) I realized that all the happier, more joy-filled times starting taking over.  For whatever reason we have to travel through this grief and we do come out somewhat stronger.  The hole will never go away - why should it, we had a fantastic life together.  But you start to feel gratitude for being one of the fortunate souls that was able to experience such love. I hold you in healing energies and prayers.
Peace be,
Karen

Wishing all God's blessings!

Re: feel like im going crazy

I am very sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I am sending huge hugs your way. I think the only thing that can mend your broken heart is time. Hopefully, you will wake up one day with peace in your heart and enjoy life again like you so deserve. Lots of love to you.

-Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: feel like im going crazy

Dear Lynn,

I so know and understand what you are feeling and going through.  Unfortunately it is a process that all of us who have lost someone we loved has or are still going through. 

I totally agree with all that Karen posted above.  She said it well.  Right now I am sure it is hard for you to imagine that the pain will ever lessen, but it is true that in time the good memories that we are so lucky to have will help to easy some of the pain.  And yes, although none of this is easy, it does make us stronger.

We are all here to help & support you so please keep posting your thoughts and feelings.  Sometimes just being able to share honestly with others who truely understand does help.

With Lots of Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: feel like im going crazy

Dear Lynn
I'm in exactly the same situation. My husband had passed away mid october and last week of his life keeps replaying in my mind as well, especially his last day, as it was the most gruesome. Just last night saw a dream with him and he was sick in my dream as well. I had read that eventually memories will be of a happier times, as well as dreams about him, but it hadn't so far. Please know that you are not alone.
It's been 2.5 months since his passing and some days are better than others. It seems that I get better handle of situation and then phone call from some old friend or customer, who didn't know about his passing and I fall apart again. But overall I think I'm handling it better than I expected. Sorry to talk about me, but my point is that many of us had similar thoughts and feelings, that are normal, and hopefully it will slowly improve for all of us! Sincerely, Alla

Re: feel like im going crazy

Thank you everybody,just wanted to let everybody know some things that happened since i posted last,well,i was doing some cleaning,just going through some totes we had,i had no clue what was in them,then i found pictures of george from years befor he got sick,wow,what a good feeling i got,i do believe i was led to that tote..Another thing,at 12:30 this morning,i was watching a movie,sitting in georges recliner,when all of the sudden i got this overwhelming urge to pop a bag of pop corn,thats not the strange part,the thing is,i CANT STAND pop corn,never really had a taste for it,could;nt even stand to be in the same room when it was popping,the smell just took my breath away,like asma,i could only think,ok,george loved his popcorn,especially while watching movies,and he was here with me and wanted some,yes,i did pop it and i ate the WHOLE bag....I guess my George got hungry...and ate through me..much love and hugs. lynn

Re: feel like im going crazy

Lynn, you know I love these stories. Yes, yes George is so around you and I hope you take great comfort in that. In the beginning I am sure people thought I was nuts but these are the things that brought me comfort. Let me be nuts, it works. Thanks for the stories, love it, love it!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: feel like im going crazy

Lynn,

What a great story.  Thanks for sharing.  I too am a believer and often get signs from Jim.   Always good to hear that others have had these experiences too.  They truely are all around us if we are sensitive enough to notice and yes it is comforting and helps keep us going.   If that's crazy, so be it.  It works for me.  smile

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: feel like im going crazy

Yea!  So glad George paid a visit.  Always so wonderful when we KNOW our loved ones on the other side of the veil are with us.  The more people share their experiences about "departed" love ones the more open and understanding our world becomes.  Thanks for sharing.
In peace,
Karen

Wishing all God's blessings!

Re: feel like im going crazy

Wow, do I identify with the last week you had with your husband.  It has been 7 months since I lost my husband and I have many times that the last day of his life goes through my mind like a dvd also.  The picture I can't get out of my mind is his last breath.  At the time I was so relieved for him because he wouldn't suffer anymore.  I try to keep that thought which is rational, but many times the emotional takes hold of me.

I found pictures of him on our computer when he was healthy and so good looking. I even went through pictures of us in college.  We were so young. That really helped.  I have also had dreams where he ends up hugging me.  I wake up and thank him for that.  What I miss are the hugs. 

I am told it will get easier.  I thought these people were crazy, but I have to admit with time I am learning to be alone. I know things will never be normal again, but I must go on for my grandkids.  That is the only thing that keeps me going.  We widows must walk this walk and find a way to go on.  I haven't figured that out yet, but time does help.

Re: feel like im going crazy

Janet, yes, time does help. For me Teddy's last breath was beautiful because I had a goal of holding him and I did. And then magically his whole head glowed. My daughter and I just stood there in amazement. Every bag under his eyes, every wrinkle on his face was gone.
I'd also like to say that the hugs you dream about are not dreams but are real. Enjoy them. To be honest Teddy doesn't come around as much as he used to, but I went to a Psychic /Medium (friend of my daughter's) and she said things that ONLY could have come from his mouth. That was just before Thanksgiving. So, I know he is still all around me, he doesn't have to prove it anymore. I have been way under the weather but when I get better I am most anxious to see if he sends me a gentleman as he said. I wrap myself in my log of his visits and my amazing Grandchildren. Somehow we go on as the world does not stop, each at their own pace, and all of a sudden we wake up one day and the dark veil has lifted and we begin to live our "new Normal' as that is what our boys would have wanted..

