Topic: My world has collapsed because I lost my mother 6 weeks ago today
I am devasted by the loss of my mother on November 29, 2012. Instead of Christmas cards, I received Sympathy cards. I personally didn't celebrate Christmas in 2012.
My mother lived overseas and therefore I could only see her every 2 years. Well in 2012 I was suppose to see my mother in October after my cousins and aunt visited her. On my birthday, Sept 30th, my mother age 83 1/2 all of a sudden had double vision and was rushed to the hospital. She was eventualy diagnosed with advanced and aggressive Bile Duct Cancer. She however, improved and was no longer yellow and was released from the hospital only to return a week later with excrutating pain on the right side of her abdomen and her back. The right side of her face was deformed because the cancer had jumped behind her right eyeball which shut it and caused a lot of pain. The right side of her mouth was immobile and it wasn't because of a stroke or anything like that. I was fortunate to see her 4 days before she passed.
I spent the first 2 nights with her in the hospital and she was so quiet and only spoke when spoken too. When I asked her if she was interested in hearing some music, her repsonse was that she wasn't interested in anuthing, which was so unsual but it was because she was so sick. She was surprised that I didn't comment on her looks but I responded that I expected it. It was a terrible sight but I still had hope that she would pul through this, until she said on both days "I know I'm not not going to get well."
The 3rd night my cousin stayed with her she was rushed to the ICU early the next morning. When I saw her in ICU, she had internal bleeding in her stomach which was being drained out through a tube from her nose. It was a horrible sight!! However, she could still talk and I told her that I loved her very much in which she responded the same thing back to me. I was only allowed to stay with her for one hour which really upset me. The next day, during my one hour visit, she was worst and intubated and I was extermely upset as I knew this was the end of the line. The good thing was she still had her mind. She wrote on a piece of paper (which was hard to read) "Take me home if you love me." I told her that I would ask her doctor but knew deep down that she couldn't be transferred home. I kissed her forhead which she was are of and again I told her that I loved her so much.She was breathing really deeply and I knew how sensitive she was because my body is the same way.
The last day she was alive, the ICU called saying that we needed to come right away because they had to revive her once already and didn't know if she would make it. ON the way there, I had a feeling that I would not see her alive, which was exactly what happened. She died.
I was devastated beyound belief. I wanted to die. She was the only one I had because my 2 cousins turned against me after that, without going into details for now.
I buried my mother and have been in shoch ever since. People don't understand my grief and all I've been doing is staying home. I enlarged some pictured of my mother from 2 years ago, framed it and hung them on the wall right in front of my computer. I speak to her every morning but miss her so much and can't stop crying. I'm the only child. I'm hurting so badly even after 6 weeks.
Also keep coming here and talking things out or even just to vent when you need to.
She would have been 84. It's going to be hard for me.
