Topic: Two years on
It's almost two years since my husband died. I have got used to the fact that he is not around and am managing quite well with the help of family and friends. But other feelings have taken over.
I feel guilty much of the time. I seem only to remember the times I didn't give the type of care he wanted. I was too busy looking for a cure to spend real time with him. I regret the fact that he bought dvds to cheer himself up - they weren't my taste - but why didn't I just sit with him and enjoy them anyway! He loved music and would listen alone, why didn't I listen with him? I took food to the hospital - sometimes twice a day - but now I think that I didn't put enough love into making it for him.
why was I managing the family to support him, massage his back and feet and why didn't I do more of this kind of thing myself? He kept a notebook while he was in hospital and in it he said that I was 'key to his recovery' I know I couldn't have saved him but I feel I didn't see enough and do enough. Most of all, when he said to me, the day before he died, 'I do love you you know.' why why why did I say 'No, no you don't. you're horrible to me'.
I have a friend whose husband has been very sick for three years and is coming to the end of his life. He is very critical of her angry and unloving, though I am sure he loves her after 40 years of marriage. I want to say to her however angry and resentful you feel, remember the few weeks you have now are all both of you have left, to be together, to do things that bring you together and leave you with good memories.