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: feel like im going crazy

I haven't been on this site for a while. My mom has been gone almost a year now.  We had 6 months from her getting sick (we had no idea she was sick until the jaundice started) until she died. Things happened so quickly that we
never had a chance to really soak in what was happening.
Reading this post was like I had written it myself.  I also find myself watching the dvd, in my mind,  of the last couple of days.  I have the same questions about if we did everything we could for her?  Was she scared at the end? 
The "firsts" have been hard (first Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas) and with the first anniversary approaching I am visiting those last days more frequently. 
I am very relived to hear that I am not the only one that asks the questions and I am looking forward to the day when once again seeing her picture or hearing her name will do nothing but make me smile.

Re: feel like im going crazy

Thank you everybody,i think im ok,social workers were here yesterday for 2 hours,barney and tressa,i loved it,i cant talk about george without crying,tressa said thats ok,cry,by the time they left,i was smiling,they said to me,even tho we did'nt know george that long,he left a lasting impression on them with his out going personality,george always made them laugh.well,now,a little on whats been going on with me,tonight i will be going to pa to visit some family,everybody says it will do me good,i am taking my computer,i wasnt going to,but,i guess george told me to because i started looking at dvd's,to play on my laptop for the 22hr trip on the train and i found one with our grandsons in the summer of 2009 playing with their grandpa george,i cried happy tears when i watched it,george was so healthy,laughing,and giving the boys a ride on the lawn mower,it was so good to hear his laugh,see his smile,and hearing him talk.....i miss him so much..more later got to pack,love you all big hugs and many blessings.Lynn

Re: feel like im going crazy

Lynn, good, good, good! Wow, a 22 hour train ride, what fun! I haven't been on a train in, oh, about 40 years! Have a wonderful time and honestly it's always nice to have "new ears" to talk to about George. And if the tears flow, let everyone know, it's OK they are happy tears. Have a wonderful trip.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: feel like im going crazy

well here i am in pa,spent the night across the delaware in trento nj with friends,going to my sisters in the morning,i still cant clear my head,even tho george has never been here,i see him everywhere,i thought this would be good therapy,it dosnt seem to be working,i feel guilty for leaving him,i mean it just dont seem right ,i keep waiting for him to call,like he did in 2006,when i was here last.i miss him so much.

Re: feel like im going crazy

Lynn, why would George call you when he is right there with you? I really believe something is going to happen on this trip to prove to you that George is there. Like, how could you see him everywhere if he was not there in some form? I hope you can enjoy your time with your Sister, all time is precious.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: feel like im going crazy

Well hello everybody,sorry it took so long,i made it back home wednesday evening,all in all my mini vacation went ok,it was nice to see family and friends
but i got really really home sick.yesterday was me and Georges anniversary,i took flowers and a card to him,in the rain,But the interesting thing happended on the way,i was driving,just about ready to turn into the cemetary,and i felt George,i really did,he brushed my leg,i know he did,there was no one or nothing that could of done that.after i gave him the flowers,i came home,feeling peace,last night,i got up out of georges recliner,where i had been sleeping since he passed,and went to bed.i slept so peaceful for the first time in a month...love and hugs to you all Lynn

Re: feel like im going crazy

Oh, Lynn, I have happy tears for you, what a wonderful Anniversry gift George gave you! I do believe you have turned your first corner and I think you are amazing. And to you George.....keep those visits coming!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: feel like im going crazy

I'm glad to hear you are doing better, Lynn. Great to hear from you.

Love,
-Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: feel like im going crazy

When a cancer hits at the speed of lightening as it so happened with my mother, it’s very difficult to come to terms with the devastation of an almost sudden death.  CC took my mother's life in 8 weeks from time of diagosis.

I also keep replaying the last few days of my mother's life over and over in my mind.  It's only been 7 weeks since she passed away.  I feel my mother's spirit with me and sometimes talk to me through my mind.  I miss hearing her voice every morning. 

I'm upset to hear people say that I should go to a grief support group or counseling, as it makes me angry!  Everyone grieves their own way and I prefer not to go to conseling, so I wish people would stop suggesting it, even though I'm aware that they're only trying to help.  On the other hand, I also feel like people don't want to hear about my grief and prefer that one shares it with their therapist or that one should just get over it soon.  Well that's not going to happen. 

Is it normal to repeatedly have split second moments that make us realize that our loved one is no longer with us?  That's what hurts the most for me.

I am comforted when I feel my mother with me and when I look at her picture, which her kind eyes are looking straight at me.

24 (edited by Darla Sat, 19 Jan 2013 10:45:47)

Re: feel like im going crazy

Dear Orlysud,

My husband died 7 weeks from the first sign of any problem, so I know what you are saying.  He has been gone almost 4 1/2 years and  I still experience a lot of what you are and yes, it is normal.  Don't let anyone presume to know how you should feel or what you should do.  Only you know what is best for you.  Keep taking comfort in knowing that your mom is near and watching over you.   It will slowly get better.  Just take things one day at a time.

Take care.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.